Resiliency First

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Thanks to everyone who has responded privately about additional career and life resiliency topics they’d like me to write about or emphasize further. I had a request to talk a bit more about handling grief – especially for those good folks who have just lost or are possibly about to lose their jobs.

The economic perfect storm is still raging in many parts of the country. Unfortunately, some companies are still laying off folks without telling why them and not others.

It, of course, can be as simple as the people not being laid off have jobs more “critical” to the company’s survival. Or, to be bluntly honest, those not getting the pink slip are more efficient and do their jobs better.

But there are other times where decisions are made more because of friendships, alliances and relationships that are seen as positive rather than not. That management handpicks the people to go because of other reasons besides productivity.

As an idealist, I never want this to happen. But as a realist, I know these types of management decisions occur every day.

So, if you feel you are going to be laid off soon, how do you learn to be pre-resilient? Do you ask your boss how he/she came to choose you over others to be laid off? How do you walk in and retain composure in such situations?

There are probably many of you grappling this type of situation and wondering what to do and where to turn.

Although situations can be unique, every employee deserves respect and fairness. This, unfortunately, does not always happen in the work setting – or in life.

Pre-Resilience

You see it on the wall: In the next few weeks, you will be one of those next to go. Should you shudder? Should you keep silent and wait for the inevitable? Should you become depressed and start “spinning?”

No, No and Resiliently No! This may be extremely difficult, but you must communicate with your boss, and find out exactly what is going on. If he/she is evasive, contact your HR representative and explain your fears. It does absolutely no good to hide in your office and avoid the situation.

To get successfully through such emotionally-charged situations, you MUST stand up for your rights. Usually no one else will “fight” for you unless you go out of your comfort zone a bit. I’m not saying to be confrontational, but you have the right to know what is going on. Sometimes the truth can hurt, but it will give you the opportunity to have a clean slate and get on with your life successfully.

Early in my career, I had a situation where a person was receiving a vast amount of preferential treatment. The situation got so cozy that the person pushed me out of my job to get even closer to the “boss.” After talking with HR and doing a little investigation, I found evidence that the person was getting such preferential treatment because of certain “favors bestowed on the boss. I won’t go into the details, but needless to say I stayed and both of them left.

While this is a very extreme example, the point is you have to stick up for your rights and know why you are being the one  let go. You can do this in a very respectful way with constructive questions, and it will help you move past any loss – professionally or personally.

For your sanity alone, it does pay to ask questions. FDR’s great line, “ You have nothing to fear except fear itself,” applies so well in such work situations. Sure you may be scared, cry or feel totally uncomfortable in asking for your work rights. But this will help you move on to your next fantastic chapter of your life.

If you don’t get through the anger and/or depression stages, it will make your life infinitely more challenging and mind-numbing. Please think through the following grief model. It really hits how I – and probably you – have dealt with the ultimate challenging work or life situations.

The stages are:

- Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)

- Reorganization (re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life.)

- Relief (Where you want to be…)

So what do we do if you lose your job?

Nearly all of us realize that we will find the right job at some point – hopefully in the very near future. But many great folks I know have been looking for more than a year. Thus, the anger, depression and stress keep building…

A few ways to avoid spinning continuously in the anger and depression modes are finding your circle of support, staying motivated and being proactive in networking. While I still have had my moments of anger in my life, these three activities kept me resilient during very challenging times.

Just think about:

Recovering Gracefully

There is definitely a recovery period after a job, relationship or any other significant loss in your life. And the recovery period may last longer than you think or hope. Feelings of anger or depression also may last for longer than you expect. Give yourself time to grieve the loss, and express your feelings in healthy ways so they will pass more quickly.

Writing this blog was one way I developed a very healthy and fulfilling way to stay healthy and have the right perspective. Try to do something fun in your life, instead of just trying to plug your way through the pain.

Finding Your Personal Support

I also was laid off because of this tragic economy. I developed a personal business plan, looked at my personal brand very hard, and had a “heart-to-heart” with myself about I what I wanted to do for the rest of my career.

The process was be daunting but I knew it was important to get on the same page…with myself! It was also VERY important to have a support system–friends or family members who can motivate you to jump back on the horse.

My wife, daughter and mother were absolutely critical in keeping my confidence high as I began my very successful speaking and writing business about resiliency.

