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Overcoming Bullying Situations Begins With Finding Ways To Stand Up For Yourself

February 26, 2012

 By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Workplace Educator, Lennick Aberman Group (Please check out my newest resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com) 

Dealing with bullying – whether it is in school or the workplace – can be a very lonely journey. You or your child don’t always know who can be trusted to talk about it with, and if bringing it out in the open will make you or your child feel more vulnerable and victimized. Minds sometime go through a vicious cycle of fear, sadness, regret, anger and frustration. That is, if you let it… 

Bullying can also provide you or your child the toughness of overcoming obstacles you never thought each of you would have strength to tackle. It also can show a side of adaptability, perseverance, persistence, patience and resilience you or your child don’t consistently tap into and maintain.

 It may be a bully throwing your child up against gym lockers or cornering him/her in a school bathroom. Or, possibly someone saying mean and very hurtful comments for laughs to your kids. Or, maybe workplace bosses trying to use their power to manipulate, harass and bully you so they can feel more in charge. 

Each of us has our unique examples we have experienced, seen or heard about.

I was emotionally bullied relentlessly when I was in elementary school with periodic days of “pain” in junior high and high school.

Although I had the tremendous support of my parents, I was one of the first physically disabled children mainstreamed in the 1960s from a “crippled school for children” to a “normal” school in the suburbs. While most of the children were very good kids, when they saw the walking effects of my lifelong disability (Cerebral Palsy) they did not understand in the third grade.

As nine year olds, they resorted to laughing at me, and saying mean and hurtful things like, “You walk so funny and go back where you came from.” The hurtful comments went on and on…

I cried myself to sleep many nights thinking I just wanted to belong…that’s all. But even at age nine, my resilience began to take shape. While I did not know about the “resiliency” word, I did realize (even that young) kids were going to continue to make me feel intimidated unless I did something to show my strength.

 A Common Ground Moment – Potentially For All Of Us

Finding common ground is part of all our vocabularies. We can decide to act one way with a person or in a particular situation – or do it a different way.

The key for any of us centers entirely about the choices we make. And our success or failure – whether in our personal or professional lives – depends on how we react to situations good and bad.

Having a watershed moment when you are nine means that something significant is happening. As you may have at unique life moments, I wanted to feel I had control of my life. Even then, I felt that my power to control myself was being taken away by the laughs, enduring hurtful comments, ignoring me in social situations, etc., etc.

I could have kept wilting like a spent flower. All of us don’t necessarily handle situations confidently, and I backed off feeling sorry for myself as kids did not allow me to play “reindeer games” with them. If I had continued to sit on the bench watching others play, however, I’d be an entirely different person today.

Instead, I decided to stand up to the bullies. Scary as it was initially, being seen as someone who will just keep taking it will allow the bullies to understand they can do more and more.

While I was have a lot consistent self-worth inside, I mustered my confidence outside to say I was not going to stand up and take this any more. While I received a few pushes and “here is what I am going to do to you if you don’t…” comments at first, they saw I meant it. Sounds easy and it wasn’t. I still was teased horrifically for awhile after that.

But I continued to show my strength by not demonstrating outwardly that the emotional bullying hurt me significantly…and guess what? Most of them eventually decided I was too much work and they were not getting the power and control rush that fed their intimidation. Nearly all left and found someone else who very unfortunately was an easier “victim.”

Why We Continue to Feel Like A Victimized…

As you may have read in my other bullying articles, there is no panacea that can solve every situation. Despite my very successful strategies, I still had to deal with a few school bullies through high school. 

But my “no wilting” strategy truly worked…

I think too often we take a lot of inappropriate stuff from individuals because of being afraid of the very hurtful words, or we may we will get that “punch in the nose” – figuratively or literally In a work setting, many think they can’t stand up to a bullying boss because they’d lose their job. 

I hear a lot of, “If we ignore it, the situation will go away” or “I’m just not ready to confront the situation yet…”

It can be especially hard for our children…

But if I had not taken a proactive approach and “confronted” my fears in elementary school, I would not be talking with you today and known worldwide as the Doctor of Life Resiliency. I’d be probably living with my Mother, not married and have few friends.

Today, I’ve known my able-bodied wife for nearly 34 years, have a wonderful adopted daughter from China, been blessed to travel around the world, and have talked to millions like you globally about work/life resiliency strategies and bullying. 

