Resiliency First

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

In the last three weeks, I have focused my articles on handling different types of stress because of requests by many of you around the world. These are highly stressful times, and your happiness and success depend on how you manage life’s “ups” and “downs.”

All of us are resilient 24 hours a day. In saying this, there are moments in my life that I’ve just wanted to bury my head, cruise off to a south sea island and not worry about the every day craziness of life.

This craziness may be caused by me having a truly challenging day at the office, losing confidence in myself with some part of my life I’m usually very great at, someone has said something I have taken the wrong way, or I just feel like I’ve let people down – including myself.

This is when my inner resilience voice has spoken very softly but firmly saying: “Steve, you are not going to get through this challenge unless you understand that life is much more than being a good worker, good father or being good co-worker. A resilient life is about being good to myself and learning from missteps I have made in my career and personal life. And then bouncing back from these setbacks to become even stronger.

As you think through your life actions, I’m sure you agree that sometimes being good to yourself is the hardest accomplishment. To help with life, I’d suggest:

Listening to your self-talk…

What are you telling yourself? If it’s negative — rewrite it! Keeping a daily or weekly log of your self-talk may help you identify what it is and when you do it. You might write it something like this:

Stressor #1:

What I said to myself…

Before:

During:

After:

Type of negative self talk:

Stressor #2:

What I said to myself…

Before:

During:

After:

Type of negative talk:

Stressor #3:

What I said to myself…

Before:

During:

After:

Type of negative talk:

Compare your talk to the different types of negative self-talk. You may find patterns in the type of talk you do in these examples:

All-or-none — Everything is black or white. If it’s not perfect, then it’s unacceptable.

Over-generalization — One bad event means everything is bad forever.

Disqualifying/minimizing the positive — Focusing only on the negative parts of an event.

Jumping to conclusions — Assuming negative future consequences without the support of facts.

Mislabeling — Putting negative labels on yourself, which influences future events.

Personalization — Assuming all responsibility for a negative event, even if you are not responsible.

Stop your self-talk and change your outlook…

Immediately say to yourself, “STOP!” Do something else as a distraction. Ask yourself:

- What would I say to someone else who was in this situation?

- What would my [mother, friend, sister, coworker] say to me about the situation?

Pick a positive self-statement. Repeat it over and over. For example, “I can do this,” or “I can get through this.”

When I literally trip and fall because my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) has made my back seize up, this is when I need to use my inner courage and fully understand my stressors.

When I have not been as patient with someone (including myself) as I should be, I have to remember how lucky I am to have such great friends and colleagues at my side. And determine what type stressors are making me less patient.

When I have disappointed myself because I did not properly gauge the best course of action, I have to remember that I am not perfect and my next decisions will determine how I successfully move forward. What stressors are causing me to think this way?

As I write to you today, I have received many comments about how you are thinking the same types of things. What stressors can you better control or react to in a different way?

We all live our resiliency every day, but I feel it takes a bit of extra reflection to make sure our resiliency in highly stressful times stays at least on an even keel. As I try to do, I suggest you reflect on what goals and values are truly important to you. Is it work? Is it your personal life? Is it both? Reflecting on this will help you better handle the stress and good times in your life.

To be successful at long-term resiliency, I have found you need to truly understand what’s vitally important to your on-going needs. For me, I absolutely want to be successful in resiliency speaking and writing business. But in need to manage my inevitable stress to help me see clearly as I talk worldwide.

Life has been extremely challenging for many of us during this Great Recession. Nerves have become frayed, some dreams have been put on hold, and personal relationships have sometimes taken back seat because of the unabridged stress we have found in these uncertain times.

I am definitely not an idealist, but I have come to realize that 24-hour-day resiliency is not something you can take for granted in any way. Handling stress is so important to our overall well-being and confidence in ourselves. It’s all up to me – and you!

Take care, and I will talk with you next week…

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Life can be a true joy or such a paradox in so many ways for all of us.

Take me, for example…

- As I very humbly become known nationally and internationally for my resiliency writings, speeches and conversations, life has moved in a very terrific direction over the last year.