Staying Motivated

Keeping grounded is key. Meeting with colleagues and friends helps me to deal with a lot of stress.  They show me that I am not the only one going through such stress – even though sometimes it feels that way.

Volunteering, formal classes, and exercising at the gym also are excellent ways to build structure into your days–and may provide that important lead to the next job. I volunteer with my local communications association, am a member of a local governmental board, and serve as president of my neighborhood association. Each provides an outlet for my talents and gives me the opportunity to network with so many folks.

Networking

I have always advocated networking-that’s how I found my last two full-time jobs and all of my contract work. I’ve written a lot about networking on my blog and encourage you to read my networking article I wrote several months ago. Eight out of ten jobs – probably more – are found through talking to friends, colleagues and new contacts. I am an introvert and have a physical disability – Cerebral Palsy.

If I can network successfully, you can, too. Please check out my guide to successfully networking in a previous article on this site.

Find such ways to work through your grief, and I promise you your life will be more fulfilled, and you’ll be able to move on to your next great adventure!

Please let me know about a subject on resilience you’d like me to cover in the future. Thanks, again, for your tremendous support!

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@easrthlink.net

Preparing for tomorrow with the skills and talents you have today. As I was watching the NCCA men’s college basketball tournament in the U.S. this weekend, I was thinking about the amazing talents these young men have on the basketball court. What does this have to do with resiliency – and your life and career? Well…quite a lot.

All of us have our own set of unique life and career talents, but I don’t think many of us give ourselves enough credit for them. I’m not saying to posterize yourself, and let everyone constantly know your differentiators. I just think we don’t always let ourselves believe inside that there is a terrific person in there with unimaginable potential.

As I said last week, I think having confidence in you is part of the hurdle. But I think there is more…much more. Wouldn’t it be great to be 18 and have all the confidence in the world that you can make the winning jump shot in the basketball game of your life? That’s what these kids in “March Madness” are doing right now. They have little fear of failure and a real sense of invincibility that many of us have lost as we have gotten older.

Not that we fear life, but sometimes we fear making the wrong decisions detrimentally affecting our success moving forward.

I was at that point a year or so ago after I lost my dream communications director job at a company I truly valued. Then, the economic crisis hit, the company imploded, and I was wondering if I made the right decision moving from an even more secure company to follow my passions of directing communications.

I was fearful – not only because of the lost paycheck – of the loss within myself that I had made the wrong decision. For quite awhile at this company, my decision looked like it was a slam-dunk winner and I was 18 again. Then, something out of my control happened – the economy – and I was doubting myself.

I’m sure you’ve had similar points in your life where doubt has crept in, or broken through the door unexpectedly.

This is when my inner resiliency voice – that all of us have – took over. It told me to use all of my resilient strategies I’ve used in life to overcome a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy). Strategies like adaptability, not dwelling on things out of my control, perseverance, persistence and patience to name just a few. My “voice” led me to rethink my career and retool my friend to where it is today: Being known internationally as a speaker and writer about resiliency – and making a successful career out of it.

How are you using your inner resilience to get past the personal or professional hurdles that sometimes block your way?

In retooling myself, I had to develop a personal business plan, look at my personal brand very hard, and have a “heart to heart” with myself about what I wanted to do the rest of my life. While I still have a ways to go to achieve sustained financial success, I do feel on many days that I am 18 again – I’m actually 50 – ready to take that winning jumper with very little fear.

How about you? Are you ready to unlock your potential instead of just settling for something you are doing for slightly the wrong reasons? Where is your passion to do something you love to do and making a career out of it?

Times are challenging, I know. You feel like you need to hunker down at your present job and make it through. If you are happy, great! But if not, listen to your inner resiliency voice and unlock the passion for the rest of your career – and life. If you are still looking for your new great work adventure, please also listen to your inner voice to get you past some of the real and imagined hurdles on a daily basis.

Then, all of can feel like that 18 year old who just saw his shot swish through the basketball hoop to win the game. Except this time for you, it’s winning the ultimate game of life.

Thanks, again, for your support of my blog worldwide. It’s such a pleasure talking with you each week!

All of us have our days where confidence in ourselves is about as easy to find as the Loch Ness monster. You search for it, but all you can find is doubt and uncertainty. Why? You are doing all the things as the day before when your day was on the right track and having a smooth ride.

