You are here: Home / Archives for Uncategorized

The Word “Blame” Can Be Extremely Unhealthy In Our Work And Personal Worlds

August 22, 2011

 

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Blame. Most life and work actions we blame ourselves for are not totally within our control. Our resiliency takes a hit because we blame ourselves for this or that. Then, our confidence goes down in relation to that “B” word.

It can be a never-ending cycle if we let it…

Examples:

  • We blame ourselves for not getting our “To Dos” list done over the weekend.
  • Sometimes, we blame ourselves for actions we cannot control at work – relying on someone that does not come through on a project or your boss blowing up over a “t not being crossed or an I not dotted.”
  • Other times, we blame ourselves for settling in the job that we have instead of pursuing the job we want.
  • And, of course, there is blaming ourselves for getting laid off at work in the economic times despite exemplary performance.

It goes up the ladder as well. Senior leaders blame themselves for not getting the profits their shareholders want. Politicians blame the other side of the aisle for nearly anything that goes wrong in our world.

I wish we could wipe out the word “blame” from any language and focus on ways to solve issues together. I read once that 95 percent of everything we do at work and in life is not totally within our control. Your spouse, your boss, your friends, and your teenager(s) – you can fill in your list.

Most of us look at resiliency as a right that we have in this world. In the hallway mirror each day, we see ourselves to varying degrees as adaptable, persistent, patient, persevering and, most of all, having strengths to offer personally and professionally.

Despite circumstances and obstacles that sometimes get in our way, I think it is true: All of us are inherently resilient whether we believe it on a particularly day or not. The challenge becomes getting through those challenging days when our resiliency seems as far off as the planet Pluto and we start using the “B” word.

This is when we have to look at ourselves hard and understand that everyone goes through unique resilient challenges in our lives. Blaming others – or ourselves – does not in my opinion solve anything. It just polarizes our thoughts and actions to successfully get things done. Because it is easy to blame but harder to work with folks – or have patience with yourself – in times of need.

Sure, Bill Gates or Steve Jobs might not have money resiliency obstacles to worry about, but they may have other typical professional or personal issues (as all of us do) to deal with resiliently. Just look at what Steve is going through with his health…

Looking always for someone to blame is not healthy for any of us, our country, or our world.

O.K., my idealist tendencies are coming out a bit. But at such blame moments, I think all of us need to look at our personal brand very hard and have a “heart to heart” on what we want to do for the rest of our careers – and life.

By the way, thank you for your gratifying response to my two new career and life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com. (If you have not had a chance to look, please do!)

I could have easily blamed the company that laid me off from my dream corporate communications executive position because of the bad economy. Or, federal and state governments for inaction or unwise economic policies over the last dozen years or so. Or, society for being so polarized these days and not coming together for the true betterment of America and the world – without focusing on petty differences.

Again, these are not instances where any of us have total control.

I could blame my body for deteriorating because of my physical disability – Cerebral Palsy. I now walk with a cane and need an electric scooter for longer walks. When I was younger – I am 51 now – I used to walk up to 36 golf holes and was nearly a scratch (par) golfer.

I have to put a lot of thought into staying successfully upright and being happy in life. As you know from your unique life and work challenges, it’s not always easy. And sometimes all of us stumble and that’s just fine.

While blame creeps in once in a while, I cannot let it consume me or I’d be doing nothing and sitting at home. Talking successfully worldwide to corporations and great folks like you about career and life resiliency is a result of not playing the “blame game.”

How are you handling your blame moments?

I remember something my father told me a long time ago. He said: “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control in life. Use your strengths to find your passions in life to be happy and seek ways to work with others the right way.”

This sentiment meant a lot to me as someone who happens to have a physical disability and (recently) starting my own humbly successful resiliency business.

All of us have had our share of bumps over the last 18 months or so. The economy is getting better, but it is still hard to consistently measure true economic breakthroughs over the last year – especially with the stock market “yo-yoing” the past few days.

As I suggest you do, I had to look outside the box to stay successful and happy during these challenging times. The word “blame” is rarely part of my vocabulary.

I’ve been so fortunate, but you can find even more success then me if you only believe in yourself. I suggest not blaming the world and find your “sweet spots” where you can see tangible success again personally or professionally.

The “sweet spots” might be: 

  • Trying harder to have a meaningful conversation with your teenager.
  • Clearing away time on a Saturday afternoon to do something your spouse/significant other truly likes to do.
  • Giving your boss a break with the tremendous and on-going pressures at work.
  • Finding a moment to smile about the good person that you are despite the anxieties of trying to find your new great work adventures or the things I mentioned above.