- I am getting use to a walking aid – a cane – that I’ve never needed in adapting to a lifelong Cerebral Palsy physical disability in my 50 years.

- My wife and daughter are doing great, and warm weather has finally decided to make a sustained appearance in Minnesota.

I also had two important speeches/conversations last week that went superbly. Life was good.

That is, until I became very sick with food poisoning last week after a resiliency speech at a local hotel. Talk about running up against a brick wall, or remembering when I smacked my head against an unforgiving marble floor after falling at a work conference a couple years ago. Nothing prepared me for this last week…and I felt like I was going to die.

One thing was re-emphasized, however, and a point for all of us: Be ready to stay nimble and grateful for life because, in an instant, your world could detrimentally change – even if it is only a short period of time.

A good friend just told me that a young person he knows was just diagnosed with cancer. Life can be unmistakably unfair sometimes. That definitely tempers my challenges of last week.

I am finally recovering and Godspeed to my colleague’s young friend.

But what about you? Are you going through a dramatic change – and worrying about your job or where your next great work adventure will surface? Has your health suffered or changed in some way?

A recent study showed more than 30 percent of us are acutely stressed by these challenging times, which has created an inordinate amount of health issues for us. The stress of life is causing us to get run down and become susceptible to many health concerns.

All of us, of course, need to stay as healthy as possible without the everyday life challenges pointing us down an unhealthy road. Before unhealthy stress or anxiety can cause your body to react negatively, I’d suggest trying to understand what stress can do to our bodies. If not managed properly, it can lead to many health problems that might derail your successful journey in navigating the undercurrents of staying healthy in these challenging times.

The following resiliently healthy tips are part of a managing stress regimen that has helped me keep mostly in control of my health – despite the recent food poisoning. It has provided me a process to keep cruising down a healthier road. I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks, again, to my local health provider, for information about understanding how unhealthy stress can compromise your body. While I was stressing about the food poisoning, I was making it worse because I was also had anxiety about the work/life actions my illness was preventing me from accomplishing last week.

Here’s what I need to remember, and I hope you keep in mind to stay “healthy.”

Stress and your body

A stress response can set off all kinds of complicated activity in different parts of your body. And it can all happen as quickly as the flip of a healthy switch.

A closer look

What you feel as stress actually starts in your brain the moment you perceive a stressor. Say, for example, a mean-looking dog growling at you while you stroll down the sidewalk.

Here’s what happens:

-      Your eyes send a dog image to your brain.

-      Within a split-second, your brain registers that image as “stressful.”

-      Stress hormones are released into your in your brain. They’re like little boosters that help your body respond to the stressor with the classic flight or flight response.

The classic fight or flight response? Yes — this is your response to stress hormones that release from your adrenal glands after a signal occurs in your brain. The purpose of stress hormones is to get your body ready to react — fight or flight.

Here are some examples of how your body prepares:

• Heart rate speeds up
• Blood pressure rises
• Muscular strength increases (or tightens)
• Brain activity increases
• Breathing rate quickens
• Metabolic rate speeds up
• Potential energy sources — sugar and cholesterol — release into your bloodstream

Now you’re ready to give that stressor your best shot. Or, if you see that the mean dog is behind a fence and can’t hurt you (phew!) — your body realizes it no longer needs the heightened state of readiness. You then return back to your normal state.

Why prolonged stress is bad – and unhealthy

Stress hormones are useful for short periods of time. But if you’re under stress much of the time (chronic stress), stress hormones and their effects are present, too.

Let’s take a look at how chronic stress and a build-up of stress hormones can be bad for you.

Know the signs of stress

Not surprisingly — with all that potential for harm — unmanaged stress tends to leave its evidence behind.

Here’s a chart showing some of the most common signs of stress. If you find these signs of unmanaged stress look familiar, you probably have some work to do. Your overall health may depend on your actions.

Meet your stress hormones

- Adrenalin increases your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.

