By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

All of us have days when we are on top of the world. We like ourselves, we are providing for our families in substantive ways, and everything we touch in our lives and careers could not be any better.

Think for a moment of one or two examples and please hold on to them with a smile as we traverse in this article how we handle those challenging moments that eventually come up for all of us. You know those times when life was not so kind for you, when you did see an opportunity until it was too late, when you lost just a bit of hope when those dark clouds did not let in a few rays of sunshine.

All of us have these moments and the most important decision is how we react to them. Do we find the right (non-potholed) path to successfully move forward, or do we continue walking down that lonely path of despair and heartache?

While some good folks say it is fate, I truly think it is more within our resilient control.

Early in my life I had those moments when I sometimes cried myself to sleep because of teasing and emotional bullying by good kids who really did not know any better. Later, when everything was going great for me as a communications executive the company I worked for imploded under the weight of a disintegrating economy. And now as my resiliency business becomes successful and I am very humbling viewed as a worldwide expert in career and life resilience, my body is breaking down because of a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy).

Disappointments, of course. Please think of your unique obstacles that you’ve overcome personally and professionally. How have you maneuvered through those minefields to stay happy, content and successful as you define it?

Among the many unique ways all of us scale those craggy mountains is by a series of resilient strategies most of us use every day. Our list includes such things as adaptability, learning to compromise, knowing your strengths, finding common ground, staying in control and the three Ps of resiliency – perseverance, persistence and patience.

Nothing really revolutionary. But strategies that also should help us overcome most anything life throws in our direction.

Each time, for example, I have fallen figuratively and literally these resilient “friends” have come to my rescue as I’m sure they have for you…

When a classmate in high school told me I should not be dating this beautiful “able-bodied” girl and stick with my own “disabled kind,” finding common ground and knowing my strengths were there to pick me up.

I could not let his prejudice and intolerance force me to think any less positively about myself, Excruciatingly hard to get past this…you better believe it.

How have you used those two strategies to dust yourself off from a disappointment or tragedy? Maybe it was trying to come to grips with your wonderful Mother or other loved one dying of Alzheimer’s. Possibly your child going down the wrong path…

Then, there’s me: A couple years ago, tripping and hitting my head against an unforgiving marble floor at a work conference with many colleagues around. What were they going to think? Pity? My inner resilient voice told me to understand what I could control, persevere through it all and stay patient with myself.

Also, very, very challenging to overcome. That is until colleagues humbly told me how much they admired my will, adaptabity and projecting myself as a person – disabled or not.

What about how you have used those resilient strategies? Please think of a personal or career event that has forced you to truly adapt, absolutely persevere and/or wholeheartedly made you rethink a thing or two about yourself. How has it changed you and how you view the outside world? You possibly endured through a layoff, someone (possibly a friend) took you for a lot of money, your most loving relationship ended for reasons that could have been avoided.

Although it can be very hard to come to grips with sometimes-tearful disappointments, I have found that all of us need to stop pitying or feeling sorry for ourselves. We should realize how such basic resilient strategies can help you turn the page with more confidence. Life does not always have to be extremely complex,,,unless you make it so.

Yes, my worldwide resiliency writing and speaking business is turning a fantastic corner. Yes, arthritis, my joints wearing out and 51-year-old muscles are not reacting as they once did. Patience and being gentle with myself, however, has allowed me to look past those days when walking is more difficult, my balance is like a teeter-totter gyroscope, my confidence goes into the tank because I need to find alternative ways to do something that was so easy just a couple years ago. It’s definitely  not a piece of cake some days.

When was the last time you were patient and gentle with yourself or others? You did not yell at your spouse or kids after your boss had one of those ballistic type days at work. Someone cut you off on the freeway and you gave them the finger. You lost patience with yourself because you did not accomplish all 10 “To Do” tasks on a particular day. All of us have been there…

Now I asked you to remember those times when you were at top of the world. Did you expend as much energy feeling good about those times as you did thinking about the disappointments and challenges? Probably not…

A recent study showed that children laughed and smiled more than 200 times a day. Adults do the same less than 10 times a day – even when times are truly going fantastically. Re-learning to smile and laugh more on a consistent basis – possibly loving your very dear pet – will help reduce the stress even on those days when the world seems to be closing in on you.