I am very humbly making a true resilient difference with so many of you in this world. It absolutely would not have been possible without my epiphany in the third grade.

But it does not matter what age you find your common ground moments and courageously lock away those fears and bullies – sometimes inside you. Just that you and your children do…

As I did, please think of ways you can tackle your fears with certain people or situations. Maybe say to yourself – with a slight variation to others – what Peter Finch shouted in the 1976 Academy Award winning movie, “Network.” He said, “I am mad as hell and I am not going to take this anymore.”

You don’t want your kids – or yourself – to feel fear or helplessness in such bullying situations. Like me, overcome and do what is best for you and your children. 

Look forward to our discussion next week. Please let me know if there are other work/life resiliency topics you’d like me to cover. And check out my newest resiliency e-books on www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By: Boom Boom! Revolution

Hindsight Is A Word That Can Derail Our Sense Of Future If We Are Not Careful

February 19, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Workplace Educator at Lennick Aberman Group (Please check out my latest work and life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

The word, “hindsight,” is used a lot by many of us who think we could have done something differently (usually better) in life or at work. Then, of course, circumstances would have been more advantageous for us, or at least something should have happened differently we think would have benefited us just a little more. Right? Well…

Like me, I am sure you can think of at least a few hindsight examples in your own life and career that you might have done differently. This, however, can lead you down a slippery road.

I’ve been thinking about such “woulda, coulda, shouldas” recently as my health has turned south just a bit to where a couple back operations will be needed in the next few months to allow me to be close to “Steve normal” again.

Should I have had similar operations 10 years ago? Would the right foot orthotic I am wearing now made a significant difference if only I had got it earlier in life? Could I have been better to myself?

I wrote an article a couple years back that explored the “W,C, S” in all of us. Have you ever thought in your career or life: “What could I have accomplished in my life if only…,” or, “I should have taken this direction but didn’t,” or, “If only I would have made this decision, my career and life might be different. 

All of us face these “woulda, coulda, shouldas” throughout our lives. There are decisions I have made that I sometimes regret and opportunities missed because I did not see them. But I have never let those moments –  including my momentary health issues now – define me. There have been countless other times I have made the right calls in my life and career and benefited immensely from them.

Hindsight is really about how we behave – with ourselves. We did what we thought best at the time and we can’t look back. If we do, our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth might travel down that windy road of “woulda, coulda, shouldas.”

 I’ve been able to jump over these obstacles in the road because I try very hard to stay in the present and not look back. A friend of mine said of himself: “Looking back has always been a challenge for me because I nearly always paint myself in less resilient light and see more negativity than not.”

As I’ve talked with thousands of good folks like you each week, I sense that many of you also sometimes focus on such life challenges or negatives.  Let’s face it: We all do at some points in our lives. 

The key I have found is not letting these past moments torment you moving forward. Instead, all of us should celebrate the wonderful resilience that makes us very successful and worthwhile to all those within our orbit.

 Staying resilient, especially during challenging times personally or professionally, can be very hard 

Like me, you might be going through a health issue, possibly a career challenge, or know someone very dear who is fighting through life’s ups and downs.

For me, and maybe you, such challenges affect how we like ourselves, and the confidence to look past those inevitable obstacles. Whether we are struggling with our health, at our jobs, or continue trying to be successful in our personal relationships, the past can sometimes affect how we react to our future.

On a personal level, I’ve had to deal with a life-long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), and it has caused me to lose confidence many times in my life. While I don’t see my disability now as an insurmountable negative, it can challenge how I view myself if I am not careful.

Especially during these winter months and my current health obstacles, I just have to be very disciplined when walking on snow or ice or I may lose my balance and fall.

 All of us have our own set of unique circumstances, and I don’t talk about my disability to seek your empathy. I do bring my life up because it shows we need to balance our perceived negatives in a way that allows us an avenue to be successful – not dwelling on the “woulda, coulda, shouldas” too often.

 One life strategy I have found to overcome such life or career obstacles is to compartmentalize my difficult moments. 

This might work in your own unique life situations. You may want to try shutting/locking a particular compartment door in your mind for awhile if a perceived negative or past burden becomes too much to handle. You can’t avoid the door again but you can compensate by finding another part of my life going well – whether it is life or career related.

One way I am overcoming in addition to my fantastic family’s support: I’ve joined this terrific behavioral advice firm, Lennick Aberman Group – www.lennickaberman.com. This is allowing me to see such a bright and wonderful future in offering more of my resilient programming/messaging worldwide.

