Resiliency First

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

As all of us withstand the body blows of today’s challenging world, more than just a job, house or relationship has been possibly lost in successfully lasting through the 15^th round.  In many cases, our confidence, self-esteem and appreciation for ourselves have also taken a severe hit as we weather the economic storm.

It can be very difficult to worry about confidence or self-esteem as fantastic folks like us try to find their next great work adventure, or hang on through the next round of layoffs. While the economic outlook looks a bit brighter these days, I have talked to many friends who do not always appreciate the special person they are.

I’ve been there and done that. Even when my life is going on all cylinders, I still sometimes have challenges with my confidence. Sure, I’ve done nine out of 10 things very well, but what about the one I did not. I can dwell on that one. Instead of building on my “wins,” I wonder why I could not have had one more success.

As you may have experienced, thinking about the “one that got away” can consume your thoughts and make you less confident and efficient moving forward. Then, add potential layoffs, underemployment or other life challenges. They can truly play with your mind…

If there is one thing I’ve learned through my layoff and successfully starting my own business this year is I cannot forget to take care of myself emotionally and mentally during the transition. You also need to take care of the most important person in your life – YOU!

Here what I’ve learned:

A Bit of a Stretch: Most of us understand we need to exercise to keep our body and weight within our control. Because of my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I’ve also learned that a stretching routine each morning helps stop my creaky body from feeling like a rusty door hinge.

What I found after my layoff is I have to treat my mind in somewhat the same way. I had to develop a “stretching routine” that kept me emotionally ready to withstand any challenges of starting a new business and other bumps along the way.

I developed the SEAC (pronounced SEEK) method, and it has helped me a great deal. SEAC stands for Self-Esteem, Appreciation and Confidence. Each morning, I spend no more than 20 minutes – the same as my exercise routine – to “exercise” my psyche a bit. I find actions I have taken – most likely from the previous day – that help me appreciate myself and how I can seek to maintain my confidence and esteem.

SEACing Resilience: Admittedly, some days are harder than others to find those resilient trigger points. I, however, look at my whole life – not just my professional life. While SEAC may be about work, it could be that I had a resilient conversation with my 14-year-old daughter, which can be one of those amazing and wondering things. (Dealing successfully with teenagers is whole separate article for another time.) Or, it could be I was able to help a colleague or friend through his or her own challenging professional or person moment.

My point is you need to find something in your life that keeps showing the terrific person you are known for every day. Your actions tell a resilient story, and SEAC may help show them – to yourself!

Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate: A friend of mine forwarded me a memorable quote recently from life solutions expert Mary Manin Morrissey that sums up SEAC very well. It goes:

“Appreciate yourself. The next time someone pays you a compliment, don’t shrug it off or put yourself down. When we push away acknowledgment of our divine selves, we can’t amplify the good that is trying to move through our lives. We can be humble and still accept praise. Accept that others are seeing the true being within you. Take pleasure that others recognize your true identity. And give the gift of a compliment to someone else.”

Next time you want to stay in bed because of challenging moments, your son/daughter has one of those teenage moments, you forgot to say “I Love You” to your spouse, or you don’t see the goodness of you, please remember: SEAC ways to find how your special talents make a difference to you and so many others in your orbit.

Look forward to talking with you again next week! Please e-mail me if you anything to add, or would like me to cover additional resiliency topics.

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Thanks to everyone who has responded privately about additional topics they’d like me to write about or emphasize further.

One of the requests is to further explain the concept of grieving. This may be because of a job loss, a significant personal relationship has ended in your life, not having enough quality time for yourself, or just getting fed up with the direction your career and life is turning.

It was that iconic cartoon character Charlie Brown who spoke the famous phrase, “Good Grief!” He was always lamenting how he could not kick the football that Lucy would snatch away at the last moment, or why no one would invite him to the Valentine’s Day Party, or why none of his “friends” wanted him around – even his famous dog Snoopy.

In his mind, there was nothing good about his grief, and he never seemed to know how to handle it effectively. Well usually, he was eventually invited to the party and Snoopy needed his daily supply of bones.

In real life, however, dealing with grief doesn’t always end up working out well unless you can get through those grief stages (by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) I’ve mentioned before:

- Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)

- Anger (why is this happening to me?)

- Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)

- Depression (I don’t care anymore)

- Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)A

So many good folks like you and me generally start to “spin” in the anger and depression stages and these are what I’m going to discuss today.

Anyone who has told you that their life is completely happy with very little stress or grief is fibbing probably a lot. All of us have grieving moments in the past that we’d wish we could forget. Because the U.S. unemployment rate is pushing towards 10 percent (or more than 6 million good folks like you and me), many of our friends are in the midst of one those grief stages I mentioned above.

