You are here: Home / 2011 / Archives for October 2011

Patience Allows Your World To Be More Rewarding And Less Stressful

October 24, 2011

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency beseke1@earthlink.net steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com (Check out my new resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

 Being patient and gentle with yourself and others is sometimes one of the hardest actions to accomplish. You, of course, know that having the right amount of patience will ultimately make your life more rewarding and less stressful. But you want to get something done now or change someone’s views this instant – not in two days, two weeks or two years. So what is the right amount? 

We have all been there at some points in our lives and at work. You may have blown up at your supervisor after he/she said you are doing fabulous work, but then only gives you a very small pay increase. It probably would have been better to take a deep breath, sleep on it and schedule a separate meeting to discuss your concerns after that.

If we all had hindsight, life would be perfect and everyone would understand the need for applying their resilience. Like that is gong to fully happen any time soon.:)

I’ve been so fortunate and grateful to be viewed by millions of you worldwide through my web site, You Tube and so many other sources. But I’ve run into one or two that think resiliency is a bunch of hooey and it surely does not affect their lives “no way, no how.” 

This is where I have to use one of my resiliency tools I expound to you. That is, yes, my patience.

As you may have confronted your boss at the wrong time or have tried to have a meaningful conversation with your teenager most any time, applying patience is the hardest of my resilient strategies to use consistently.

The key I hope you remember is realizing what you can control and what you can’t – and staying calm. I don’t always do this patience quotient very well.

An example: A friend of mine told me fairly recently that she doesn’t need to think resiliently and doesn’t have any use for readings or listening to anything dealing with resilience.  Friends can talk bluntly like that. “I have it all together,” she said. “I just don’t think about bad things and they don’t affect me in the least,” she also told me. 

No, this very nice lady does not live on Mars, and she is never in a hallucinatory state. You probably know a few of those who think being resilient (adaptable, perseverant, persistent and patient – to name just a few life strategies) is not really that important as long they continue with their set glide path in life.

 Resiliency is not really important, they say, as long as you stick to the grindstone and stay focused on how to get what you want.

And the sun rises in the west and sets in the north…                                                                                                           

I just got steamed with my friend. Not so much outwardly at her, but really at myself because I did not think I was doing a resiliently good job at my craft. If I could not convince a friend, what about others? Was I starting to lose my resilient touch with good folks like you worldwide? 

I initially tried to change my friend’s opinions on resilience, but my suggestions just kept bouncing back as if there was a Teflon shield surrounding her.

I rarely show my anger to the world, but I was beating myself up inside. Why couldn’t I convince my friend about the importance of her resilience that she – I guess unknowingly to her – uses nearly every single moment of every day?

 Then, one of you helped me through this “crisis of resilient thought.” In talking about a completely different subject, he thanked me for an article I wrote about not worrying too much about things and people who are not totally within our control. 

While I was losing patience big time with my friend, especially internally, I forgot my control emotional-intelligence module. Big words to say there are only three things you totally can control in life or at work: your attitude, your values and how you relate to people. 

I was not relating so well, and my (lack of) patience was driving me nuts with my friend. My lack of patience was clouding what I truly could control.

 This is when being patient and gentle with each of us is probably the hardest – especially when challenges happen or things don’t quite go our way. 

I re-thought the situation, and it helped a lot…

In your life:

 You’ve just been laid off and wonder where the money will come from to pay the bills, keep your house and pay for your son’s birthday party coming up soon. Or, your current job is just driving you bananas and you don’t know where to turn.

In these circumstances, being patient to find your next great job or taking more control of your current position can be very hard.  As it was reaffirmed with my friend, there’s nothing fun about such “uncontrollable” situations, and you just want to hurry to find your “sweet spot” in life.

As I did, please think about this for a moment or two:

We usually react wonderfully to favorable times in our lives. Our true grit, however, is shown in how we deal with the professional and personal challenges all of us sometimes face.

All of us go through our unique career and personal hardships. The key to getting over the “mountain” is to learn most of all how to be patient with yourself.

That’s why I’d suggest remembering my resiliency control module to find ways to worry less about those people or inevitable actions that are not within your total control. There are so many more than you think.

As I have, you can save a few premature gray hairs and wrinkles when you find ways to stay patient and gentle – especially with yourself.

Patience is understanding all of us get knocked down in our personal or professional lives in one way or another. As I found with my friend, I can’t allows change people’s opinions. But I can plant a resilient seed that may eventually sprout in her life.

A step for you: There are probably 10 things on our plates that we may need to be more patient or gentle with. I don’t ask you to try to improve being patient with all of them. I recommend focusing on one life action or person who you may want to be more patient.

