By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

All of us have been there. We did not get that job we have been pursuing for months. Our boss does not fully appreciate the concept of work/life balance as you ask for some time off. A family issue has taken an unexpected turn requiring more time than you expect. Or, we are having one of those low confidence, not-believing-in-ourselves type of days.

Yes, life does happen and not always the exact way you expect. One of the main differences of those of you who successfully get through such daily challenges and many of us that let such events get to us is a realization of what’s within your total control.

Even a resilient guy like me – with ramping up my resiliency speaking/consulting business worldwide and successfully adapting to a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) – sometimes believes I can control more than I can. While I have been humbly very resilient and successful in my career and life, I want to use my talents to be control of everything I do on  a daily basis.

Like you may do, I become impatient with myself if something does not go my way that I feel I can control. But these moments are times when I am probably in situations that are not totally within my control – like wanting my teenage drama queen daughter to do something but she does not. Or, realizing I can’t control my aging body without now needing a cane at certain points.

And I think that’s the lesson I always have to remember, and one you may want to think about the next time an action personally or professionally does not go exactly your way.

A study showed that more than 95 percent of our professional or personal actions are not in total control by us. We think so. We want them to be. And when they are not, it can cause us to lose a bit of our resilience that day. If we let these perpetuate, they can cause us to truly beat ourselves up unnecessarily.

Since we are human, all of us always try to control more actions than we can, but I have found that there are really only three things you can truly control in our lives.

They are:

Attitude - How do you deal with situations that don’t go quite as you expect? Do you get too down when your daughter/son does not fully listen to you, or you are find no luck with companies despite sending out 100 job applications, or you feel like that life right now is not given you an even break?

It’s not easy to always stay resilient, but if you let your attitude about your life and career peak and dive like a roller coaster, your world could go spiraling downward at times. I could, for example, let my physical disability get the better of me – especially now that I am 50 and my body is breaking down a bit. But I try to keep my attitude at least on an even plane by understanding how lucky I am to be able to walk and live a great life.

How is your attitude when life actions don’t go quite your way, or you feel unnecessarily burdened by trying to understand the “fairness” of life?

I bet if you step back a bit from life’s everyday challenges, your attitude about yourself will increase because you will then see how cool you really are. And those around you would notice your gleam!

Values - Do you value yourself? The people around you? Sounds so basic, but these type of values will determine how you are seen in this world. This is something that you can ultimately control.

What values are you teaching your children? How are you being an example to them and others. Again, such values are within your total control…

How do you relate to others – In today’s resilient world, this is becoming even more critical. Nearly everyone’s success these days is tied to establishing productive relationships. Just think about the work front: A recent survey showed that nearly 90 percent of jobs are found – not by just filling out applications – but by networking and getting to know people.

The success of my worldwide resiliency business is directly because of networking and the business relationships I successfully make. How am I being seen, how do I connect with others? This is all within my control.

Do you think about how you are relating to people professionally and personally? I contend this is one of the most important reasons some good folks like you are staying successful in these very crazy and tragic economic times.

Over the next week, I suggest you look at your attitude, your values and how you relate to people. Understanding where you are with all three can help determine where to turn on a road that may be a little less bumpy. As I sometimes have to rethink my life, it will also provide you the right track to stay in control of actions important to you and stop beating yourself up.

Such reflection has been a very health exercise for me, and I know it can be the same for you…

Until next week, I hope you are staying resilient!

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Perseverance, persistence and patience. Wow! They can make the difference between personal and career happiness or times filled with struggles, high drama and a sense of hopelessness in an economy of uncertainty.

I still believe that personal happiness is still greater than any career. Most of us, unfortunately, have been devastatingly affected by this very challenging economy with lay offs, loss of confidence an uneasy sense of “what’s next.” This is where the three Ps can make such a crucial difference for all of us whether we are being hit hard or successfully absorbing the challenges of life.

Specifically, being knocked down in our personal or professional lives has been apart of many of our lives. More of my good friends were just laid off from companies that had never laid off anyone in their history. Naturally, many are very down…not knowing where to turn next to continue with their lives. It’s a deeply saddening time in our nation’s history when companies are forced to cut to the bone because the economy is very slow in turning around.