- Cortisol increases the amount of blood glucose (sugar) to your brain (helping you think fast and focus your attention) and to your muscles (helping you run fast and boost your strength).

Mean dog or microphone: The response is the same

Here’s something you may not realize. Once the stress message leaves your brain and the stress hormones start to do their job, your body only reacts in one way. Regardless of the situation, your body’s reaction is the same whenever you sense a stressor. It might be good stress or bad stress. It could be a dangerous dog or standing up to give a speech. To your body, it doesn’t matter. The physical responses are the same, and it all counts as stress.

Tracking stress

Learn to stress less — track it! Awareness is the first step… so keep a stress log.

Once you take a minute to write things down, you will have a clear idea of your stressors and how you respond to them. The first step in managing stress is to identify its source.

When this triggers, your body gears up for action.

While I was worrying about my health last week, I was not thinking about any of this. I just wanted to get well. But if your health is suffering from your job or unfortunately lack of one right now, please think through how stress can lead you down a bumpy – and unhealthy road. A road that may not give you the opportunity to use your tremendous resilience…

I truly appreciate your ongoing readership and look forward to our chats in the future. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about other specific resiliency topics. Take care.

by Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Stress, anxiety, relaxation, fulfillment and resiliency. All of these everyday responses are inevitably connected as we walk successfully through our lives and careers. In this challenging economy, we could probably highlight four or five top-of-mind examples of how we have adapted to the stress/anxiety in our lives.

But how about the times we have actually taken time to relax, and be happy and fulfilled with our simple and complex life moments? Probably not as easy to list…

Whether it is effectively overcoming a challenging work situation, trying to find your next great work adventure, or just having a meaningful conversation with a 15-year-old drama queen daughter like mine. Stuff always seems to get in the way of those soothing words like “relax,” or “fulfilled.”

No matter how you define it, life has been full of storms most of us have had to successfully navigate through lately – in Minneapolis like me or around the world. I just learned, for example, that I need a cane at age 50 to continue to successfully adapting to a lifelong physical disability known as Cerebral Palsy. This was a lightening bolt that I hoped would never come…

As I have finally done, however, please take time to relax, be happy and realize the special person that you are. No matter what stresses you have all of us need to find those quiet moments to keep healthy. Even though I have been very humbly called the doctor of resiliency worldwide, I also sometimes struggle finding those tranquil corners of my life.

One of the stress management avenues that has helped re-engage my mind’s dusty relaxation nooks is a suggested stress program my local medical plan provider offers to all of its clients. I have particularly found the following useful in “un-stressing” myself to successfully detour into a relaxation lane where I can recharge my battery. I hope these suggestions provide you with the same smooth ride and resiliency.

Relaxation Techniques

An important lesson to learn is that the stress response happens naturally — we don’t consciously turn it on or off. And that’s a good thing, because it helps us get things done.

But if we are always experiencing the stress response, we wear down. Strive instead for balance — that’s the key to feeling your best.

The Relaxation Response

We, of course, respond to stress everyday. The good thing is, we can teach our bodies to do the opposite. Just think of it as the symptoms of stress response reversed.

- Your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure relax.
- The production of stress-related hormones (adrenaline and cortisol)
is inhibited.
- Endorphins (your body’s “feel good” hormones) increase
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Relaxation takes many forms — from formal techniques (e.g., meditation, yoga, tai chi) to personal things like physical activity, reading, listening to music, camping, and getting together with a friend.

Here are a few easy steps to try as you learn to relax.

Techniques and Exercises to Help you De-Stress…

Visualization:

This is a good relaxation method for when you’re alone — at your desk, early in the morning or right before falling asleep at night.

To begin this technique, think back to a time when you were in a favorite place doing something you really enjoy. Put yourself in that place — try to be there as fully as you can. Close you eyes and think:

- Where is that place?
- What is it like?
- What do you see? Hear? Smell?
- How do you feel physically? Emotionally?

When you are ready, count backward from 10 to 1 and open your eyes.

Notice how your body feels… does it feel good?

Most people find that it does. Here’s why: Your mind doesn’t necessarily know the difference between the actual experience and your memory of it — so your body responds in the same way.