It’s amazing what a smile can do in the best and most challenging of times. I can smile and move on with some of the challenges highlighted above, you can also make the difference – for yourself!

I truly appreciate all the great resiliency feedback through the social media world. Look forward to talking with you again next week, my friends!

 

 

by Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

I think too often we don’t give ourselves enough credit as we try to successfully navigate the currents of our professional and personal lives. We just look at the setbacks and sometimes discount the resilient and positive decisions made everyday.

An example of mine: Because of my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I have fallen hundreds of times in my 50 years and struggle to sometimes get back up without too many people noticing. Instead of worrying about image and people seeing me, I should always be very, very thankful I can still walk – whether it is with my cane or independently.

I typically do, and my attitude is to get up and walk for as long as I can. But I sometimes – like any of us – dive into the murky waters of lost confidence and even depression at some points in my life.

What are you thinking about at this point in your life that has you a bit on edge? Yes, come on, all of us deal with such chasms once in a while. Is it your job? Lack of one? Your personal relationships? No matter what they are, I have found that your attitude is absolutely key in helping swim through potentially menacing currents to see clearly what is truly important in life.

How have you swam through the currents in your orbit? I’m sure nine times out of 10 you have made the right decisions and found a successful way to deal with life’s stresses. Unfortunately, we sometimes needlessly worry about the one instance.

I could very easily live off of society’s sympathy and understanding. Instead, I have tried to use my disability as a rallying call for myself to attempt to help others worldwide who are struggling with their own challenging currents. I am humbled that my worldwide web site and speeches have resiliently affected so many from Saudi Arabia to China to South America and the States.

By talking with each of you openly about my life and career resiliency challenges, it has taught me to accept myself for who I am. This same lesson can be applied to you the next time one of those professional or personal “currents” sweep you off the course you expected.

While some of you are doing great in this economy, other good folks have had economic waves tip over their boat – so to speak – with little or no fault of their own. As I have found with age and physical disability, however, some of the currents you can’t control, but you have to navigate and steer your way through the best you can.

That’s why attitude is so important. I would not have thrived without knowing I am not going to give up my walking independence without a monumental fight. I’ve been so lucky to have a very successful career, and a truly wonderful wife and family. I have rarely settled for anything. To this end, I suggest you never settle for situations you know are right or you can have influence. You can have a resilient effect on your attitude every single moment of your life.

I sometimes walk with a cane now, but a friend so beautifully told me recently to never give up the attitude that I may not need the cane in the future. She was absolutely right, and I am now not resigned to adapting to less independence. Some day I will walk without a cane again. My attitude is revved up.

Are you revved up about yourself? Where is your attitude about you these days? Do you believe in yourself? I truly hope so because there is no better person in your life than you!

Take care of yourself, and you’ll be able to navigate those unwanted currents in your life.

Thanks, again, for helping me become a humble voice of resiliency worldwide. Until next week…

by Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Stress, anxiety, relaxation, fulfillment and resiliency. All of these everyday responses are inevitably connected as we walk successfully through our lives and careers. In this challenging economy, we could probably highlight four or five top-of-mind examples of how we have adapted to the stress/anxiety in our lives.

But how about the times we have actually taken time to relax, and be happy and fulfilled with our simple and complex life moments? Probably not as easy to list…

Whether it is effectively overcoming a challenging work situation, trying to find your next great work adventure, or just having a meaningful conversation with a 15-year-old drama queen daughter like mine. Stuff always seems to get in the way of those soothing words like “relax,” or “fulfilled.”

No matter how you define it, life has been full of storms most of us have had to successfully navigate through lately – in Minneapolis like me or around the world. I just learned, for example, that I need a cane at age 50 to continue to successfully adapting to a lifelong physical disability known as Cerebral Palsy. This was a lightening bolt that I hoped would never come…

As I have finally done, however, please take time to relax, be happy and realize the special person that you are. No matter what stresses you have all of us need to find those quiet moments to keep healthy. Even though I have been very humbly called the doctor of resiliency worldwide, I also sometimes struggle finding those tranquil corners of my life.

