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By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com
Toddlers and babies smile as much as 400 times a day…
Sometimes tragically, being bullied in school or at work can take your smile and life away – very sadly sometimes literally in today’s world.
The heart-wrenching stories you see in the news of those particularly being bullied at school remind me of darker days in my life when kids tried to exert power and control by telling me how funny I walked, that I should go back where I came from and that I don’t belong with “normal” people like them. Or, that I should not date an able-bodied high school girl and stick with my own kind, or even being told by a classmate not to take advanced high school because my kind only does menial work anyway.
We’ve all been teased in our lives, but when I now see kids committing suicide and other kids being charged for their hate – or at least non-understanding – I have to hang my head in shame. Not much has changed since I went to school in the late 60s and early 70s, except access has even increased through the Internet. We find kids being emotionally and physically bullied, online, in school, on the playground and most everywhere else in society.
In painting such a disturbing picture, there is a lot of hope for kids who can maneuver through those sometimes very hurtful mind fields. Whether it is someone not the prettiest or most handsome, those who get teased and bullied because of their weight, others having to dodge the pitiful “hate mail” associated with sexual orientation, or someone like me who has a noticeable physical disability (Cerebral Palsy). The never-ending list can go on and you can fill in other unique examples.
And we all ask, “Why?”
Is it because all these kids are jerks? Of course not. Is it because society teaches us to prey on those with differences? Probably not. Is it because kids get “carefully taught” by their parents or relatives to not associate with those different from them? Possibly so. Is it because there is no ongoing societal value to truly treat people as you want to be treated? More than likely yes. Or, is it overtly or sublimely taught through the actions of others that achieving power and control is the best and easiest way to garner some undefined satisfaction/advantage with others. Absolutely yes.
As I was cornered in that movie bathroom, the real message I got from that upper classmate was he wanted to exert some power and control over me separate from his “don’t date this girl” phrase. If you let them have this power over you, it’s sometimes a very lonely/scary path to try to walk through.
I never let this happen. I am no Ghandi or anything but I confidently stood up for myself in such situations and never let them feel like they had the upper hand. Folks might ask, “Didn’t they push you around?” NO. My attitude since I was 9 was that I was going to stand up for myself…CONFIDENTLY. Once bullies see that they have not achieved that power and control over you, they move on to the next unfortunate person.
Although I was never physically bullied, this type of emotional bullying takes it toll. I definitely had my wonderful parents support, but such bullying did not reduce the hurt many nights when I was nine, 10, 11 or 12 crying myelf to sleep some nights.
For some, the emotional and/or physical abuse tragically becomes too great. I was scared many times but I was not going to let a couple classmates win. I needed to stay strong for myself even though my physical disability did not let me blend in with the crowd
Sadly, such emotional abuse does not end for some when they get out of school. While I have rarely experienced it, bullying at work takes the shape of intimidation and manipulation – the two main components of power and control.
A friend told me once of a boss he had who used intimidation techniques to try to get more output from his staff. He would ridicule staff in meetings and belittle them in front of others. The idea: The more scared they became the harder they’d work for their job survival. For some of you, that probably sounds familiar. The boss was probably a bullier from way back to his school days where he had some success with it.
The folly is that you might get short-term employee results but over time a number of things will happen: Employees productivity will nose dive because of the unbearable stress, they may see through the manipulation, find ways to tune out the flack, or find a better place to work. None of these are good news for the boss or his company!
So, the next time you see someone trying to exert power and control over you unfairly, please just don’t submit. Whether at school or at work, your life is too important for others to define it. Whether you think it or not, you have the ultimate power and control to shape your destiny as you define it.
While I have made many, many life mistakes, proactively dealing with bullying has not one of them. You can also join this resilient journey for yourself, if you only believe…
And then, we can start smiling again!
Stay resilient, my friends and look for my newest resiliency e-book coming out this week on my site!!!
Photo By: by leviandrachel
By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resdiliencyfirst.com
I read an article recently that suggested “we” rarely give ourselves enough credit for anything.
Who are we? Possibly an exasperated Mother who does not think her teenage daughter listens to anything, but then writes a Mother’s Day card saying, “Although we argue a lot, I think you’re great Mom.” Or, an overworked co-worker who seems to always put himself down at work, but then receives a sincere public thank you from a supervisor at a staff meeting for a job well done. Or, even you not able to complete the last To Do item for the weekend, but your spouse giving you a smile and gentle kiss thanking you for your work anyway.
All of us are resilient 24 hours a day. In saying this, there are moments in my life that I’ve just wanted to bury my head on a particular day, cruise off to a south sea island and not worry about the every day craziness of life. Always thinking, “It’s a lovely day not today but surely tomorrow.”