No matter what political affiliations you have, I’m sure you or someone you know has been affected by these tragic times. Is it time to blame George Bush, Barack Obama or the Congress for our significant challenges? I contend “no” – we need to come together as America has always done to keep us on the right track. Our country and the good folks of it have been knocked down before but we have never stayed down. Look at the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor or even the Civil War.

It’s truly a jip that most of our current knockdowns – being laid off, foreclosure on a house and getting behind on every other bills – are not always within our control. I, in fact, was laid off from my dream job – not because of my stellar performance – but that the credit market dried up and the great company I worked for could not find the money to keep itself afloat.

My friends and I are not alone, and I am sure you have had to deal with a myriad of unexpected issues now whether you are employed or not. The current economic crisis has hurt our life resiliency in so many different ways. Some who have lost their job also are finding personal relationships – even long-term ones – very difficult.

I wish I had the answers to our country’s challenges. I know this: We cannot let the current economic woes knock us out for the 10-count. Besides starting my own communications and resiliency business, I have used the three Ps of life – perseverance, persistence and patience – to get back up and be successful.

Being Knocked Down

I have fallen or “been knocked down” before and have always gotten right back up. I am sure you have had your life moments where you’ve fallen and have gotten back up – and are better for it in the long run. In my previous articles, I mentioned that I have a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), which affects my walking, my balance and sometime my ability to stop from literally falling on the ground. Nothing can hurt or be more sobering than falling and not always being in control of situations.

Should I just lie there and pity myself. No, I need to get up, dust myself off and try to stay as independent as all of us want to be. Once I had to go to the emergency room because I smacked my head on a marble floor. I could have given up but I did not.

My career is no different. I was laid off from a dream job last year and have had to retool my brand to keep myself moving forward. Developing a successful international speaking and writing business on resiliency has been a by-product of assessing my skills and using them differently to still succeed.

While I don’t hold myself up as an example, you can also work through your life “knock downs” – great and small – if you remember those three Ps of life – perseverance, persistence and patience. These three words have helped me through all life and career challenges that have come up.

Perseverance

What can any of us do if we are laid off? In these times, it is usually not because of your performance. The company needs to stay afloat and its labor costs are the single highest money outflow that they can control. So, they lay of good folks like us.

After I went through my laid-off grief stages I mentioned in a previous article, I looked at what was in my control and how I could persevere during these rough times. I knew I had three things I could control – my attitude, my values and the way I relate to people. While searching for a full-time gig, I also developed a personal business plan, looked hard at my personal brand and truly had a heart-to-heart with myself about what I wanted to do for the rest of my career.

Well, this perseverance led me to resiliency, creating an award-nominated blog and establishing a business where I could speak at organizations, develop resiliency materials for those in need and stay healthy in my day-to-day activities. It’s been a true blessing…

The lesson I learned – and one you should think about – is don’t pity yourself because you have had a personal and professional loss. Look at yourself hard and decide what you want to do in life. Don’t just settle because then you may be going through the same challenges in future time. Persevere and understand the fantastic skills and qualities you offer everyday!

Persistence

I hope this does not happen to you:  After the 30th rejection letter, or having a company choose someone else after seven separate interviews from the CEO to the janitor on duty, I’ve had friends and colleagues say, “I am just going to give up.” This is when you must persist and learn how to promote yourself in an even better way.

I hate to promote myself. My dad was a car dealer, and I wish I had his out-going personality and ability to convince folks to close the deal. I’ve always struggled with this, and have tried to let my work do the talking for me. Unfortunately, in these times, you need to show folks why there can’t be a better candidate than you.

That’s why I think understanding and believing in your personal brand is absolutely a key to your future success. When I first re-crafted my “brand,” I thought I’d never come up with something that was truly me. But I persisted and gave myself enough time where I did not feel pressured to write something in five minutes. I persisted and diligently wrote down all my strengths and the types of work I like to do. I also did the same with my weaknesses and the activities I don’t like to do.