One of the stress management avenues that has helped re-engage my mind’s dusty relaxation nooks is a suggested stress program my local medical plan provider offers to all of its clients. I have particularly found the following useful in “un-stressing” myself to successfully detour into a relaxation lane where I can recharge my battery. I hope these suggestions provide you with the same smooth ride and resiliency.

Relaxation Techniques

An important lesson to learn is that the stress response happens naturally — we don’t consciously turn it on or off. And that’s a good thing, because it helps us get things done.

But if we are always experiencing the stress response, we wear down. Strive instead for balance — that’s the key to feeling your best.

The Relaxation Response

We, of course, respond to stress everyday. The good thing is, we can teach our bodies to do the opposite. Just think of it as the symptoms of stress response reversed.

- Your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure relax.
- The production of stress-related hormones (adrenaline and cortisol)
is inhibited.
- Endorphins (your body’s “feel good” hormones) increase
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Relaxation takes many forms — from formal techniques (e.g., meditation, yoga, tai chi) to personal things like physical activity, reading, listening to music, camping, and getting together with a friend.

Here are a few easy steps to try as you learn to relax.

Techniques and Exercises to Help you De-Stress…

Visualization:

This is a good relaxation method for when you’re alone — at your desk, early in the morning or right before falling asleep at night.

To begin this technique, think back to a time when you were in a favorite place doing something you really enjoy. Put yourself in that place — try to be there as fully as you can. Close you eyes and think:

- Where is that place?
- What is it like?
- What do you see? Hear? Smell?
- How do you feel physically? Emotionally?

When you are ready, count backward from 10 to 1 and open your eyes.

Notice how your body feels… does it feel good?

Most people find that it does. Here’s why: Your mind doesn’t necessarily know the difference between the actual experience and your memory of it — so your body responds in the same way.

The Power of Suggestion:

Try this: For the next 30 seconds, don’t think of an elephant. Think of anything else, but don’t think about an elephant.

Did it work? Don’t feel bad. That’s the power of suggestion at work. When you see the word elephant, it automatically calls to mind some images that you associate with elephants. You can’t help it.

In the previous exercise, you called to mind your favorite place and doing something you enjoy. You followed a suggestion. You can use this to help you take a shortcut to relaxing.

Here’s how:

- Repeat the visualization exercise above.

- When you feel good effects, give yourself a key word or phrase — something appropriate to you and the situation. Repeat that phrase throughout the exercise.

- When you’d like to visualize that place again, start by repeating that key word or phrase.

Deep Breathing:

Breathing is fundamental to all forms of relaxation — therefore it is one of your most powerful tools.

Changing how you breathe can help you relax, and increase your energy and regulate your emotional state.

Here’s how:

- Holding your breath, or shallow breathing (mostly from your chest), triggers the stress response.

- Breathing from your diaphragm (diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing) turns off the stress response and engages the relaxation response.

That’s why deep breathing is an effective tool all by itself. You can also pair it with other techniques to help you relax ever further.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation:

Each day, you usually accumulate stress-related muscle tension. This tension can cause:

- Headaches.
- Backaches.
- Neck and Shoulder Pain.
- Illnesses.

By paying attention to your body and posture, you can tell whether you have extra tension in your body.

Ask yourself:

- Are your shoulders raised?
- Is your jaw clenched?
- Are you gripping the steering wheel of your car with all your might?
- Are your abdominal muscles tight?

To find out, this method can help you pinpoint areas of stress in your body. Here’s how:

Pinpoint stress? Here’s how:

- Sit in a comfortable upright position with your back straight
but not rigid.
- Close your eyes and practice deep breathing.
- Do a conscious “inventory” of your body, paying special attention to any areas of pain, discomfort or tension.
- Direct your attention to a specific area and consciously breathe “into” that area. When you inhale, notice the uncomfortable sensation. On the exhale, consciously breathe out your tension.

