By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net
In the last three weeks, I have focused my articles on handling different types of stress because of requests by many of you around the world. These are highly stressful times, and your happiness and success depend on how you manage life’s “ups” and “downs.”
All of us are resilient 24 hours a day. In saying this, there are moments in my life that I’ve just wanted to bury my head, cruise off to a south sea island and not worry about the every day craziness of life.
This craziness may be caused by me having a truly challenging day at the office, losing confidence in myself with some part of my life I’m usually very great at, someone has said something I have taken the wrong way, or I just feel like I’ve let people down – including myself.
This is when my inner resilience voice has spoken very softly but firmly saying: “Steve, you are not going to get through this challenge unless you understand that life is much more than being a good worker, good father or being good co-worker. A resilient life is about being good to myself and learning from missteps I have made in my career and personal life. And then bouncing back from these setbacks to become even stronger.
As you think through your life actions, I’m sure you agree that sometimes being good to yourself is the hardest accomplishment. To help with life, I’d suggest:
Listening to your self-talk…
What are you telling yourself? If it’s negative — rewrite it! Keeping a daily or weekly log of your self-talk may help you identify what it is and when you do it. You might write it something like this:
Stressor #1:
What I said to myself…
Before:
During:
After:
Type of negative self talk:
Stressor #2:
What I said to myself…
Before:
During:
After:
Type of negative talk:
Stressor #3:
What I said to myself…
Before:
During:
After:
Type of negative talk:
Compare your talk to the different types of negative self-talk. You may find patterns in the type of talk you do in these examples:
All-or-none — Everything is black or white. If it’s not perfect, then it’s unacceptable.
Over-generalization — One bad event means everything is bad forever.
Disqualifying/minimizing the positive — Focusing only on the negative parts of an event.
Jumping to conclusions — Assuming negative future consequences without the support of facts.
Mislabeling — Putting negative labels on yourself, which influences future events.
Personalization — Assuming all responsibility for a negative event, even if you are not responsible.
Stop your self-talk and change your outlook…
Immediately say to yourself, “STOP!” Do something else as a distraction. Ask yourself:
- What would I say to someone else who was in this situation?
- What would my [mother, friend, sister, coworker] say to me about the situation?
Pick a positive self-statement. Repeat it over and over. For example, “I can do this,” or “I can get through this.”
When I literally trip and fall because my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) has made my back seize up, this is when I need to use my inner courage and fully understand my stressors.
When I have not been as patient with someone (including myself) as I should be, I have to remember how lucky I am to have such great friends and colleagues at my side. And determine what type stressors are making me less patient.
When I have disappointed myself because I did not properly gauge the best course of action, I have to remember that I am not perfect and my next decisions will determine how I successfully move forward. What stressors are causing me to think this way?
As I write to you today, I have received many comments about how you are thinking the same types of things. What stressors can you better control or react to in a different way?
We all live our resiliency every day, but I feel it takes a bit of extra reflection to make sure our resiliency in highly stressful times stays at least on an even keel. As I try to do, I suggest you reflect on what goals and values are truly important to you. Is it work? Is it your personal life? Is it both? Reflecting on this will help you better handle the stress and good times in your life.
To be successful at long-term resiliency, I have found you need to truly understand what’s vitally important to your on-going needs. For me, I absolutely want to be successful in resiliency speaking and writing business. But in need to manage my inevitable stress to help me see clearly as I talk worldwide.
Life has been extremely challenging for many of us during this Great Recession. Nerves have become frayed, some dreams have been put on hold, and personal relationships have sometimes taken back seat because of the unabridged stress we have found in these uncertain times.
I am definitely not an idealist, but I have come to realize that 24-hour-day resiliency is not something you can take for granted in any way. Handling stress is so important to our overall well-being and confidence in ourselves. It’s all up to me – and you!
Take care, and I will talk with you next week…