The Power of Suggestion:

Try this: For the next 30 seconds, don’t think of an elephant. Think of anything else, but don’t think about an elephant.

Did it work? Don’t feel bad. That’s the power of suggestion at work. When you see the word elephant, it automatically calls to mind some images that you associate with elephants. You can’t help it.

In the previous exercise, you called to mind your favorite place and doing something you enjoy. You followed a suggestion. You can use this to help you take a shortcut to relaxing.

Here’s how:

- Repeat the visualization exercise above.

- When you feel good effects, give yourself a key word or phrase — something appropriate to you and the situation. Repeat that phrase throughout the exercise.

- When you’d like to visualize that place again, start by repeating that key word or phrase.

Deep Breathing:

Breathing is fundamental to all forms of relaxation — therefore it is one of your most powerful tools.

Changing how you breathe can help you relax, and increase your energy and regulate your emotional state.

Here’s how:

- Holding your breath, or shallow breathing (mostly from your chest), triggers the stress response.

- Breathing from your diaphragm (diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing) turns off the stress response and engages the relaxation response.

That’s why deep breathing is an effective tool all by itself. You can also pair it with other techniques to help you relax ever further.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation:

Each day, you usually accumulate stress-related muscle tension. This tension can cause:

- Headaches.
- Backaches.
- Neck and Shoulder Pain.
- Illnesses.

By paying attention to your body and posture, you can tell whether you have extra tension in your body.

Ask yourself:

- Are your shoulders raised?
- Is your jaw clenched?
- Are you gripping the steering wheel of your car with all your might?
- Are your abdominal muscles tight?

To find out, this method can help you pinpoint areas of stress in your body. Here’s how:

Pinpoint stress? Here’s how:

- Sit in a comfortable upright position with your back straight
but not rigid.
- Close your eyes and practice deep breathing.
- Do a conscious “inventory” of your body, paying special attention to any areas of pain, discomfort or tension.
- Direct your attention to a specific area and consciously breathe “into” that area. When you inhale, notice the uncomfortable sensation. On the exhale, consciously breathe out your tension.

You’re carrying extra tension around, progressive muscle relaxation may be the perfect technique to try.

With this easy technique, you:

- Contract (squeeze) a muscle.
- Relax the muscle.
- Move (progress) from one muscle group to the next.

Progressive muscle relaxation? Here’s how:

- Lie down in a comfortable position. Keep your back straight
and don’t cross your arms and legs. Close your eyes.
- Practice deep breathing to start.
- Begin at the top of your body by clenching all of your face and
neck muscles. Squeeze your forehead, eyes, lips and neck muscles for a few seconds, then completely release as you exhale.
- Move down your body by clenching your shoulder and arm
muscles for a few seconds, then completely release as you exhale.
- Continue doing the same as you move down into each muscle group. Remember to practice your deep breathing as you go.
- When finished contracting each muscle group, lie still for a few minutes and just enjoy the feeling of relaxation.
- When you are ready, count backward from 10 to 1 (while
continuing to deep breathe) and open your eyes. Notice how your body feels.

Progressive muscle relaxation requires practice to master, but it’s also one of the most effective relaxation techniques.

Meditation:

Meditation has been around for hundreds of years, developed as a form of self-investigation and acceptance.

In recent years, scientific studies have reinforced and proven the benefits of meditation. With it, you can increase your awareness of the sources and causes of your stress, bringing relief and happiness.

There are two basic forms of meditation:

- Concentrative meditation focuses on a single element, such as sound, image or feeling — it excludes everything else.

- Mindfulness meditation includes all elements of the environment and focuses on recognizing your stressors and letting them go.

With both types of meditation, you need to train your mind. If your mind begins to wander, you must coax it back to the focus of your meditation. And although meditation can help nearly everyone, it is important to understand some basic elements to choose the form that works best for you.