Patience, as well as being persistent and perseverant, can make all the difference to your life and work effectiveness/happiness. Give just a bit more and patiently try…

I’d love to hear more of your comments. Your discussions worldwide have helped keep my resiliency articles/conversations not from just one person’s view. Until next week…thanks for being a avid reader of my resiliency articles and buying my e-books!

Photo By:  *Kelso*

Bullies Inside Our Minds Can Be Even More Damaging Than A Punch In The Nose

October 16, 2011

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com (Check out my newest resiliency books on my web site at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

The pervasive and very saddening stories worldwide about bullying in schools/workplaces keep receiving very necessary attention in the media and from so many of us who have endured such treatment in our lives.

The “bullies” inside us, though, can sometimes be more challenging for any of us than hurtful words by others or even a punch in the nose. You know the internal demons I am talking about…negative thoughts about yourself that keep appearing every so often throughout your lives. That you are not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not skilled enough, not deserving enough or just not “enough” of something.

Don’t get me wrong: External emotional and/or physical bullying by others can have profound effects – especially when you are young. A young person can unfortunately succumb to such outside challenges in heart-wrenching ways.

I’ve written significantly on this topic and have made presentations to help kids and others understand how they can take back the power and control bullies live for. Please contact me at 651-341-9826 if you’d like me to do a webinar, podcast or in-person presentation on my bullying perspectives. 

I cried myself to sleep many times when I was young 40+ years ago after being laughed at by classmates because of my lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) and called a lot of terrible names in elementary school and beyond.

-       Being told to go back where I came from and I don’t belong.

-       Being told I walked so funny the first day I attended a normal elementary school in third grade.

-       Being pelted with spitballs after a basketball game in junior high.

-       Being told by a classmate not to date a particularly beautiful high school girl and stick with your own kind.

-       Being ridiculed by a classmate for taking advanced classes in high school because “your kind” only does menial work     anyway.

This piece is about our internal bullies and demons, but external bullying can hurt – a lot.  All I wanted to do was belong like any other kid. But I sometimes-painfully got through it, became tougher because of it, and used such resilience to be very successful in my career and life. Your children will find a way to overcome, persist and persevere, too. More on that in another article /presentation I will be doing soon.

Fighting your internal bullies/demons of your self-worth, confidence and consistent belief can be just as if not more challenging for nearly every one of us – whether physically disabled like me or not. Each of us has them and your station in life does not matter. You can be the CEO of one of the top Fortune 500 companies or someone humbly like me.

You can fill in your own unique internal bullies, but one of mine right now is sometimes bringing me to my knees – literally. That is my physical disability. I’m moving toward my mid-50s and my body is literally breaking down because of just getting older like anyone and the physical challenges that have always been there but controlled.

My mind and brain have been fighting each other lately. My resiliency/emotional intelligence has been severely tested over the last two years since my walking has deteriorated. My brain knows I need aids (like a cane), but my mind says I just need to adapt like I always have to overcome these more increased challenges. I have never needed physical aides or other help in the past my mind reminds me. 

They have gone through quite a knock down drag out while my physical disability bully just smiles and adds bulging discs, lower back arthritis and sacroiliac joint deterioration to the list of my life obstacles. Both my brain and mind want me to be as independent as possible – with my brain seeing I now need aides but my mind reluctant to think so.

During this battle, I’ve had to deal with loss of confidence and belief because I sometimes allow that internal bully to wrest control of myself…well, away from myself. 

In your own way, you’ve had to wrestle with unique life challenges within yourself, too. Just think for a moment about one or two of them…

When I was young, I truly kept my physical disability at bay because I did not generally allow myself to think I was disabled – despite the teasing. I lettered in high school tennis and became humbly a terrific golfer because I left my disability at the clubhouse.

 So my mind has always believed I just need to better adapt to situations to keep the disability out of my sight for the most part. I travelled worldwide with my able-bodied wife (of now nearly 30 years) to such places as Egypt, China, Greece and other European countries. My disability was rarely a factor… 

But, then, age has come into play. Doctors say I look like an 80 year old in certain inside parts. With my disability gleeful over the last two years, I’ve had to sit myself down for a “heart to heart” with myself.

How could I use my resilient strategies I talk with you about to overcome? Such strategies as adaptability, perseverance, persistent, patience, not dwelling on negatives, finding common ground and using my strengths.

As you may have gone through with your internal struggles, it was/and is not a leisurely walk in the park. To stop me from falling literally and figuratively, my brain and mind finally came to an agreement. My CP did not like this as it remembers me going to the emergency room after a particularly bad fall hitting my head on a marble floor a couple years back.

