By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency at Lennick Aberman Group (Please register for my free resiliency strategies webinar on December 6 at www.resiliencyfirst.com).

Last week, I talked about what makes you thankful in your world. Thanks for so many terrific comments worldwide from Morocco to those of us in the US. Being thankful for family was a common heartfelt response, but also a couple of individuals were thankful for staying confident within their own skin during uncertain times. Understanding how to be happy with ourselves is at the core of any success we have – from being a good father or mother to making an absolute difference at work. 

As we get closer to 2013, I’d like to ask you this week, “Is being happy a lost art in our sometimes stressful world.” As I wrote in a resiliency article a number of years ago, I think happiness is all what you make it.

If our attitude focuses on the missteps and mistakes we make – and all of us go through them nearly every day – then true happiness could always be just slightly out of our reach. But if we say, “Yes, challenges happen but here is how I’m going to resiliently react to it,” then I think happiness is not some elusive dream in life or at work.

 All of us have our resilient challenges. Looking for the next great work adventure, trying to understand the logic of your boss, staying truly “in touch” with your spouse/significant other, or just trying to have a meaningful conversation with your teenage drama-laden daughter or son. The list can go on and on…

Instead of beating yourself up because you may gain a few pounds over the holidays, I think all of us need to ask ourselves the question: “What makes us happy in life?” If it is losing those pounds, that’s great for your health. Or, it might be trying to regain the confidence that has led you to being successful (as you define it) in your life.

For me, I’ve been at a “happiness crossroads” the last year. In addition to the rigors of keeping my resiliency programming at a cutting edge level and joining a terrific leadership excellence firm (Lennick Aberman Group), an old friend/enemy has reared its ugly head especially over the last six months or so. Ever had one of your “friends” pop up again? I don’t mean, of course, human friends. I mean some challenge you thought had been at least subdued that is back interfering with your life happiness. I talked last week about the spine operation I had this year, and won’t be talking specifically about this, except:

When you have challenges like this, and you can fill in your own unique story, it can severely compromised your inner-confidence and nearly your overall happiness. That is, if you let it…

I could have very easily succumb to the every-growing challenges of my disability caused by my aging body. But in doing this, I would be giving up on everything I have worked to resiliently achieve. I’d be resigned to a life none of us want. To be totally reliant on others, not believing in yourself anymore, and not being happy with the person inside your skin – as a couple of my worldwide fans said last week.

To relate, what might have caused you the same excruciating loss of independence – possibly losing a job, family health issues, etc.? All of us experience them in some way, and you by no means have to be physically challenged like me.

As you may have experienced with your unique challenges, my confidence has taken a nosedive at certain points in my life because of my physicality. But it always recovered and allowed me to pursue happiness. When I first learned I needed very serious spine surgery, I actually thought for the first time in life that I could not adapt successfully to my disability anymore. My personal happiness tanked and I asked myself: “What am I going to do for the rest of my life?”

The pain of not knowing what to do was nearly unbearable – that is, until my very beautiful able-bodied wife said the obvious: Your happiness is not just defined with how you see yourself physically. Simple words, but they really hit home – for the first time in my life.

After I thought through that statement for awhile, my attitude changed and I became much happy with myself. I realized I am much more than my physical self. And, guess what? My recovery went much faster after that, and I am back to nearly “Steve normal” again.

As you have to do with your life challenges, I had to develop a strategy, take life by the horns and stop pitying myself. Yeah!!!

I know the journey is not over and I might have setbacks, But my inner-confidence is building again.

Your confidence can, too, if you only find a way to continue “believing.” Your resilience can help you through challenging and good times…if you only let it.

An excerpt from my awhile back:

What about you?

A Harvard professor, Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD, also gave me – and all of us – some very interesting advice on happiness and resilience. Here’s a bit of info about him and his terrific work.

Happiness:

Recent scientific studies and scholarly research have reached some startling conclusions about what makes people happy. To help understand how you can use this information, Harvard lecturer and best-selling author Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. was interviewed recently.

Each semester, more than 800 Harvard students register for his life-changing class on positive psychology. Students explore the question, *How can we help ourselves and others to become happier? *The students read academic journal articles, test ideas, share personal stories and, by the end of the year, emerge with a clearer understanding of what psychology can teach us about leading happier, more fulfilling lives.

Is a person just “born happy” or “born unhappy”?

There is a genetic component to happiness. Some people are born with a happier disposition than others or with personality traits that are strong predictors of happiness, such as being sociable, active, stable and calm. However, that doesn’t mean how happy we feel is out of our control. Our genes define a range, not a set point. “Grumpy” may not be able to cultivate the same view of life that “Happy” enjoys. A natural-born whiner may not be able to transform himself/herself into a Pollyanna. But we all can become significantly happier. Most people fall far short of their happiness potential.

The doctor’s research suggests that money and success matter little in terms of happiness. *Yet wouldn’t most people be happier if they won $5 million or a Nobel Prize?”

This is a concept that his students and our society in general struggle with. Happiness largely depends on our state of mind, not on our status or the state of our bank account. It depends on what we choose to resiliently focus on (the full or the empty part of the glass) and on our interpretation of external events. For example, do we view failure as catastrophic, or do we see it as a learning opportunity?