Frankly, as I mentioned, it is easy to blame. Like me, I suggest you give yourself a chance to find those “sweet spots” to make you happy. For me, sometimes, it’s just loving my beautiful able-bodied wife of 27+ years, my 16-year-old “drama queen” daughter, and our two mini-Dachshund dogs and Chinchilla. Blame melts away when I am in this zone…

I challenge you to find that “no-blame zone” while overcoming the inevitable obstacles lying in your paths, including that unhealthy nemesis named “blame.”

Thanks, again, for your gratifying response to my two new career and life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com. I’d be honored if you would take a look at them. Your terrific response to my resiliency articles and speeches also has been so humbling for me.

I truly enjoy our conversations. Until next week…I hope you are having a resilient day!

Photo By: Johan Lange

Hall Of Famers Show Us The Benefits Of Managing Our Personal Brand

July 25, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Grace. Humor. Determination. Durability.

These are typically not the first traits most of us think about when we look at our personal brand at work, in our careers – and in life. Adaptability, persistence, patience and perseverance usually top the list.

When I was watching the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame festivities on TV, humor and the others came to mind for the three inductees – baseball executive Pat Gillick, second baseman Roberto Alomar and pitcher Bert Blyleven.

Bert, especially, had waited 14 years of voting by the Baseball Writers of America to secure his Hall of Fame plaque in the Hall at Cooperstown, NY. Less than 300 others, including the likes of Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Joe Morgan and Kirby Puckett, have ever been given the tremendous honor of being known as a baseball Hall of Famer.

Despite 287 wins in 22 seasons, 5th all-time on the strikeout list, and 9th on the all-time shutout list, one national writer once said Bert would never get into the Hall because he was not good enough.

All of us know the feeling of someone not seeing our potential at work, and not giving us a chance or branding us in a certain way not consistent with reality. When we have been faced with such life moments, have we shown the grace, humility and determination to get back on the saddle and show folks our true skills and brand?

Well, guess what? Bert used his skills very deftly to continue believing in himself and promoting his brand in a broadcasting career. And he was inducted into the Hall.

How are you managing or using your brand to show folks to never judge a book by the cover? Your success and, yes, work happiness depends on how you manage your brand.

Bert’s statistics spoke for themselves, but he was never with a big market team (in New York or Chicago) until the very end of his career (Los Angeles). This was one of the many superficial reasons he did not make it earlier, while watching pitchers with not as good statistics get inducted into the Hall.

Did Bert overtly lash out at his critics? No, he used a lot of grace and determination to not let such statements destroy his confidence and self-worth.

This article, however, is really not about Bert or the Hall inductees. Besides their skills, it’s much more about the personal brand that also helped them – and potentially all of us – achieve their dreams…

The following highlights an excerpt in my newest e-book on personal branding – “Join The Likes Of Bill Gates And Donald Trump As Someone Successfully Branding Your Talents.” The book will be available on my web site – http://resiliencyfirst.com – this week for a nominal cost.

Looking Inside Yourself to Tap Your True Emotions and Personal Brand

All of us in our careers have been branded by others for our work skills, our relationships or how we generally relate to other folks. But does that “brand” truly represent what you believe are your results and strengths?

For me in my career, I had always been branded as this inspirational guy with a physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) who had overcome personal obstacles to become a very successful communicator.

While this brand was OK, down deep I did not always want to be tagged as this “inspirational guy.”

For years, I fought these emotions and rarely talked about my disability. But now, as I near 52, I realize that my physical being is a resilient positive point, and offers me a chance to say a few words about common-sense ways to overcoming obstacles and staying resilient through any of our unique life challenges. That is one reason I started this writing to all of you!

I actually looked deep inside myself to realize my perceived personal brand was a positive for me instead of a negative. And I was absolutely determined to be an inspirational voice worldwide, while making a fair living from it.

I’ve successfully done this by being extremely determined with a bit of humble humor and grace thrown in. Instead, for example, highlighting the negatives about falling and hitting my head on a marble floor in front of many work colleagues, I instead I talk about the character and personal brand lessons you can learn from this head-pounding incident

Bert Blyleven also incorporated humor. He was known for his sometimes-unhittable curveball, but giving up nearly 500 homeruns in his career. After retiring he always has been self-deprecating and used the skill of humor to help define him.

Is your perceived personal brand the one that truly fits your emotional resilience about you?

Here are a few tips to help you decide…

- Tapping into your vision of yourself. Branding also sets the table for giving you satisfaction, and bringing it into your current job or life situation.

Bert could have been bitter for not being recognized by the Hall earlier for his fantastic “resume.” But, more times than not he took the high road and recognized the “inner game” of what was truly important in his life

Although most of us will never achieve Hall of Fame status in our field, how have you used grace, humility and determination to help define you to others?