For me, it’s not because I lack the initiative, skills or drive to be successful every day. But sometimes I think I have to be up all the time even when something has not gone right that day — A client has been challenging, I am finding it hard to stay focused on my career, I had one of those drama queen-type of conversations with my teenage daughter. You know how it goes…

In my 25+ year work career, I’ve had countless successes and a few challenges along the way. When I’ve had challenges with my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), career and/or life, I have found the most important key is to have trust in myself. This unyielding confidence to successfully pull through any situation has been important for me.

Maintaining a baseline of confidence in good and not so good times is THE most important resiliency/adaptability factor that allows me to continue my work and life everyday.

Now that I’ve celebrated my 50th birthday a few months ago, life has had its moments where I’ve wanted to shut the world out because I’ve momentarily lacked the confidence in myself. This may have been because I had just tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and fallen. (My balance is sometimes affected by my physical disability.) Or, I just had a conversation with my daughter that I knew could have gone better. Or, I had just recently been laid of from a wonderful job I truly loved.

All of us have resilient issues – great and small – we face everyday. They can truly affect the confidence in ourselves. To help maintain resilience, I have highlighted a few of my successful confidence strategies that you may want to apply to your everyday needs.

I’d suggest you think about the following, and try at least one strategy this week to help stay resilient and confident. Because remember: Your most important asset is you.

- Finding one positive about yourself each day. Every day, I try to find at least one thing I did very well the previous day. This may be helping a colleague network to find a better job, knowing I treated my daughter fairly in a conversation about improving her grades, or (simply) that I exercised and liked the way my body reacted.

What is one simple or complex action yesterday that you felt confident about in your life?

- Stop sweating. I try to avoid sweating the daily small stuff that may lead me to lose a bit of confidence in myself. Whether that may be not worrying I am a couple minutes late for a meeting because I hurt my back getting out of the car, not getting one of my Top Five list of things done I promised myself, or forgetting to pet my wonderful dogs as I leave for work.

What small stuff will you try to avoid to keep your confidence on the right level each day?

- Liking Yourself. I am the first one to admit that I don’t always like myself every minute of every day. I make mistakes I regret, I don’t always see possibilities when they are in front of my face, or I am just having a bad hair day.

No matter what happens, though, I always remember what is truly important in my life – loving my beautiful wife, teaching my wonderful daughter the values she will carry throughout her life, or talking with the great friends I have had for so many years. Such examples are keys to being happy with myself and successfully getting past certain times where I don’t always see myself in the best light.

What do you like about yourself?

Over the next week, I suggest thinking through such questions, and trying to maintain the right amount of confidence in all parts of your life. There will always be days where your confidence wanes and your resiliency disappears. But just remember the love and emotional value of your family and friends, and the good that you do at work and throughout your life. You are such a good person!

A famous philosopher once said: “Maintaining one’s confidence is ultimately the gift of liking yourself no matter what external factors or internal demons get in the way.”

Thanks, again, for supporting my resiliency messages. I have now received comments from every continent – except Antarctica. I’m still holding out hope that a scientist or penguin is tuning into my site.:~)

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Last week was a tough one for civility, doing the right thing and the art of simple life resiliency.

We heard the unemployment rate is still nearly 10 percent and more than 8 million Americans are continuing to look for their next great work adventure. Experts also said U.S. employment projections don’t hint at “normalcy” before 2012.

This has forced many of us to rethink and reinvent our careers – and work doubly hard to support our families. We have been burning the midnight oil – sometimes seven-days-a-week – to stay resiliently healthy.

So when two U.S. senators stood in front of cameras last week to basically sucker punch those of us staying resilient, I was deeply saddened and angry. What did they say or do?

A retiring Kentucky senator waged a nearly one-man crusade to twice block the extension of jobless benefits for those who may have nowhere else to turn for a bit of financial help. Members from both sides of the political aisle were aghast and disgusted with his insensitivity and sheer disdain for his fellow Americans in need.

Then, even worse, an Arizona senator had the gall to say extending unemployment benefits would perpetuate the laziness of those unemployed or underemployed. This statement was the ultimate embarrassment – to him.