With personal experience of being laid off from my dream job, the anger and depression stages seem to eat you up and not let you go. Why is that? So much of our self-worth, confidence in ourselves and (yes) even social standing is wrapped up in what we do for a living. You don’t have to be an owner of a company like me to understand that people sublimely judge you on the type of work that you do. When you meet strangers, what is usually an initial question they ask: “So what do you do for a living?”

When you are temporarily out of work, what do you say? A friend of mine said that this the hardest moment of searching for his next great work adventure. It also feeds the anger and depression all of us feel when something is taken away from us no matter how great you were at your job.

If you don’t get through the anger and/or depression stages, it makes a person’s life infinitely more challenging and mind-numbing. In fact, a lesser-known grief model hits the nail on the head:

The stages are:

- Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)

- Reorganization (re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life.)

- Relief (Where you want to be…)

So what do we do?

Nearly all of us realize that we will find the right job at some point – hopefully in the near future. But many great folks I know have been looking for more than a year. Thus, the anger, depression and stress keep building…

A few ways to avoid spinning continuously in the anger and depression modes are finding your circle of support, staying motivated and be proactive in networking. While I still had my moments of anger these three activities kept me resilient during very challenging times. Just think about:

Recovering Gracefully

There is definitely a recovery period after a job, relationship or any other significant loss in your life. And the recovery period may last longer than you think or hope. Feelings of anger or depression also may last for longer than you expect. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, and express your feelings in healthy ways so they will pass more quickly.

Writing this blog was one way I developed a very healthy and fulfilling way to stay healthy and have the right perspective. Try to do something fun in your life, instead of just trying to plug your way through the pain.

Finding Your Personal Support

The day I was laid off, I also started networking to find both a new full-time job and some contract work so I could pay my immediate bills. But the process can be daunting. It’s very important to have a support system–friends or family members who can motivate you to jump back on the horse. My wife, daughter and mother were absolutely critical in keeping my confidence high as I began a new speaking and writing business about resiliency.

Staying Motivated

Keeping grounded is key. Meeting with colleagues and friends helps me to deal with a lot of stress.  They show me that I am not the only one going through such stress – even though sometimes it feels that way.

Volunteering, formal classes, and exercising at the gym also are excellent ways to build structure into your days–and may provide that important lead to the next job. I volunteer with my local communications association, am a member of a local governmental board, and serve as president of my neighborhood association. Each provides an outlet for my talents and gives me the opportunity to network with so many folks.

Networking

I have always advocated networking-that’s how I found my last two full-time jobs and all of my contract work. I’ve written a lot about networking on my blog and encourage you to read my networking article I wrote several months ago. Eight out of ten job – probably more – are found through talking to friends, colleagues and new contacts. I am an introvert and have a physical disability – Cerebral Palsy. If I can network successfully, you can, too.

Find such ways to work through your grief, and I promise you your life will be more fulfilled, and you’ll be able to move on to your next great adventure!

Talk with you next week. It’s very gratifying and humbling that I am resonating with so many great folks like you worldwide!

So many of my friends and colleagues continue to suffer through this seemingly endless economic malaise. Whether it is being laid off, not finding (any) new great work adventure, having work hours reduced or having personal relationships take a skid, most of us have seen some part of our lives take  a hit as the economy finally begins its slow road to recovery.

I was laid off earlier this year from my dream job, and naturally I internalized some of the blame even though it was not my fault at all. Nearly 1500 of my co-workers also have received the pink slip over the last year. Each of them have probably had the same fault thoughts as they recover.

Three strategies that have helped me through to my next great adventure are not anything revolutionary. They are truly common-sense techniques that all of us possess, but some of us don’t use effectively. They are: Do not dwell on actions out of your control, use your network to seizer control of your career, and find ways to still have fun in life.

Like you, I am not a perfect person. Sometimes these techniques have gone out the window if I did not get a job I wanted, my daughter has had one of her teenage moments, or after I talk with a friend who is not handing life well.

But, overall, these strategies have truly kept me in the present without unduly worrying about the past or the future. They also can do the same for you!

For me: I was lucky to have parents who instilled these beliefs in me when I was young. Being resilient in today’s economy pales in comparison to life issues I have experienced in the past. As a person with a life-long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy or CP), I have literally fallen and hurt myself hundreds of times in my life. (Among other things, CP affects balance and walking.)

For my whole life, I’ve had to deal with things out of my control, nurture the support of my family and friends, find fantastic ways to stay resilient and still have fun. You, of course, have your own life challenges and my experiences might seem meager to what you have had to endure.