One of the most common barriers to happiness is the false expectation that one thing — a promotion at work, a prize, a revelation — will bring us eternal bliss. As soon as you achieve your goal, the “what’s next” syndrome kicks in, leaving you as unfulfilled as before.

The doctor said when he was 16 years old, he won the Israeli National Squash Championship. He always believed that winning the sporting title would make me happy and alleviate the emptiness he felt so much of the time. Winning the championship was necessary for fulfillment. Fulfillment was necessary for happiness. That was the logic most of us operated under.

After a night of celebration, some go to their room to savor that feeling of supreme happiness, while others feel a sense of emptiness. They sit around trying to convince themselves that perhaps substituting a new goal — winning the World Championship — would finally lead them to happiness. The doctor: He was depressed.

What he failed to realize was that while a major “victory” can contribute to our well-being, at best, it forms only a small part of the mosaic of a happy life. The fairy-tale notion of happiness – that something will carry us to the happily ever after -inevitably leads to disappointment. A happy life is rarely shaped by some extraordinary life-changing event. Rather, it is shaped incrementally, experience by experience, moment by moment.

So what does make us happy?

We must first accept that this is it! All there is to life is the day-to-day, the ordinary, the details of the mosaic. We are living a happy life when we derive pleasure and meaning while spending time with our loved ones or learning something new.

The more our days are filled with these experiences, the happier we become. The other significant component of happiness is that helping ourselves and others are inextricably intertwined. The more we help others, the happier we become… and the happier we become, the more inclined we are to help others. Our nature is such that there are few more satisfying acts than sharing with others, than feeling that we contributed to the lives of others. Our happiness…

What else can people do to be happy?

There are several things you can start right away…

Simplify. We are too busy trying to squeeze more and more activities into less and less time. Quantity influences quality, and we compromise on our happiness by trying to do too much.

* Introduce rituals* into your life that are motivated by deeply held values. Think about what rituals would make you happier. It could be watching two movies a month or going on a date with your spouse every Tuesday. People are resistant to the idea of introducing ritualistic behavior in their lives because they think it will detract from spontaneity. But if you don’t ritualize activities you cherish, you often don’t get to them.

* Learn to appreciate and savor the wonderful things in life, rather than taking them for granted. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a daily gratitude journal. Each night, before you go to sleep, write down at least five things that made or make you happy that day. These can be little or big – from a meal you enjoyed to a meaningful conversation you had with a friend, from a project at work, to God.

* What if a person is going through a really hard time in his/her life — for example, disliking his job, but there’s nothing he can do about it right away? How can that person be happier? *

We all must endure periods, sometimes extended ones, in which much of what we do affords us minimal satisfaction. During those times, it’s important to see these periods with a broader perspective and find ways to imbue them with meaning. In a fascinating study of hospital janitors, one group experienced their work as boring and meaningless, but the other group perceived the same work as engaging and meaningful because they crafted their work in creative ways.

They interacted more with nurses and patients, and they saw their work not merely as removing the garbage and washing dirty linen but contributing to the patients’ well-being and the smooth functioning of the hospital. 

When changing your perception isn’t feasible or effective, I find that one or two happy experiences during an otherwise uninspiring period can transform our general state. These brief but transforming experiences, which the doctor calls “happiness boosters,” provide us with meaning and pleasure.

For example, let’s say you know a partner in a top consulting firm. Now in his 50s, he no longer enjoys consulting, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to leave his profession or give up the lifestyle that he and his family have grown accustomed to.

What he did: He was able to reduce his workload enough to spend two evenings each week with his family. He also plays tennis twice a week and reads for three hours. He joined the board of his former high school, where he feels he can contribute in a meaningful way to the next generation.

In an ideal world, he would be spending his working hours doing something he is passionate about, but he is still happier than he has been in a long time.

I, personally, don’t want to be spending time to try rehabbing myself to walk again without a cane or any other aid. When I can walk unaided, it makes my happiness and confidence soar. Again, independence as I define it – at last. But then my physical disability throws me a curve and my spinal disc/joint issues rear their ugly head. Where do I go from there? A walker or wheelchair?

You never know, I might need those one day when I am 92. But since I am 52, I am going to use all my resilience to overcome, and keep myself happy, walking and loving life.

I suggest you think the same way when inevitable life or work challenging impede your path.

The doctor and I highlighted our thoughts about happiness, but the important thing for you is:

What makes you the happiest as you go through your life’s twist and turns?

As I’ve tried to do, I’ve focused on ways to sustain my happiness physically, which will affect nearly all the other aspects of my life.

Again, what about you?

The way(s) you answer this will help determine your stress level adaptability and life moving forward.

Are you a person who looks at life as something half full or something half empty? Being happy does not have to be a lost art if you continue to apply your resilience…in all parts of your world.

Thanks, again, for your continued readership, and please join me in a FREE webinar I am doing on resilient strategies on December 6. Please register at my web site – www.resiliencyfirst.com. I look forward to talking with you then!

Photo By: Robert Rook Photography