I typically write exclusively about resiliency topics, but having two very influential politicians out-of-touch with the resiliency of Americans deserved a special comment this week.

Unemployment benefits have helped me retool my career interrupted by this tragic economy. An economy unfortunately still in disarray because both sides of the aisle are not willing to give a little for the common good.

I have very humbly become an internationally-known speaker and writer about career and life resiliency. It’s been a true blessing for a guy who has resiliently adapted to a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) – and a lay off from my 25-year corporate communications executive career.

Without the unemployment benefits, however, my road would have been much harder and challenging.

I purposely don’t mention the senators’ names or party affiliations because they should not matter. Whether Democrats, Republicans, Independents or a reincarnation from the Whig party, this is not the time to play with the lives and resiliency of good people trying to make it through another day.

By the end of last week, both senators felt intense pressure to moderate their positions and the unemployment benefit package passed overwhelmingly.

The common-sense point: With so many still desperately looking for work with little success, this extension gives folks some additional financial relief for the sort-term future. Last week, sadly, an additional 34,000 workers lost their jobs nationwide.

While government cannot fund everything, these additional benefits may allow a few more families to stave off foreclosure, dust themselves off, stay resilient and get back on their feet again.

Government should never hold the lives and well being of any of us in the balance for unnecessary and ill-conceived political purposes.

Fortunately as America and other parts of the world have done for so long, cooler and more resilient minds finally saw the light on the 29^th day of a 30-day cycle. Thank goodness!

I, again, appreciate your constant support of my free resiliency advice web site. Until next week…

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Inspiration and resilience come in many forms. Great folks like you around the world have reached out to me through my speeches and writings to say they are extremely inspired by how I have successfully overcome the challenges of my lifelong disability – Cerebral Palsy.

Yes, I’ve dusted myself off to turn such a life obstacles into the persistent pursuit of the best that I can be. But there are so many others of you who may have much more profound challenges that are deep inside that can lead to tremendous pain and sorrow.

I, for example, was absolutely inspired by Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette, who recently was awarded the Olympic bronze medal for her incredible – and resilient – performance. She received great scores and found something inside to give even more. Joannnie’s mother, you see, had just died of a massive heart attack in the Olympic Village only days before her daughter’s stunning skating competition.

Nobody would have blinked an eye if Joannie had just pulled out of the competition to deal with the tremendous grief of someone more important to her than anyone else. Yet, she persevered and showed all of us the true spirit of our human experience. Her resolve, dedication and persistence to still be her very best despite unimaginable heartache is the pure essence of how all of us can use our resilience in so many ways.

I have to adapt, compromise and be patient when I have my physical challenges of falling, losing my balance and walking a bit differently. But Joannie, and many of you, have had to deal with losses much greater than mine using your resilience to make it through successfully.

I’m also truly inspired by the many stories you’ve told me about in your everyday lives!

Joannie also showed us that resilience also means finding ways to use your inner strengths of adaptability and sheer determination to overcome. Not only the devastating loss of her mother, but the lifelong support she provided Joannie through – literally – the ups and downs of her outstanding skating career.

What was even more inspirational, she was able to handle all this grief in the intense glare of a worldwide audience and representing her country at the largest sporting event globally. I cannot have more respect and admiration for her…

When I lost my father several years ago, I was a wreck and that was in the privacy of my family and my own life. My life resilience is still tested every time a memory filters through of my father. ..many tears are shed. So, when I saw Joannie’s strength and compassion for her mother in such a public arena, it is a moment that helps me with the grief of my dad – and a wonderful example for the rest of my life.

Unless they are truly special, the fame of sports figures are only a momentary blip until the next great athlete takes the worldwide stage. I have a feeling Joannie will step up on the podium with the likes of Jesse Owens to offer the most inspiring example of resilience despite unfathomably tragic circumstances.

The next time something does not go quite right at work or in your personal relationships, please just remember the resilience, perseverance and sheer strength that one little-known figure skater showed the world. I definitely will…

I was recently a featured guest on a national radio show highlighting life and career resiliency. I will be adding a podcast link to this site very soon. Please let me know if I could help you or your company with the return on investment of resiliency. All of us can make a resilient difference…

Until next week, thanks for your continued readership. My worldwide resiliency blog has now nearly surpassed 1.5 million hits in the last year. Thank you!!!