This gave my a framework where I was able to write down “my future.” It was not easy and it took significant time but I got it done and now I understand what I want to do for the last 15 years of my career. My persistence led to talking about resiliency and opening up about my disability experiences. Most of all, it gave me the inner confidence to offer my common-sense messages to assist you and other great folks worldwide. Being persistent can be magical…

Patience

You’ve just been laid off and wonder where the money will come from to pay the bills, keep your house and pay for your son’s birthday party coming up soon. In these circumstances, being patient to find your next great job is very hard. I’ve been there and my friends have been there. There’s nothing fun about it and you just want to hurry to find a job that pays for life.

For me, I found that I needed to step back for a moment and don’t hurry into something that I may regret. At least for the short term, I stayed patient and tried to understand what my next step should be. If you have access to unemployment insurance, you nest egg or money in your overall family, that’s great. If you don’t, you may want to consider consulting or some other type of part-time role to get you by for at least little while. This type of patience helped me as I found what I wanted to do – and the next great job in my life.

All of us can react wonderfully to favorable times in our lives. Our true grit is shown in how we deal with the professional and personal challenges all of us sometimes face. I suggest you think of the three Ps the next time you face one of those possible life-changing events in your life. Please don’t stay knocked down for long…see your true and fabulous potential.

Thanks for all of your great comments about my writing and speaking. I am using my three Ps to continue navigating the current we are all swimming through these days.

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

What can you ultimately control in your life and career?

As I reflected on this question, I thought back to my early childhood. In the 1960s, I was a student at a very nice crippled school for children in Minneapolis – that’s what society called such schools back then.

I, of course, never worried about my resilience and how my life or career would blossom. I just wanted to be the first one on the playground after lunch. Michael Dowling School was one of the most progressive of the era – and today – and I could have stayed there throughout my early school years.

But my parents wanted me to reach my ultimate potential without having all the bumps in life softened. That’s why they transferred me into a normal school in the third grade. Although I have a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), they did not want me to overly dwell on its significance. While you may not have a disability, I’m sure your parents also wanted you to reach the heights of your talents just the same and be resilient in life.

As all of us reflect on the sometimes hairpin turns of our lives and careers, I have found there are only three things you can totally control in your life.

You may think at least one is your job. You are getting great performance reviews and have survived the seven rounds of layoff cycles at your company. It’s not. Or, it may be your overall career and work path in the next one, five, or 10 years. It’s not. Or, for sure, it has to be your family. You have a very successful marriage and 2.3 children who are not driving you too insane. It’s not.

As I was mainstreamed into a normal elementary school at age 10, there were only three things I could truly control – my attitude, my values and how I related to people. Of course, at the time, I was too young to understand these phrases. I did realize – as all of us should in our daily and work lives today – that I had to adapt to sometimes unforeseen circumstances I could not always fully control.

Look at yourself today: Can you ultimately control how your boss reacts to an assignment you just completed? Do you have total control of how your work reports spend their time? Can you have a meaningful conversation with your 16-year-old drama queen or king teenager? The first two questions are most likely “no’s”. The third question – I have found through experience with my very nice, yet drama-prone 15-year-old daughter – the third question is a definite maybe…

I began to learn the resilient strategies of adaptability, staying in control, perseverance, persistence and patience (to name a few) when I was mainstreamed. While not knowing it at the time, these strategies helped me survive through occasionally painful instances in school and signature times in my work career.

All of us have examples of challenging moments in our lives and careers. Ones we’d like to forget, but those that force us to use our resilient strategies to make it through layoffs, a relationship ending or that momentous conversation with your drama queen teenager.

How can you learn from your past experiences to enhance your resilience today, and navigate through the currents of life and career?

While many of you may have more challenging life examples than mine, being moved into a normal school at an early age ultimately helped me with my life and career resilience today. (I have now overcome a layoff and have very humbly become successful and own resiliency speaking business.

My early life taught me key lessons. I was 10 years old in 1969 and was escorted to my classroom on the first day of third grade. All the other kids were in the gym listening to the Principal welcoming them to the new school year.

The kids finally came to the classroom and the first one said after seeing me seated at my desk: “Why are you here…are you some sissy who can’t get to the gym?” Well, after a few minutes, the teacher asked me to walk up to the front of the room to introduce myself. Everyone laughed and said, ”Why do you walk so funny?”

That night was the first of many that I cried myself to sleep because I did not understand what was wrong with me and why the kids were being so mean. While my parents were extremely loving and supportive, this brought me to the “Naked Truth.” A reality – a signature moment – that would have a profound affect on my entire life.