This is when my inner resilience voice has spoken very softly but firmly saying: “Steve, it’s unhealthy to think this way because you may say the same thing tomorrow, the next day, on and on, and never have a lovely day. A resilient life is trying to see nearly every day as lovely instead of picking out the moments that make us think that it has to be tomorrow – for sure.
I think it boils down to the whole resiliency question: Do we really expect a lovely day, or are we satisfied to be in a holding pattern and stuck in the “mud” we build up around us?
This leads the real question all of us must answer to consistently feel happy, resilient and that life is a lovely day. Are you being good, gentle and realistic with ourselves, or are we letting life consume us?
Each of us, of course, has a different and unique answer.
As you think through your life actions, I’m sure you agree that sometimes being good to yourself is the hardest accomplishment.
When I literally trip and fall because my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) has made my back seize up, this is when I need to use my inner courage to dust myself off, move forward and continue to have that lovely day. When I have not been as patient with someone (including myself) as I should be, I have to remember how lucky I am to have such great friends and colleagues at my side. When I have disappointed myself because I did not properly gauge the best course of action, I have to remember that I am not perfect and my next decisions will determine how I successfully move forward.
As I write to you today, I have received many comments about how you are thinking the same types of things. Are we good people to ourselves and others, will our kids grow up with the societal values that will help them succeed, will we accomplish our dreams to be differentiator at work, etc., etc. Such questions are at the resilient core of what all of us should be focusing in life.
We all live our resiliency every day, but I feel it takes a bit of extra reflection to make sure our resilience in highly stressful times stays at least on an even keel. Finding the “lovely day” is within all of us, but ometimes it is a delicate balance. As I try to do, I suggest you reflect on what goals and values are truly important to you. Is it work? Is it your personal life? Is it both?
Life has been extremely challenging for many of us during this Great Recession. Nerves have become frayed, some dreams have been put on hold, and personal relationships have sometimes taken back seat because of the unabridged stress we have found in these uncertain times.
But challenges like these should not be an excuse, which I have many times in my life.
I am definitely not an idealist, but I have come to realize that 24-hour-day resiliency is not something you can take for granted in any way. A “lovely day” is what we make for ourselves each moment. In a vast majority of times, we can control how we react to a day – seeing the glass half empty or full.
Not many of us will be remembered for our profession in life. Instead, folks will most likely remember us for who we were as individuals. Were we nearly always looking “half empty” and never truly believing that there will not be a truly lovely day today, tomorrow or ever?
I think most of us strive for being more than half full…and giving ourselves deserved credit.
The next time you have one of those unimaginably hard days, please think about all those folks on your side ready to help, comfort and get you through until life’s magical moments roll your way again.
Then you will see, well, that your lovely, resilient day is already here.
Take care, and I will talk with you next week…
Photo By: Chris H#
By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com
Many of us look at life as a glass half full or a glass half empty. An article I read once persuasively made the case that most of us – especially as we get older – tend to see the half empty cup instead of the alternative. Some of the “hits” we have taken in our careers, our personal relationships and the way we see ourselves have sometimes taken a burdensome toll on our confidence to always see our lives resiliently.
As you may in your unique circumstances, I sometimes fall into that half empty category because I am worrying about many things: Will I be able to walk when I celebrate my 60th birthday nine years from now? Or, will all my hard work continue to help me make a fair living from my worldwide resiliency writing and speaking business? Or, will my 16-year-old daughter have the same wonderful opportunities to pursue her adult dreams as my wife and I did? Or, or, or… You can fill in your own life blanks.
On a scale of one to 10 (with 10 being the highest), you might have those eight or nine-type days where your worries overtake all the good and meaningful actions you do for your family, friends, your employer and, especially, yourself. We’ve all been there and not much can change those particular moments in time.
I have found the key in making sure these (sometimes) daily moments don’t turn into weeks, months and years of chronic worrying is to find someone that can help keep you stay grounded and on a level plane most of the time. Who is that someone in your life to help you through those painfully worrying moments inevitable in life?
Resiliently speaking, my “rocks” are the two women in my life: My wonderful wife of nearly 30 years and my truly inspiring mother. Especially since Mother’s Day was Sunday, I want to focus particularly on my awesome mother. Who, again, helps you through those worrying times?
Being the sensitive, sometimes mushy guy that I am, I can go off the worrying cliff at a drop of a hat. I usually manage it very well, but there are times…
When those moments happen, my 82-year-old mother has made such a difference in my life. Who, again, in your life…
Firstly, just a bit about her. She was married to my dad for more than 50 years until his death 10 years ago. She has worked at the same company for 64 years though she could easily just retire and move to Hawaii. Everyone I’ve talked to at the worldwide corporation loves her, and values her extremely positive attitude and cheery outlook on life. She is an extremely strong, trailblazing and resilient woman who will not let life overrun her.