Such “other compartments” have helped build my confidence back up again where I can deal with that troubling health door. Unduly losing confidence in my future because of this health occurrence has been a creaky door that I’ve dead bolted these days.

What about you? Finding your new or existing “doors” to prop open might be the best resilient gift you can give yourself. Such pathways like sharing a quiet and gentle moment your wonderful spouse or significant other, or prying open that stubborn door of finding something to do in common with your teenager…this list can go on and on.

Then, 10 years from now, you won’t be kicking yourself because you could have done this or should have done that.

I’m having a great life, and I am not kicking myself that I could have done this or should have done this with my health. If I would have done something earlier, it might have potentially worked out less promising than my upcoming procedures this year.

There are no guarantees that the “wouldas” would have been any better for any of us.

The piece I also have learned and I hope you see for yourself, too… Never look back and I say, “I should have done this.” Instead, look forward and say, “I believe the best is yet to come in my life.”

This gives you – and me – the sense of hope that the “W, C. S” can never take away!

Thanks so much for your continued readership! Please, again, check out my latest work and life e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By: j doso

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hindsight is really about how we behave – with ourselves. We did what we thought best at the time and we can’t look back. If we do, our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth might travel down that windy road of “woulda, coulda, shouldas.”

 

I’ve been able to jump over these obstacles in the road because I try very hard to stay in the present and not look back. A friend of mine said of himself: “Looking back has always been a challenge for me because I nearly always paint myself in less resilient light and see more negativity than not.”

 

As I’ve talked with thousands of good folks like you each week, I sense that many of you also sometimes focus on such life challenges or negatives.  Let’s face it: We all do at some points in our lives.

 

The key I have found is not letting these past moments torment you moving forward. Instead, all of us should celebrate the wonderful resilience that makes us very successful and worthwhile to all those within our orbit.

 

Staying resilient, especially during challenging times personally or professionally, can be very hard.

 

Like me, you might be going through a health issue, possibly a career challenge, or know someone very dear who is fighting through life’s ups and downs.

 

For me, and maybe you, such challenges affect how we like ourselves, and the confidence to look past those inevitable obstacles. Whether we are struggling with our health, at our jobs, or continue trying to be successful in our personal relationships, the past can sometimes affect how we react to our future.

 

On a personal level, I’ve had to deal with a life-long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), and it has caused me to lose confidence many times in my life. While I don’t see my disability now as an insurmountable negative, it can challenge how I view myself if I am not careful.

 

Especially during these winter months and my current health obstacles, I just have to be very disciplined when walking on snow or ice or I may lose my balance and fall.

 

All of us have our own set of unique circumstances, and I don’t talk about my disability to seek your empathy. I do bring my life up because it shows we need to balance our perceived negatives in a way that allows us an avenue to be successful – not dwelling on the “woulda, coulda, shouldas” too often.

 

One life strategy I have found to overcome such life or career obstacles is to compartmentalize my difficult moments.

 

This might work in your own unique life situations. You may want to try shutting/locking a particular compartment door in your mind for awhile if a perceived negative or past burden becomes too much to handle. You can’t avoid the door again but you can compensate by finding another part of my life going well – whether it is life or career related.

 

One way I am overcoming in addition to my fantastic family’s support: I’ve joined this terrific behavioral advice firm, Lennick Aberman Group – www.lennickaberman.com. This is allowing me to see such a bright and wonderful future in offering more of my resilient programming/messaging worldwide.

 

Such “other compartments” have helped build my confidence back up again where I can deal with that troubling health door. Unduly losing confidence in my future because of this health occurrence has been a creaky door that I’ve dead bolted these days.

 

What about you? Finding your new or existing “doors” to prop open might be the best resilient gift you can give yourself. Such pathways like sharing a quiet and gentle moment your wonderful spouse or significant other, or prying open that stubborn door of finding something to do in common with your teenager…this list can go on and on.

 

Then, 10 years from now, you won’t be kicking yourself because you could have done this or should have done that.

 

I’m having a great life, and I am not kicking myself that I could have done this or should have done this with my health. If I would have done something earlier, it might have potentially worked out less promising than my upcoming procedures this year.

 

There are no guarantees that the “wouldas” would have been any better for any of us.