I’ve had to take being adaptive to an entirely different level internally, and realize that a cane or a motorized scooter for longer walks was a way to stop my disability from controlling my life recently. Sounds like a no-brainer, but just think about your internal bullies and how you may not be dealing effectively with them still. The emotions that come with such life changes can be the key to moving forward or just “spinning.”

I want to stay independent and keep my internal bully at arm’s length for many years to come. My mind and brain are now in unison…

The real question is: How will you be dealing with those internal bullies that keep rearing their ugly head to destroy how you feel about yourself and the painful emotions that come with it? Your ongoing happiness and self-worth may depend on the answer.

I’d suggest having that “heart to heart” with yourself and use your resilience to lock up those bullies into compartments of the brain that offer your best chance to consistently overcome. And see sunshine coming up from the horizon.

While I still have occasional moments, my “plan” is working for me consistently now.

I always enjoy hearing your many comments and look forward to talking worldwide with you again. Thanks for enriching my life with your connections, and making my web site and conversations a true blessing!

Loch Ness Monster and Our Self-Confidence Revisited…

October 9, 2011

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com (Check out my new resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

 I have received many requests to republish my resiliency and confidence article featuring the Loch Ness monster – with a few updates. The “what,” you say? You know that monster that is really hard to find, is sighted occasionally but then disappears into the depths of the loch’s abyss.

That is, like our confidence in ourselves some days. You have it for a moment or two, then someone says something or an event happens that allows it to scurry away back to an undisclosed region of our brain

Maintaining confidence, as you have probably experienced, is not a slam-dunk 24/7. All of us have our days where confidence is about as easy to find as that famous Loch Ness monster. You search for it, but all you can find is doubt and uncertainty. Why? You are doing all the things as the day before when your day was on the right track and having a smooth ride.

For me, it’s not because I lack the initiative, skills or drive to be successful every day. But sometimes I think I have to be up all the time even when something has not gone right that day — A client has been challenging, I am finding it hard to stay focused on my career, I had one of those drama queen-type of conversations with my teenage daughter. You know how it goes…

 In my nearly 30-year work career, I’ve had countless successes and a few challenges along the way. When I’ve had challenges with my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), career and/or life, I have found the most important key is to have trust in myself. This unyielding confidence to successfully pull through any situation has been important for me.

Maintaining a baseline of confidence in good and not so good times is THE most important resiliency/adaptability factor that allows me to continue my work and life everyday.

Now that I am nearly 52, life has had its moments where I’ve wanted to shut the world out because I’ve momentarily lacked the confidence in myself. This may have been because I had just tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and fallen. (My balance is sometimes affected by my physical disability.) Or, I just had a conversation with my daughter that I knew could have gone better. Or, I am not sure how I am going to sustain my resilient attitude most days.

All of us have resilient issues – great and small – we face everyday. They can truly affect the confidence in ourselves. To help maintain resilience, I have highlighted a few of my successful confidence strategies that you may want to apply to your everyday needs.

I’d suggest you think about the following, and try at least one strategy this week to help stay resilient and confident. Because remember: Your most important asset is you.

- Finding one positive about yourself each day. Every day, I try to find at least one thing I did very well the previous day. This may be helping a colleague network to find a better job, knowing I treated my daughter fairly in a conversation about improving her grades, or (simply) that I exercised and liked the way my body reacted.

What is one simple or complex action yesterday that you felt confident about in your life?

- Stop sweating. I try to avoid sweating the daily small stuff that may lead me to lose a bit of confidence in myself. Whether that may be not worrying I am a couple minutes late for a meeting because I hurt my back getting out of the car, not getting one of my Top Five list of things done I promised myself, or forgetting to pet my wonderful dogs as I leave for work.

What small stuff will you try to avoid to keep your confidence on the right level each day?

Liking Yourself. I am the first one to admit that I don’t always like myself every minute of every day. I make mistakes I regret, I don’t always see possibilities when they are in front of my face, or I am just having a bad hair day.

No matter what happens, though, I always remember what is truly important in my life – loving my beautiful wife, teaching my wonderful daughter the values she will carry throughout her life, or talking with the great friends I have had for so many years. Such examples are keys to being happy with myself and successfully getting past certain times where I don’t always see myself in the best light.

What do you like about yourself? 

Over the next week, I suggest thinking through such questions, and trying to maintain the right amount of confidence in all parts of your life. There will always be days where your confidence wanes and your resiliency hides out in Loch Ness. But just remember the love and emotional value of your family and friends, and the good that you do at work and throughout your life. You are such a good person! 

A famous philosopher once said: “Maintaining one’s confidence is ultimately the gift of liking yourself no matter what external factors or internal demons get in the way.”

Thanks, again, for continuing to support my resiliency messages. I have now received comments from every continent – except Antarctica. I’m still holding out hope that a scientist or penguin is tuning into my site.:~)