By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net
All of us have been there. We did not get that job we have been pursuing for months. Our boss does not fully appreciate the concept of work/life balance as you ask for some time off. A family issue has taken an unexpected turn requiring more time than you expect. Or, we are having one of those low confidence, not-believing-in-ourselves type of days.
Yes, life does happen and not always the exact way you expect. One of the main differences of those of you who successfully get through such daily challenges and many of us that let such events get to us is a realization of what’s within your total control.
Even a resilient guy like me – with ramping up my resiliency speaking/consulting business worldwide and successfully adapting to a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) – sometimes believes I can control more than I can. While I have been humbly very resilient and successful in my career and life, I want to use my talents to be control of everything I do on a daily basis.
Like you may do, I become impatient with myself if something does not go my way that I feel I can control. But these moments are times when I am probably in situations that are not totally within my control – like wanting my teenage drama queen daughter to do something but she does not. Or, realizing I can’t control my aging body without now needing a cane at certain points.
And I think that’s the lesson I always have to remember, and one you may want to think about the next time an action personally or professionally does not go exactly your way.
A study showed that more than 95 percent of our professional or personal actions are not in total control by us. We think so. We want them to be. And when they are not, it can cause us to lose a bit of our resilience that day. If we let these perpetuate, they can cause us to truly beat ourselves up unnecessarily.
Since we are human, all of us always try to control more actions than we can, but I have found that there are really only three things you can truly control in our lives.
They are:
Attitude - How do you deal with situations that don’t go quite as you expect? Do you get too down when your daughter/son does not fully listen to you, or you are find no luck with companies despite sending out 100 job applications, or you feel like that life right now is not given you an even break?
It’s not easy to always stay resilient, but if you let your attitude about your life and career peak and dive like a roller coaster, your world could go spiraling downward at times. I could, for example, let my physical disability get the better of me – especially now that I am 50 and my body is breaking down a bit. But I try to keep my attitude at least on an even plane by understanding how lucky I am to be able to walk and live a great life.
How is your attitude when life actions don’t go quite your way, or you feel unnecessarily burdened by trying to understand the “fairness” of life?
I bet if you step back a bit from life’s everyday challenges, your attitude about yourself will increase because you will then see how cool you really are. And those around you would notice your gleam!
Values - Do you value yourself? The people around you? Sounds so basic, but these type of values will determine how you are seen in this world. This is something that you can ultimately control.
What values are you teaching your children? How are you being an example to them and others. Again, such values are within your total control…
How do you relate to others – In today’s resilient world, this is becoming even more critical. Nearly everyone’s success these days is tied to establishing productive relationships. Just think about the work front: A recent survey showed that nearly 90 percent of jobs are found – not by just filling out applications – but by networking and getting to know people.
The success of my worldwide resiliency business is directly because of networking and the business relationships I successfully make. How am I being seen, how do I connect with others? This is all within my control.
Do you think about how you are relating to people professionally and personally? I contend this is one of the most important reasons some good folks like you are staying successful in these very crazy and tragic economic times.
Over the next week, I suggest you look at your attitude, your values and how you relate to people. Understanding where you are with all three can help determine where to turn on a road that may be a little less bumpy. As I sometimes have to rethink my life, it will also provide you the right track to stay in control of actions important to you and stop beating yourself up.
Such reflection has been a very health exercise for me, and I know it can be the same for you…
Until next week, I hope you are staying resilient!