 

The piece I also have learned and I hope you see for yourself, too… Never look back and I say, “I should have done this.” Instead, look forward and say, “I believe the best is yet to come in my life.”

 

This gives you – and me – the sense of hope that the “W, C. S” can never take away!

 

Thanks so much for your continued readership! Please, again, check out my latest work and life e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

 

Are You Living Up To the Resilient Life and Work Expectations Of #1?

February 13, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Workplace Educator, Lennick Aberman Group (Please check out my newest resiliency at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

Too often, we worry unnecessarily about living up to expectations of others. What type of job do we have, house we own, car we drive, and vacation we have taken lately…the list can go on and on These are the type of status symbols society identifies as ways “we have made it.”

But have we really? Most importantly, are we living up to the resilient expectations of ourselves?

Do we believe in ourselves? Are we happy with who we are? Can we overcome life challenges without sliding down the slippery slope of despair, lost hope and even destructive actions to ourselves? Those of us who can answer these types of resilient questions in a positive and resilient way are the ones who have truly made it.

I was thinking about these questions after I heard of the unfortunate, tragic death of Pop music icon Whitney Houston over the weekend.

On the surface, she had everything. Fame, fortune and a wonderful singing voice that could only compare to the likes of Barbra Streisand. Yet, there seemed to be something missing inside that led her to drugs and other destructive behavior…and probably not living up to her own expectations.

Whitney was a shining star…gone far, far too soon.

But it doesn’t matter if you are Whitney Houston, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or some like you or me. Why can’t we sit down and smell the roses once in a while and realize what a wonderful life we have?

Not doing this once in awhile, as I have found recently, leads to unnecessary stress and thinking much less about our health, well-being or what’s truly best for us inside. Instead, we worry too much about, “How can I make more money?” “What can I buy next?” or “How can I please someone else?” These questions seem to dominate, at least, American culture these days.

Here’s the kicker and what we/you should be thinking about: Do you truly appreciate what you have? Do you like yourself? Do you believe in yourself? Do you listen to your inner voice as it tries to say, “Stop focusing always on the external world…focus on what is best for you…”?

While I have a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I have not always appreciated what I have inside me… always trying to be as normal as can be no matter what. The resiliency of my adaptability, my perseverance, my persistence, my patience and my ability to overcome are sometimes taken for granted by me. If I lose my balance and fall, for example, I just get up, dust myself off and start walking again without listening to my inner voice. My inner voice that says, “What is happening and why are you falling more?”

I have been far more concerned about my next appointment, growing my business, or making sure my wonderful family can afford what they want in life. Never slow down…just keep forging ahead. Doesn’t sound so thoughtfully resilient, does it?

Sound familiar in your life? Be honest. Many of you have gone down the same path whether you have physical challenges like me or not.

What are you doing about your life and career to stay healthy emotionally and possibly physically?

My physical health has taken a beating now because of my attitude…especially as I head into my mid-50s.

I have been lucky in a sense…and probably more fortunate than Whitney and maybe some of you. Over the last two months, I was given a number of quite grave warning signs that forced me to listen to my inner voice and focus on me. Yes, me…not expectations of society or others. My falls (from walking) have increased dramatically since December, which has led to concussions and momentary paralysis. Could I fall and accidentally kill myself?

You have your own unique life challenges, but these increased falls really woke me up. I’m now going to have spinal surgeries to help eliminate the possibilities of paralysis and other more life-changing consequences. Still serious stuff, but I am listening and focusing in on what’s best for me.

I’m not suggesting you be self-centered or stop listening the expectations of others. As probably Whitney didn’t, please listen to your inner voice and make sure your life and work actions are best and most healthy for you.

Now, that’s a great and healthy expectation for yourself! As I have, I suggest you try it for a test drive…

Thanks, again, for your readership of my resiliency pieces. My newest e-book on anti-bullying will be on my web site – www.resiliencyfirst.com. Please also check out my other books, articles and videos.

I hope you are having a resilient day!

Photo By: Digger Digger Dogsta

All of Us Can Have Our Own Super Bowl Resiliency Moments…

February 6, 2012

 By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Worklife Educator at Lennick Aberman Group. (Check out my newest resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.)

As I was watching the Super Bowl last night, I was reminded again how football and sports in general are all about R-E-S-I-L-I-E-N-C-Y. Although Aretha Franklin is not singing this one, the game mirrored the ups and downs all of us have in our lives and careers.