She helped my very dear car salesman dad, who was this big, gruff, gentle and sensitive guy, get through some challenging life moments. So, on those days when her son with his dad’s personality and demeanor, gets into one of those worrying funks, she resiliently shakes him up a bit and basically asks the question: What is the use of worrying?
She reminds me that nearly 95 percent of the actions I (and really all of us) worry about are not totally within my control. Managing expectations is usually key to her central message of getting through the worries. Her strong, no-nonsense way allows me to step back and see if my worrying is justified or even within my control. Sounds simple but just knowing that she is still there in such a caring way makes all the difference. While I know she won’t be living forever, her life approach has changed me for the better. (I also have a terrific wife whose personality is a mirror image of my mother’s.)
But more critical for you: Who in your life makes the difference helping stabilize the worrying that all of us can experience? Finding or allowing another person to help counsel you can sometimes significantly reduce the average number on your own worrying scale. I am testament to that…
Where do you see your typical worrying scale average right now and what number would you like to maintain for your health and happiness? Understanding this can make the difference between living life to your resilient fullest or or sometimes unnecessarily going up and down the worrying scale.
Where do you rank again?
I look forward to your continued readership, and would appreciate having you purchase my first e-book that should be on this site later this week!
By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com
Fear of change, focusing on past failures, all or nothing thinking, fear of the unknown, fear you don’t have the capabilities or skill sets needed, or not sure if your confidence will hold up if unexpected obstacles get in the way.
There are a lot of complexities in our lives and careers that sometimes make us wonder: Can we overcome and stay resilient not just in the good times all of us have?
The answer, of course, is absolutely yes. But, excruciatingly sometimes, it’s definitely not easy…
It would be fantastic if all our actions went precisely as planned like the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in England. Every aspect of the magnificent day went as planned – even the sun coming out as the royal married couple walked out of Westminster Abbey for the first time.
It was a fabulous spectacle but one that had been planned by hundreds of people to get it just right.
Unfortunately, our normal lives are not that way and most of us do not have hundreds taking care of every life/career detail.
That’s why, I think, we need to focus on what we see as important and not always worry that the last flower is blooming exactly at the perfect moment.
This, of course, would not have worked for the royal wedding planning but it can for us.
Trying to avoid sweating such small stuff has always been a stumbling block for me in my life and career.
How about you?
My resilience sometimes gets sidetracked when I worry about every little thing. When I do this, it sometimes derails my resiliency effectiveness in more important matters at home, work, or with friends.
All of us want total control of our lives. But sweating most of the small stuff ultimately allows us even less control of outcomes within our reach.
An example for me is when my highly organized lifestyle gets in the way of my success. When I see co-workers, friends or family not as organized and precise, I feel nervous and want to intercede.
Take my daughter ‘s not-so-organized (O.K., a bit messy) bedroom, activity room and bathroom. I want to run in and straighten and clean everything up on a daily basis.
The problem: She would see me as too fussy at the very least, or down right weird/intruding at the extreme. She’s a good kid and, in the relative scheme of things, my daughter’s organizational habits are the small stuff I am talking about.
What I have done to keep my resilience on a more even keel (and not challenge my daughter-dad relationship too much) is define a couple basic rules for my 16-year old. She’s a really good kid overall, but she must straighten and clean her rooms once a week with an ultimate visit from me.
I want to straighten it every day but that is a small thing I am trying very hard to avoid.
After cleaning, her rooms by no means are exactly the way I want them. But, unlike the royal wedding, her actions are not viewed and judged by the world. A set allowance and other privileges are only in the balance if she does not take such rules seriously.
It has mostly worked well, and not worrying too much has allowed me to concentrate on more important ” bigger stuff” in my life. Now, I just have to stop power dusting my classic 2008 GT Mustang every five minutes – well, maybe every ten minutes. I’ll let you know if I can get past that one…
Please think of a “small sweat stuff item” you’d not like to worry about less in your life – or career. And remember, you are just one person so if things don’t always go perfectly – which, of course, was required on the William and Kate day – it’s truly not the end of the world.
Still, I suggest you develop one or two strategies on how to effectively handle that small item. This ultimately might make your world more rewarding and just a bit less stressful. Please let me know how you come out.
I hope the new royal couple are as grounded as they seem to appear and also don’t worry about every little small thing. Until next week, thanks again for your terrific resilient support!
Photo By: JORNAL BRASILEIROS GRATU
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