You’re carrying extra tension around, progressive muscle relaxation may be the perfect technique to try.

With this easy technique, you:

- Contract (squeeze) a muscle.
- Relax the muscle.
- Move (progress) from one muscle group to the next.

Progressive muscle relaxation? Here’s how:

- Lie down in a comfortable position. Keep your back straight
and don’t cross your arms and legs. Close your eyes.
- Practice deep breathing to start.
- Begin at the top of your body by clenching all of your face and
neck muscles. Squeeze your forehead, eyes, lips and neck muscles for a few seconds, then completely release as you exhale.
- Move down your body by clenching your shoulder and arm
muscles for a few seconds, then completely release as you exhale.
- Continue doing the same as you move down into each muscle group. Remember to practice your deep breathing as you go.
- When finished contracting each muscle group, lie still for a few minutes and just enjoy the feeling of relaxation.
- When you are ready, count backward from 10 to 1 (while
continuing to deep breathe) and open your eyes. Notice how your body feels.

Progressive muscle relaxation requires practice to master, but it’s also one of the most effective relaxation techniques.

Meditation:

Meditation has been around for hundreds of years, developed as a form of self-investigation and acceptance.

In recent years, scientific studies have reinforced and proven the benefits of meditation. With it, you can increase your awareness of the sources and causes of your stress, bringing relief and happiness.

There are two basic forms of meditation:

- Concentrative meditation focuses on a single element, such as sound, image or feeling — it excludes everything else.

- Mindfulness meditation includes all elements of the environment and focuses on recognizing your stressors and letting them go.

With both types of meditation, you need to train your mind. If your mind begins to wander, you must coax it back to the focus of your meditation. And although meditation can help nearly everyone, it is important to understand some basic elements to choose the form that works best for you.

Concentrative meditation? Here’s how:

- First, choose a familiar word that has meaning for you and is
easy to repeat.
- Focus on your breathing. Feel your abdomen expand and
contract. If your mind wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.
- After a few minutes, start repeating your chosen word. Concentrate on every breath you take. Allow the sound of your word to lead you deeper into relaxation — forget everything else.
- As your session ends, gradually return your focus to your breathing, and slowly begin to notice what is happening both internally and externally.

Yoga:

Yoga is a mind-body exercise combining stretching and controlled breathing to achieve relaxation and a stabilized mood. In addition to stress reduction, yoga provides many other benefits, including:

- Increased flexibility and coordination.
- Reduced muscle tension.
- Improved balance.
- Management of other health conditions, such as low back pain, multiple sclerosis and arthritis.

There are many different types of yoga, but all share basic elements — rhythmic breathing, meditation and stretching postures (called asanas). The most common form of yoga is hatha yoga — a series of gentle movements that can be tailored to your abilities.

Mindfulness Meditation:

Mindfulness encourages you to be fully present. It also teaches you to accept change, to “go with the flow.” You may have noticed that two different people faced with the same stressful situation may have very different responses, some of which may depend on personality, some of which can be learned.

Mindfulness meditation? Here’s how:

- Focus on your breathing. Feel your abdomen expand and contract. If your mind wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.
- Allow your thoughts to come and go freely. You may experience physical sensations, like pain, pleasure, sadness or happiness. Allow these to happen without resistance.
- Allow yourself to experience the present moment. Forget about the past and future. Be in the moment as much as possible.
If your attention wanders, refocus and concentrate on your breathing.

Four tips for meditating:

- Find a quiet environment and an uninterrupted block of time. You may want to set a timer. Ten minutes once a day is a good start. Work to expand the duration, or add a second session at a different time of day.
- Establish a comfortable position. The ideal is to sit upright, back straight, cross-legged on the floor, or in a chair. Find a relaxed position you can maintain without effort.
- Choose an object to focus on, whether it be external (a picture on the wall) or internal (your chosen word).
- Work toward letting go and accepting whatever comes up.