One moment we see things very clearly and nobody can stop us from scoring a “touchdown” at work or in life. Then, we sometimes are overtaken by circumstances and start not making as many first downs.

Last night, the New England Patriots were probably sizing their Super Bowl rings until a finger-tip catch by a mostly unknown New York Giants wide receiver – Mario Manningham in the last two minutes spoiled their hopes Then in the next few minutes Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was throwing a desperation hail Mary pass that was not caught and time ran out. Giants win.

I was not particularly rooting for the Patriots or Giants…I’m actually a long-suffering Minnesota Vikings fan. The Vikings are O–4 in their Super Bowls…need I say more. I congratulate both teams and particularly the Giants for finding a way to win.

The workplace and life point is: All of us must deal with our own unique highs and lows as we navigate through the defensive to cross the goal line for “our touchdowns” as we define them.

That is why to effectively deal with my career and life touchdowns and interceptions, I periodically ask myself this resiliency question: What makes me the happiest about myself for that particular moment?

You know the Super Bowl MVP quarterback Eli Manning and the other Giants can answer that question quite emphatically. Even in the aftermath of a loss, though, Tom Brady and his teammates need to dig down deep and be happy they played a very good game and tried their best.

This is where the resilient strategies of adaptability, not dwelling on perceived negatives, perseverance and patience can come in quite handy.

Most of us won’t have a career as a Super Bowl quarterback, running back or coach. But I suggest all us focus on the same type of goals:

 -      To be the absolutely the best person you can be at work and in life. For us that would mean being a thoughtful work team member, a wonderful friend, a compassionate spouse, a person of character…the list goes on and on.

-      To be a person of integrity and be there when other need you.

-      To be empathetic to others and especially yourself. The Patriots are probably not happy with themselves right now. This is where the resiliency strategies I mentioned above can help so much.

None of us have to be involved in the Super Bowl to be that person people look up to, seek for advise, or just have folks think, “You are just a terrific person to be around.” But first – and I have had doubts in my life over this hurdle – you must see yourself as a fantastic person.

When I get into a funk, I ask these simple questions of myself:

- How have I truly helped be a memorable teammate at work?

- Have I been keeping my health and family first understanding that my diligence will offer me consistent self-worth and happiness?

- Have I been giving all my efforts to be there for someone who may need me?

- How have I been able to teach my teenage daughter the values that I think are important in life?

- Have I been patient and kind to myself despite, for example, my body breaking down a bit?

- What is one inspiration action someone has done today that I have learned from?

 As I overcome some significant health challenges that have reared their head recently, such questions make me focus and stay grounded. What are your questions that keep you on the right path?

I suggest it is important for you to think of those because sometimes we might figuratively or literally “lose a big game,” and have to face ourselves in the mirror the next day. And find the smaller resilient things inside that can make us get back in that life game successfully tomorrow.

Because you see: I have found work and life resiliency is more than just dealing with the big things in life – a death of a family member, securing that $1 million deal, losing one’s job, or even a Super Bowl win or loss.

It is more about those smaller things we do everyday that make us feel resiliently good about ourselves and able to adapt successfully when great things occur or unforeseen/unwanted events happen. 

My resiliency challenge for you this week is to do one thing that makes you happy, which has been off your radar screen for awhile. Maybe it is kissing your spouse or actually having a meaningful conversation with one or all of your children. Or, it may be helping a co-worker with a work project even though you are not assigned to do it. These are actions within your control and are easily doable if only you give a small portion of your time. It might mean a big difference for you!

Tom Brady might want to go out to a local playground today and see the smiles in kids faces as he greets them. While maybe not on the same level as a Super Bowl win, it will show him how much he has positively affected kids’ lives (that actually may be more important than a Super Bowl win.:)) 

For us, most importantly, we need to be a bit kinder, gentler and more humble with ourselves in “Super Bowl-type” situations we may face everyday. The may not be exactly a 4th and goal intensity, but they can affect our life’s happiness just the same…

Over time, as I have found, such actions will help build the resiliency and inner-feeling of good inside you when dealing with things not always within your control. This may be the unreasonable request from your boss, the 10-item “To Do” list at home that you never have time to do, or your car is going nuts as you need to go to an important event. This list can be long…

Such resiliency inside you, however, will allow your “Super Bowls” to not be so daunting or scary anymore…

Look forward to your comments again next week, and please check out my resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By: Collectible Legends