Concentrative meditation? Here’s how:

- First, choose a familiar word that has meaning for you and is
easy to repeat.
- Focus on your breathing. Feel your abdomen expand and
contract. If your mind wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.
- After a few minutes, start repeating your chosen word. Concentrate on every breath you take. Allow the sound of your word to lead you deeper into relaxation — forget everything else.
- As your session ends, gradually return your focus to your breathing, and slowly begin to notice what is happening both internally and externally.

Yoga:

Yoga is a mind-body exercise combining stretching and controlled breathing to achieve relaxation and a stabilized mood. In addition to stress reduction, yoga provides many other benefits, including:

- Increased flexibility and coordination.
- Reduced muscle tension.
- Improved balance.
- Management of other health conditions, such as low back pain, multiple sclerosis and arthritis.

There are many different types of yoga, but all share basic elements — rhythmic breathing, meditation and stretching postures (called asanas). The most common form of yoga is hatha yoga — a series of gentle movements that can be tailored to your abilities.

Mindfulness Meditation:

Mindfulness encourages you to be fully present. It also teaches you to accept change, to “go with the flow.” You may have noticed that two different people faced with the same stressful situation may have very different responses, some of which may depend on personality, some of which can be learned.

Mindfulness meditation? Here’s how:

- Focus on your breathing. Feel your abdomen expand and contract. If your mind wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.
- Allow your thoughts to come and go freely. You may experience physical sensations, like pain, pleasure, sadness or happiness. Allow these to happen without resistance.
- Allow yourself to experience the present moment. Forget about the past and future. Be in the moment as much as possible.
If your attention wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.

Four tips for meditating:

- Find a quiet environment and an uninterrupted block of time. You may want to set a timer. Ten minutes once a day is a good start. Work to expand the duration, or add a second session at a different time of day.
- Establish a comfortable position. The ideal is to sit upright, back straight, cross-legged on the floor, or in a chair. Find a relaxed position you can maintain without effort.
- Choose an object to focus on, whether it be external (a picture on the wall) or internal (your chosen word).
- Work toward letting go and accepting whatever comes up.

Please remember, as I finally did, that life is more than just dealing with stress and anxiety. These responses can dominate us if we are not careful. By using such relaxation techniques, however, you’ll find your life much more fulfilling and you’ll be even more successful. It will, then, be less about your daily stress balancing act and more about total life fulfillment.

Thanks, again, for making my blog one of the most read in the nation! Until next week my friends…

by Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

All of us have daily challenges and some weeks are far more stressful than others. To effectively deal with my career and life ups and downs,  I periodically ask myself this resiliency question: What makes me the happiest about myself for that particular moment?

I think all of us should step back once in awhile and ask this “happy” question. Understanding yourself better will allow you to successfully manage those “stress obstacles” that inevitable come up in all our lives.

- Is it something great you have accomplished at work?

- Is it that you remembered to kiss your wonderful spouse when in the morning?

- Is it that you’ve effectively handled a typical challenge from my teenager?

- Is it that you’ve thought about positive things about yourself that day without sweating the small stuff?

- Is it successfully overcoming significant and truly challenging circumstances, so you can have peace with yourself?

I have found resiliency is more than just dealing with the big things in life – a death of a family member, losing one’s job or dealing with many other family or work situations. It is sometimes the smaller things we do everyday that make us feel good about ourselves and able to adapt successfully when unforeseen events happen.

In saying this, however, all of us have those big moments that show our true grit and resilience as a person. While I’ve had a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I’ve always walked independently without any aids like a cane. Well, unfortunately, no more. I am now using a cane on those days by back doesn’t feel so good.

While this may seem a small step, it does point out that sometimes all of us need to adapt to things we never want in our lives. To stay happy, fulfilled and continue living a normal life, I’ve had to make such adjustments that I would not have done even two months ago.

The point is you never know what is going to happen to you at work and in life. Being adaptive and understanding what makes you ultimately happy will be a resilient difference for you moving forward. Those big – and small – challenges still may hurt but you’ll definitely see yourself in a more resilient light!

