By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net
What can you ultimately control in your life and career?
As I reflected on this question, I thought back to my early childhood. In the 1960s, I was a student at a very nice crippled school for children in Minneapolis – that’s what society called such schools back then.
I, of course, never worried about my resilience and how my life or career would blossom. I just wanted to be the first one on the playground after lunch. Michael Dowling School was one of the most progressive of the era – and today – and I could have stayed there throughout my early school years.
But my parents wanted me to reach my ultimate potential without having all the bumps in life softened. That’s why they transferred me into a normal school in the third grade. Although I have a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), they did not want me to overly dwell on its significance. While you may not have a disability, I’m sure your parents also wanted you to reach the heights of your talents just the same and be resilient in life.
As all of us reflect on the sometimes hairpin turns of our lives and careers, I have found there are only three things you can totally control in your life.
You may think at least one is your job. You are getting great performance reviews and have survived the seven rounds of layoff cycles at your company. It’s not. Or, it may be your overall career and work path in the next one, five, or 10 years. It’s not. Or, for sure, it has to be your family. You have a very successful marriage and 2.3 children who are not driving you too insane. It’s not.
As I was mainstreamed into a normal elementary school at age 10, there were only three things I could truly control – my attitude, my values and how I related to people. Of course, at the time, I was too young to understand these phrases. I did realize – as all of us should in our daily and work lives today – that I had to adapt to sometimes unforeseen circumstances I could not always fully control.
Look at yourself today: Can you ultimately control how your boss reacts to an assignment you just completed? Do you have total control of how your work reports spend their time? Can you have a meaningful conversation with your 16-year-old drama queen or king teenager? The first two questions are most likely “no’s”. The third question – I have found through experience with my very nice, yet drama-prone 15-year-old daughter – the third question is a definite maybe…
I began to learn the resilient strategies of adaptability, staying in control, perseverance, persistence and patience (to name a few) when I was mainstreamed. While not knowing it at the time, these strategies helped me survive through occasionally painful instances in school and signature times in my work career.
All of us have examples of challenging moments in our lives and careers. Ones we’d like to forget, but those that force us to use our resilient strategies to make it through layoffs, a relationship ending or that momentous conversation with your drama queen teenager.
How can you learn from your past experiences to enhance your resilience today, and navigate through the currents of life and career?
While many of you may have more challenging life examples than mine, being moved into a normal school at an early age ultimately helped me with my life and career resilience today. (I have now overcome a layoff and have very humbly become successful and own resiliency speaking business.
My early life taught me key lessons. I was 10 years old in 1969 and was escorted to my classroom on the first day of third grade. All the other kids were in the gym listening to the Principal welcoming them to the new school year.
The kids finally came to the classroom and the first one said after seeing me seated at my desk: “Why are you here…are you some sissy who can’t get to the gym?” Well, after a few minutes, the teacher asked me to walk up to the front of the room to introduce myself. Everyone laughed and said, ”Why do you walk so funny?”
That night was the first of many that I cried myself to sleep because I did not understand what was wrong with me and why the kids were being so mean. While my parents were extremely loving and supportive, this brought me to the “Naked Truth.” A reality – a signature moment – that would have a profound affect on my entire life.
Even though I was so young, I remember thinking that I was not going to let the constant teasing ruin my life.
Fast-forward a few years: As any teen, my hormones were raging when I was 15. I liked a lot of girls, and a few actually liked me. I went out with this particularly pretty girl to a movie that I don’t remember – my whole focus was nowhere close to the movie screen…
Everything was going great until an older boy came up to me in the bathroom after the movie and said: ”You have no right to be out with this girl, you should only stick with your crippled friends.” She just feels sorry for you…you’ll never have a real girlfriend.”
Another student also told me that I would never date and marry except “with my own kind.”
Talk about devastating. I didn’t date another girl for more than a year until I got past the hurt: Yes, you have a difference but there are many wonderful girls that see more than just your challenges.
I now have been married more than 25 years to a beautiful able-bodied woman, and we have that terrific 15-year-old drama queen daughter I have talked about, two dachshund dogs and a guinea pig. A terrific life…
This from a guy who was close to not making it out of the incubator because of a series of complications after being born. Resilience is a blessing!
One last personal example: Another high-schooler told me that I should not take any advanced classes because “my kind” only works at menial jobs suited for them. As I have moved on in my career as a corporate communications executive and resiliency speaker/writer, I have very, very humbly been extremely successful.
The point of these stories – and one all of us can learn from – is reaching your ultimate potential in life and career is not just about talent, hard work and a possible lucky break or two. It is understanding what you can control, and being more adaptable, preserving, persistent, patient, and not dwelling on the inevitable negatives sprinkled through our lives.
My parents allowed me to reach for the stars – even today as I speak to great folks like you worldwide about resiliency. I hope you understand your control triggers, and use the resilient strategies I have mentioned. They will help you to continue successfully working through your own life and career ups and downs.
Thanks, again, for your consistent support of my blog. Please let me know if you’d like me to write about other aspects of resiliency that all of us commonly share.