Please remember, as I finally did, that life is more than just dealing with stress and anxiety. These responses can dominate us if we are not careful. By using such relaxation techniques, however, you’ll find your life much more fulfilling and you’ll be even more successful. It will, then, be less about your daily stress balancing act and more about total life fulfillment.

Thanks, again, for making my blog one of the most read in the nation! Until next week my friends…

by Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

All of us have daily challenges and some weeks are far more stressful than others. To effectively deal with my career and life ups and downs,  I periodically ask myself this resiliency question: What makes me the happiest about myself for that particular moment?

I think all of us should step back once in awhile and ask this “happy” question. Understanding yourself better will allow you to successfully manage those “stress obstacles” that inevitable come up in all our lives.

- Is it something great you have accomplished at work?

- Is it that you remembered to kiss your wonderful spouse when in the morning?

- Is it that you’ve effectively handled a typical challenge from my teenager?

- Is it that you’ve thought about positive things about yourself that day without sweating the small stuff?

- Is it successfully overcoming significant and truly challenging circumstances, so you can have peace with yourself?

I have found resiliency is more than just dealing with the big things in life – a death of a family member, losing one’s job or dealing with many other family or work situations. It is sometimes the smaller things we do everyday that make us feel good about ourselves and able to adapt successfully when unforeseen events happen.

In saying this, however, all of us have those big moments that show our true grit and resilience as a person. While I’ve had a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I’ve always walked independently without any aids like a cane. Well, unfortunately, no more. I am now using a cane on those days by back doesn’t feel so good.

While this may seem a small step, it does point out that sometimes all of us need to adapt to things we never want in our lives. To stay happy, fulfilled and continue living a normal life, I’ve had to make such adjustments that I would not have done even two months ago.

The point is you never know what is going to happen to you at work and in life. Being adaptive and understanding what makes you ultimately happy will be a resilient difference for you moving forward. Those big – and small – challenges still may hurt but you’ll definitely see yourself in a more resilient light!

My resiliency challenge for you this week is to do one thing that makes you happy, which has been off your radar screen for awhile. Maybe it is kissing your spouse or actually having a meaningful conversation with one or all of your children. Or it may be helping a co-worker with a work project even though you are not assigned to do it.

These are actions within your control and are easily doable if only you give a small portion of your time. For me, my resiliency biz is going very well, and I need to spend time understanding that my true happiness depends on continuing to be independent. If a cane helps me with this, it’s O.K.

Finding your happiness threshold will allow you to be the great person that you are – and not worry as much about parts of your life not always within your total control. Building such resiliency and inner-feeling of good inside will allow you to stay happy even when things are not always going exactly as you had hoped.

Take care my friends until next week, and I hope you have a resilient – and happy – day!

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

There are many days when nearly everything goes wonderfully for me. I am acting on the opportunities that come up in my career and life resiliency speaking/writing business. When I just had a terrific day with my wife and daughter. Or, I just feel good about the resilient direction I am taking in life. I’m sure you’ve had great days like this, too, in your life.

Then, of course, there are those few moments where I don’t always see the fabulous opportunities before me. I doubt my natural skills that have made me very humble success in life and career. Or, I am just having a bad hair day. We’ve all bee there…

That’s why – to stay resiliently healthy – I think all of us need to remember to not get too high when things are going our way. But also not go down the “black hole” when events or circumstances don’t quite go our way.

The resilient takeaway: Too often many of us unfairly judge ourselves on the life actions that don’t goes so well. And forget to savor the moment when you are in the zone. For me, I think that is the reason, I have to be careful on how I react to challenging situations. As you may have experienced these challenging times can consume you and not let you stay on an even keel – even when your life is going just as you’ve hoped.

In the last year or so, I’ve been laid off from a dream job, my body is becoming creakier because of age and the effects of a physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I’ve started a great and successful worldwide resiliency speaking/writing business, and I am enjoying my family more than ever.

But sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking about the first two challenges rather than what truly is making me happy. So I don’t fall into too many of these life traps, I make a simple pledge each morning: No matter how the day goes, I like myself for who I am and the good person I try to be.