My resiliency challenge for you this week is to do one thing that makes you happy, which has been off your radar screen for awhile. Maybe it is kissing your spouse or actually having a meaningful conversation with one or all of your children. Or it may be helping a co-worker with a work project even though you are not assigned to do it.

These are actions within your control and are easily doable if only you give a small portion of your time. For me, my resiliency biz is going very well, and I need to spend time understanding that my true happiness depends on continuing to be independent. If a cane helps me with this, it’s O.K.

Finding your happiness threshold will allow you to be the great person that you are – and not worry as much about parts of your life not always within your total control. Building such resiliency and inner-feeling of good inside will allow you to stay happy even when things are not always going exactly as you had hoped.

Take care my friends until next week, and I hope you have a resilient – and happy – day!

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Understanding the importance of dealing effectively with the diversity and differences of people can get lost as many of us try to reinvent ourselves in these new economic days.

This is when, though, we need to understand certain life connections to be successful. Finding that healthy balance between our own self-interest and the way we compassionately treat others will determine our long-term resiliency in our lives/careers.

Diversity means many things to all of us. Some of us see it as the millions of types of plants in this world. Others may think of the thousands of types of birds on our planet. While additional folks simply think of the diversity of life and how we relate and treat others fairly.

To me, diversity begins with how I have successfully overcome a lifelong physical disability known as Cerebral Palsy…and how people react to me because of it. CP is a birth defect that affects my entire right side of my body causing my hand to be limp, making me walk funny and fall more than I want.

No matter how you define it, I think it is important that all of us react with empathy for those who may be a bit different from us. Even as we navigate through the challenging economic currents of life today, I encourage you to remember how lucky most of us are in this world.

I was watching a news program awhile back about people in a certain part of the world living on and eating from garbage dumps. I first pitied and felt sorry for them.

But, whether it is age, race, gender, a place where a person lives or someone like me with a disability… A difference should not always mean you should treat anyone less than how you’d like to be treated. As far as those living on landfills, I decided to give some money to organizations helping provide safe housing for them.

Learning Through Actions of Others

Because I was born in the 1950s, the way folks dealt with differences were less enlightened and tolerant than they are today.

My parents had to fight for my individual, basic rights when I was growing up in the 1960s. Back then, people still were able to institutionalize folks like me or put them in a back room of a house with the shutters closed. Society was not always ready to see anything that was not considered “normal.”

Through 2nd grade, I was in – what they called back then – a crippled school for children. The school was a very nice place, but it softened every blow or mistake students like me made. Like your parents, my mother and dad wanted me to achieve my potential – whatever that potential was going to be. I could have stayed in this school but was mainstreamed into a “normal” school in St. Louis Park in the third grade. This began my journey of truly growing up and seeing how kids reacted to my differences.

It was not always a pretty sight and I still have a few emotional scars today.

I’m not going to tell you examples of my life to gain your empathy. I hope my stories help you think just a bit about the way you react to situations different than what you think, or people different than what you are used to. This will help you become more successful in your career…and especially life.

Whether it is someone with a disability like me, a co-worker that is challenging to get along with, or someone who just does not fit in with your types of friends, your future achievements depend on how you react in a resilient, tolerant way.

A story of a great athlete in the Twin Cities is an enlightening diversity and differences example. I heard that Joe Maurer, a famous Minnesota Twins’ baseball star, use to do something rather cool in high school. Instead of always sitting with his circle of close friends at lunch, he would, gosh forbid, sit at tables with others he did not know. Whether they were geeks or those considered on the high school fringes, he wanted to get to know them…instead of only relying on what other people’s perceptions.

This was no mere gesture by Joe but a way he could find a more open path to effectively dealing with people who may be a bit different from him. I truly applaud his attitude.

Differences That Could Be Seen

Very humbly, I’ve been very successful in relating and treating others in my career/life because of the many life hurdles I have overcome. How have your life hurdles shaped the way you resiliently treat people everyday?

Life is truly special for me. Really, I should be dead. I was born in the late 1950s two months early and less than four pounds. This was very serious back then, and I was in an incubator for quite a long time clinging to life. Then, doctors found that I had Cerebral Palsy caused by a birth trauma. They told my parents I would have little use of my right hand, not walk normally and have many other problems.

