By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com (Check out my newest resiliency books on my web site at www.resiliencyfirst.com)
The pervasive and very saddening stories worldwide about bullying in schools/workplaces keep receiving very necessary attention in the media and from so many of us who have endured such treatment in our lives.
The “bullies” inside us, though, can sometimes be more challenging for any of us than hurtful words by others or even a punch in the nose. You know the internal demons I am talking about…negative thoughts about yourself that keep appearing every so often throughout your lives. That you are not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not skilled enough, not deserving enough or just not “enough” of something.
Don’t get me wrong: External emotional and/or physical bullying by others can have profound effects – especially when you are young. A young person can unfortunately succumb to such outside challenges in heart-wrenching ways.
I’ve written significantly on this topic and have made presentations to help kids and others understand how they can take back the power and control bullies live for. Please contact me at 651-341-9826 if you’d like me to do a webinar, podcast or in-person presentation on my bullying perspectives.
I cried myself to sleep many times when I was young 40+ years ago after being laughed at by classmates because of my lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) and called a lot of terrible names in elementary school and beyond.
- Being told to go back where I came from and I don’t belong.
- Being told I walked so funny the first day I attended a normal elementary school in third grade.
- Being pelted with spitballs after a basketball game in junior high.
- Being told by a classmate not to date a particularly beautiful high school girl and stick with your own kind.
- Being ridiculed by a classmate for taking advanced classes in high school because “your kind” only does menial work anyway.
This piece is about our internal bullies and demons, but external bullying can hurt – a lot. All I wanted to do was belong like any other kid. But I sometimes-painfully got through it, became tougher because of it, and used such resilience to be very successful in my career and life. Your children will find a way to overcome, persist and persevere, too. More on that in another article /presentation I will be doing soon.
Fighting your internal bullies/demons of your self-worth, confidence and consistent belief can be just as if not more challenging for nearly every one of us – whether physically disabled like me or not. Each of us has them and your station in life does not matter. You can be the CEO of one of the top Fortune 500 companies or someone humbly like me.
You can fill in your own unique internal bullies, but one of mine right now is sometimes bringing me to my knees – literally. That is my physical disability. I’m moving toward my mid-50s and my body is literally breaking down because of just getting older like anyone and the physical challenges that have always been there but controlled.
My mind and brain have been fighting each other lately. My resiliency/emotional intelligence has been severely tested over the last two years since my walking has deteriorated. My brain knows I need aids (like a cane), but my mind says I just need to adapt like I always have to overcome these more increased challenges. I have never needed physical aides or other help in the past my mind reminds me.
They have gone through quite a knock down drag out while my physical disability bully just smiles and adds bulging discs, lower back arthritis and sacroiliac joint deterioration to the list of my life obstacles. Both my brain and mind want me to be as independent as possible – with my brain seeing I now need aides but my mind reluctant to think so.
During this battle, I’ve had to deal with loss of confidence and belief because I sometimes allow that internal bully to wrest control of myself…well, away from myself.
In your own way, you’ve had to wrestle with unique life challenges within yourself, too. Just think for a moment about one or two of them…
When I was young, I truly kept my physical disability at bay because I did not generally allow myself to think I was disabled – despite the teasing. I lettered in high school tennis and became humbly a terrific golfer because I left my disability at the clubhouse.
So my mind has always believed I just need to better adapt to situations to keep the disability out of my sight for the most part. I travelled worldwide with my able-bodied wife (of now nearly 30 years) to such places as Egypt, China, Greece and other European countries. My disability was rarely a factor…
But, then, age has come into play. Doctors say I look like an 80 year old in certain inside parts. With my disability gleeful over the last two years, I’ve had to sit myself down for a “heart to heart” with myself.
How could I use my resilient strategies I talk with you about to overcome? Such strategies as adaptability, perseverance, persistent, patience, not dwelling on negatives, finding common ground and using my strengths.
As you may have gone through with your internal struggles, it was/and is not a leisurely walk in the park. To stop me from falling literally and figuratively, my brain and mind finally came to an agreement. My CP did not like this as it remembers me going to the emergency room after a particularly bad fall hitting my head on a marble floor a couple years back.
I’ve had to take being adaptive to an entirely different level internally, and realize that a cane or a motorized scooter for longer walks was a way to stop my disability from controlling my life recently. Sounds like a no-brainer, but just think about your internal bullies and how you may not be dealing effectively with them still. The emotions that come with such life changes can be the key to moving forward or just “spinning.”
I want to stay independent and keep my internal bully at arm’s length for many years to come. My mind and brain are now in unison…
The real question is: How will you be dealing with those internal bullies that keep rearing their ugly head to destroy how you feel about yourself and the painful emotions that come with it? Your ongoing happiness and self-worth may depend on the answer.
I’d suggest having that “heart to heart” with yourself and use your resilience to lock up those bullies into compartments of the brain that offer your best chance to consistently overcome. And see sunshine coming up from the horizon.
While I still have occasional moments, my “plan” is working for me consistently now.
I always enjoy hearing your many comments and look forward to talking worldwide with you again. Thanks for enriching my life with your connections, and making my web site and conversations a true blessing!