Sounds corny I know, but this helps keep me on a level playing field – not with others but myself. If I think too much about some circumstances out of my control, I will fall into the trap that many of you are also trying to avoid in your life.

That is why I believe:

All of Us Embrace the Resiliency Journey

Every one of us has issues we deal with every day – great and small. No one is immune from life. The key is developing successful strategies to adapt and make changes to circumstances you might be dealing with today – and truly knowing yourself.

I don’t pretend to have answers to your particular issues or circumstances, except to say without finding ways to turn the page and determine your unique and resilient ways to adapt, it may take you much longer to succeed and feel good about yourself – again.

Whether it is at work or your personal activities, please think for a moment about one area of your life you’d like to improve over the next six months. I know it may be hard to pin down just one. Wow! For me, I have six or seven things I can’t wait for months to change.

But this will keep you on an even playing field and not be overwhelmed with those “moments” that come up good or not.

What I found through sometimes-painful experiences, is that taking on too much at once can mean setbacks in all areas. I have to set realistic expectations for myself. My physical disability, for example, makes me walk slower and be more careful – especially now that I am 50 going on 80 sometimes. Because of my challenging walking sometimes, I periodically go splat on a sidewalk because I’ve accidentally tripped.

After many  falls in the last couple years, I eventually determined the one thing I needed was for doctors to pinpoint why I was falling more – medically speaking. Then, I needed to develop one plan of action that involved my “team” of loved ones, friends and colleagues. The solution eventually determined was injecting cortisone near my spine to reduce disk swelling affecting a nerve controlling my legs. Since then, I have felt about 30ish again (or roughly – smile) and many parts of my life are within my control again.

I could have dwelled on this and just shrank away and lose my perceived independence of walking without an aid. I knew what I had to do, and I was not going to let life overwhelm me.

A Few Life Questions to Think Through

Change is definitely inevitable in your life and career. When I was 30, I did not have to think so much about falling and my disability.

I invite you to think about one area you want to improve over the next six months or so. By having doctors pinpoint burgeoning arthritis issue in my back, I would not be walking alone today.

The following life questions may help identify the one most important factor in your life right now.

- What are my special talents you feel most proud of?

- How could you demonstrate better teamwork and compassion at work and home?

- What makes you the happiest in your personal life and work life?

- Where do you believe your personal strengths come from?

- What are you doing with your natural talents and abilities?

- What are “out-of-the-box” life actions you have not pursued yet?

- What are some things you like to do but have never tried?

- How does your passion and life’s work here at the association fit in with what you want to do for the rest of your career?

- What are the qualities you like most and least about yourself?

- How have you dealt with a life tragedy (e.g. job loss or a loved one’s death)?

- How has this tragedy affected your life’s outlook?

(Personal example from me)

Because you see, life is all about adapting and embracing change. Truly thinking about such life questions will help you stay resilient and realistic no matter what types of personal and professional life challenges come your way.

It also will help you know yourself better and be fulfilled at work and in life – without falling into too many of the traps I mentioned earlier. Being resilient has helped continue my life’s dreams and stay realistic. Resiliency will help you understand yourself better, increase the effectiveness of handling changes in your life, and be increasingly fulfilled at work and in life.

All of Us Can Achieve…

After six months, I suggest you think through your chosen improvement area again. How are you doing? How is your life better in that specific aspect of your life? As you thoroughly act on your one situation, I know you’ll be better satisfied with your life and have the added resiliency to bounce back and embrace changes.

Answering the questions I posed earlier has helped me maintain my confidence levels, enabled me to see my personal vision to succeed, helped me create a successful plan for the future with actions that make a difference and truly have peace with myself. Most importantly, it has help me stay not too high and not too low.

Because remember: We all have resiliency issues and challenges in life – great and small. It is how we bounce back from these situations that help us have the inner and outwardly richness all of us so truly deserve.

It is such a pleasure talking with you each week. As so many folks have worldwide, please let me know what types of resiliency topics you’d like me to discuss in the future. Until next week, please take care and confident about who you are.