The point is finding control, accessing your network and continue having a bit of fun helps keep all of us from going nuts as we continue to hear that the economy and employment won’t truly hit their recovery stride until sometimes next year.

Control: What life and career actions are totally within your control? For me, being called a work “rock star” and “essential” gave me some belief that I could ride out the layoff wave. Yet, I was still laid off. Nearly all of us think we are in control of more things than we are. My mother has worked at the same company for nearly 63 years. She is a beloved instution at her company and continues to thrive every day. The rest of us can expect 10 jobs over our career – not because we like to move around or our performance is deficient. The great company you work for today may not be in control of their fate tomorrow.

So, why worry about things out of your control? A psychologist I had coffee with told me “it’s being human.” Sounds justifiable in the abstract, but that does not pay the mortgage, keep your solid relationships intact, or make you feel a whole lot better.

Next time you have a low-confidence moment, just think about the three life actions totally within your control – your attitude, your values and how you interact with people. Find ways to use these three to see what is important for your life – your family, your friends and yourself.

Network: All of us have our people “network” in addition to our close circle of family and friends. Most of us don’t use it as effectively as we could for various reasons. The most common is not knowing where to start.

In a previous article, I discussed my networking tips, which I will highlight for you again. If these work for me – being an introvert and physically challenged – they can most likely assist you in becoming better known in promoting your career needs.

Networking sounds hard, but it can be fairly straight-forward if you follow a few simple techniques. They can allow you  to successfully network with anyone.

When setting up a coffee or lunch, remember to access anyone that you know – from your previous jobs, the associations you belong and all your social media connections. The last two wonderful jobs I landed were directly accessed through my network.

Here’s the “skinny”:

1. Never ask them for a job, but provide them with a statement of the work you are looking for and a resume they can look through. If they have something, you’ll hear about the position. Networking, initially, is to get to know the person so they remember you when a position crosses their desk or they see something over the Internet.

2. While not asking for a job, you must ask them if they could connect you with at least two other folks from their network you can talk with. Asking for other people’s names/contact info is less threatening to them and shows your true desire to ask for their advice and counsel.

3. Always ask the person if they would provide short e-mail introductions to their contacts. This will give you instant credibility with those you will be contacting. They know the person you networked with, and that person has said what a nice guy you are, etc.

4. Meet your network contacts at places and times convenient for them. Have them suggest a spot, and they will feel more comfortable.

5. Always e-mail them after your networking meeting thanking them for their advice and potential contacts. Also, ask them if you could stay in contact with them periodically and maybe meet again at some later point.

6. When you first connect with your networker’s contacts, make sure to reference the person’s name and what a nice person he/she is. This will connect you with that person as the new contact decides whether he/she has time to network or will be able to provide you with an informational interview.

7. Repeat the same processes with every person that becomes a part of your network. Be patient and don’t be concerned the person does not get back to you right away. He/she may be extremely busy, and they may value your true patience with them.

8. Additionally, always let the people you meet with know you are more than willing to help them network or get connected with your contacts if they, at some point, look for a new position. Because remember: A fantastic networker understands that connecting is not a one-way street. Providing two-way support will show your willingness to go the extra mile and will probably be memorable to your “network.”

9. One last to do: I encourage you become active in a relevant industry association as part of your current position at work. This will give you visibility in the association, and you could personally meet a lot of folks who might be able to help you in the future.

Belief in networking will help you land your next great work adventure.

Fun: When was the last time you truly had fun this year? My family and I recently headed down to the Keys in Florida. While extremely hot and humid, the time allowed me to step back from this year and just enjoy the time I spent with my family. No phone calls, e-mails to answer or even articles/blog posts to write. It was fabulous! As an introvert, I need to reenergize myself once in a while, and Key West offered me big-time “reenergizing.” When I got back to Minnesota, I felt a bit like the energizer bunny!

You may not want to travel, but please find some quality time for yourself to chill a bit and remember the great person that you are. This time will truly and honestly make a difference as you move forward in you job, your family and, most importantly, in your life!

Please let me know how you are doing and expect to see a new post next week. Until then, I hope you are having a resilient day!

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Over the last seven months, I’ve written about a variety of career and life resiliency articles. To make sure I am hitting the subjects that resonate with you, please let me know other resiliency topics you’d like me to discuss in the future.

While I write this blog, the content is meant to engage and offer you common-sense ways to approach your resiliency at work and in life. I would appreciate your ideas to help me keep this blog fresh, forthcoming and current.

Thanks in advance for your comments!