Even though I was so young, I remember thinking that I was not going to let the constant teasing ruin my life.

Fast-forward a few years: As any teen, my hormones were raging when I was 15. I liked a lot of girls, and a few actually liked me. I went out with this particularly pretty girl to a movie that I don’t remember – my whole focus was nowhere close to the movie screen…

Everything was going great until an older boy came up to me in the bathroom after the movie and said: ”You have no right to be out with this girl, you should only stick with your crippled friends.” She just feels sorry for you…you’ll never have a real girlfriend.”

Another student also told me that I would never date and marry except “with my own kind.”

Talk about devastating. I didn’t date another girl for more than a year until I got past the hurt: Yes, you have a difference but there are many wonderful girls that see more than just your challenges.

I now have been married more than 25 years to a beautiful able-bodied woman, and we have that terrific 15-year-old drama queen daughter I have talked about, two dachshund dogs and a guinea pig. A terrific life…

This from a guy who was close to not making it out of the incubator because of a series of complications after being born. Resilience is a blessing!

One last personal example: Another high-schooler told me that I should not take any advanced classes because “my kind” only works at menial jobs suited for them. As I have moved on in my career as a corporate communications executive and resiliency speaker/writer, I have very, very humbly been extremely successful.

The point of these stories – and one all of us can learn from – is reaching your ultimate potential in life and career is not just about talent, hard work and a possible lucky break or two. It is understanding what you can control, and being more adaptable, preserving, persistent, patient, and not dwelling on the inevitable negatives sprinkled through our lives.

My parents allowed me to reach for the stars – even today as I speak to great folks like you worldwide about resiliency. I hope you understand your control triggers, and use the resilient strategies I have mentioned. They will help you to continue successfully working through your own life and career ups and downs.

Thanks, again, for your consistent support of my blog. Please let me know if you’d like me to write about other aspects of resiliency that all of us commonly share.

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

Finding ways to use your strengths to retool your career. sounds hard and very intensive.  You know what, it is. But it is absolutely worth the effort and necessary in this uncertain economy.

After being laid off more than a year ago because of the economy, that is what I did and my career is now truly flying high. I developed a personal business plan, looked at my personal brand very hard and had a “heart to heart” on what I wanted to do for the rest of my career.

After being laid off from the dream job I mentioned, I looked at what I could control. My perseverance led me to developing an award-nominated resiliency blog worldwide attracting nearly 1 million hits and establishing a business where I could speak at organizations worldwide about resiliency. Developing additional resiliency materials for those in need led me to stay healthy and sane. It is very humbling…

Many of us spend too much time on what we could have done, or thinking about our perceived personal and professional weaknesses. Too often, we forget about our great – and sometimes untapped – talent that is just waiting to be used in a slightly different way.

To stay resilient in these challenging times, all of us need to focus on our strengths as a person, spouse, parent, friend and co-worker. This is especially true for many of us who have been seriously affected by recent layoffs, which are unfortunately continuing in our country today.

Adapting to new challenges always means looking at ways we can be a better person. But focusing on the past and any weakness(es) you see in yourself will diminish the fantastic person that you are everyday.

That is why this week I encourage you to think about one strength you see in yourself and how this positively affects your life. In fact, when you wake up in the mornings this week, let’s all try remember our strengths and the good people that we are.

Resiliency and adaptability is sometimes putting the past in perspective and creating a sense of future hope. Identifying your strengths will highlight the terrific assets you bring everyday to yourself, family and friends.

I heard someone say once: “You can’t always fix your weaknesses but you can definitely improve on your strengths. Focusing too much on weaknesses will expend far more needed resilient energy than continually showing the world your strengths.

Highlighting these strengths will allow each of us to tackle the variety of daily issues we face – and the uncertainty all of us may have in this economic perfect storm.

Yes, all of us have personal and professional challenges that are sometimes can cause us great pain and uncertainty. As I did, think about recrafting your toolset and looking beyond what you’ve accomplished in the past.

It will make a life-changing difference for you…it is definitely done so for me.

I look forward to talking with you next week. Thanks, again, for your constant readership!