They did not give up on me, and I have been blessed with a great life because of them.

The road after that was not easy, scripted or always fun – especially in elementary school. My resilience was born the first day of third grade…I only wish I had a person like Joe Maurer sitting with me at lunch those days.

I was 10 years old in 1969 and was escorted to my “normal” classroom on the first day of third grade. All the other kids were in the gym listening to the Principal welcoming them to the new school year.

The kids finally came to the classroom and the first one said after seeing me seated at my desk: “Why are you here…are you some sissy who can’t get to the gym?” Well, after a few minutes, the teacher asked me to walk up to the front of the room to introduce myself. Everyone laughed and said, ”Why do you walk so funny?”

Now, many of you may have much more challenging life issues than mine, that night was the first of many that I cried myself to sleep because I did not understand what was wrong with me and why the kids were being so mean. While my parents were extremely loving and supportive, this brought me to the “Naked Truth.” A reality – a signature moment – that would have a profound affect on my entire life.

Even though I was 10 at the time, I remember thinking that I was not going to let the constant teasing ruin my life.

More Lessons Learned

As any teen, my hormones were raging when I was 16. I liked a lot of girls, and a few actually liked me. I went out with this particularly pretty girl to a movie that I don’t remember – my whole focus was nowhere close to the movie screen.

Everything was going great until an older boy came up to me in the bathroom afterwards and said: ”You have no right to be out with this girl, you should only stick with your crippled friends.” She just feels sorry for you…you’ll never have a real girlfriend.”

I also was told by another student: “I would never date and marry except ‘with my own kind.’”

Talk about devastating. I didn’t date another girl for a long time until I got past the hurt and remembered: “Yes, you have a difference but there are many wonderful girls that see more than just your challenges.”

I now have been married more than 25 years to a beautiful able-bodied woman, and we have a cool 15-year-old drama queen-type daughter, two dachshund dogs and a guinea pig. A terrific life…

This from a guy who was close to not making it out of the incubator because of a series of complications after being born. Resilience is a blessing!

Not many in school also thought I could do anything normal like sports-related activities. They laughed again when I said I played golf and tennis. They did not laugh after I lettered in high school tennis and golf – and became a, very humbly, a terrific golfer when I was a little older.

Additionally, another high-schooler told me I should not take any advanced classes because “my kind” only works at menial jobs suited for them. Well, I achieved nearly straight “As” in high school, and had a blast and studied hard in college. As I have moved on in my career as a corporate communications executive and resiliency speaker/writer, I have gratefully been financially successful.

The point in these stories is that you should never try to unfairly judge someone because they may not necessarily be like you at work or in life. It’s not fair to the person but also will not help you in life or the working world where everyone has some type of difference or diversity you may not be familiar with…

A Creaky Realization

Now that I am older – I just reached 50 in December – I have to think harder about those with differences from me. I am extremely independent and have never required walking aids such as a cane or scooter to get me around. While CP is a birth defect and does not get worse as you age, your body starts to wear out – back, joints, etc. I’m at the point where I may need a cane to walk a longer distance.

I’ve always felt more normal because I did not need such aids. I now need to change my diversity definition and not think I’ll be less of a person because I can’t walk as independently as I once did.

So, I understand how it can be hard for many of you able-bodied individuals to compassionately and effectively deal with those different from you – especially at work. I thought I’d never be like those individuals who need aids. In a sense, I felt more independent and not needing to rely on others. Now, I need to adapt my perspective a bit.

As you look at possibly retooling parts of your life and work career, I’d suggest thinking first about how you currently treat others. If you are empathetic and compassionate, please commend yourself. If you want to retool a bit in this area, you will find greater satisfaction to continue your resilient success.

You’ll definitely be happier and gain a healthier, more tolerant perspective as you move forward. It’s definitely up to you!

Thanks, again, and look forward to talking with you next week. Stay resilient – and tolerant – my friends…