What is the inner game? To me, it’s as simple as recognizing what makes you happy. Setting aside what you “should” like, think about what you “do” like. Everyone is different in what kind of tasks they like to do, how much structure they prefer, and how much they want to interact with others. Think about the type of company you’d like to work in — its size, culture and mission.

To truly understand and adapt your personal brand, you need to see how you feel. When I was young, I did not want to discuss my disability and rarely asked for any help – even if needed. As I indicated above, I wanted to be seen as a normal person in a “normal” world. Can you blame me?

Unfortunately, any difference a person has is not always understood by others. I did not show much grace or humor with others who did not respect me solely because of my difference – and there were many.

Folks always thought I needed doors opened for me or I was in severe pain when I walked. As a person in my 20s and 30s, and wanted to be seen like anybody else. So, my personal brand revolved around proving and acting as normal as I could be. I purposely became skilled at sports, lettered in high school athletics and became nearly a “scratch” golfer. While I was no Arnold Palmer or Tiger Woods, my personal brand was all about this normalcy.

- Assess your current situation in life and how you personal brand fits into it. Review the amount of structure you have, the tasks you do, the people you work with and the organization you work for. How well does it fit with your ideal? Think about what you’d want to change in a new position. Look at your career progression, focusing on aspects that brought you enjoyment along the way. Consider ways in which your job has changed or how your personal brand has grown. Be clear about the parts that fit, too…it’s important to focus on the resilient positives.

Bert could have gone down that negative road on the podium yesterday and asked why it took so long for the writers to come around. Instead, he chose a healthy resiliency option and focused on what he could control. He interjected humor, resolve and determination as he accepted the honor.

Would we be as humble? If so, folks’ perception of our personal brand may turn infinitely more positive.

The outer game. Build on the outer positives and your inner-resiliency. Consciously savor the aspects of work and life situations you like. Look for ways to bring back parts of your past jobs that were engaging. For example, you may miss doing hands-on analysis now that you’re in a management role. Without overdoing it, get a little closer to the work your team does.

Bert has been a TV baseball commentator for nearly 20 years after retiring in the early 1990s, and he has not faded away from people’s consciousness. This also was a conscious step to show durability and extend his brand in other ways

As far as your life and career, I’d suggest watching your preferences. If you prefer individual work but spend a lot of time in teams, negotiate ways to have more independent work time. You may have more options than you first perceive, but you’ll need to ask for what you want.

Stretch. Once you’ve mastered your job, it can feel stagnant. Find ways to grow. Take on special projects, or get to know people in other parts of the organization. Steps like these could lead to a new role. Think about your ideal job, and integrate aspects of that into the job you have now.

The role Bert found in retirement…broadcasting. He, again, continued and extended his brand

- The takeaways. As Bert found out, getting into the Hall of Fame was not just about the statistics and the great curveball he threw. As the years went by, it also was showing the humble and graceful brand that he showed the world.

Does grace, humor, etc., form part of your brand? If not, I’d suggest you think – as I did – about the benefits. And the great thing is it does not require you to be a part of any Hall of Fame…

Again, please look for my newest e-book on branding, which will be on my site (http://resiliencyfirst.com) in the next few days. Thanks so much thinking just a bit more about your own resiliency. It will make a true difference for you!

Staying Certain In Ourselves Can Prove Very Challenging And Complex If…

July 18, 2011

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life/Career Resiliency beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

There is one thing certain in life. There are very few things any of us can truly be certain about…except our resilient selves. Sounds easy to achieve…not necessarily. We sometimes hesitate, we sometimes let mistakes dictate how we feel about ourselves, and we sometimes are not sure where to turn next.

A friend and colleague of mine Tom Maher, life coach and guru extraordinaire, wrote a terrific article on his blog recently about the word “certainty.” I have pasted most of it below after making a few initial comments. This article is part of my continuing series where I partner with great folks worldwide to look at other resiliency perspectives.

As I continue to adapt my resiliency speaking, writing and consulting business to market conditions, I have certainly made a mistake or two along the way probably preventing me from acting on an opportunity right in front of my face. As I continue to be resiliently patient with my life long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I know I’ve made mistakes on ways to better treat it.

What if all of us had the certainty that no matter the honest mistake, nothing that you (legally) do would be irreversibly bad? O.K., I am not in the Twilight Zone or anything, but just the thought increases my confidence (and hopefully gives you pause for thought) that nothing during the day could go that bad.

What are you certain about in your life and career, and how do things typically affect you when your decisions don’t always turn out the best?

Tom’s article might make you (and me) think a bit more…

Certainty

By Tom Maher, CPCC, ACC, Performing Artists Life Coach for Musicians, Actors, Stand Up Comics & Top Models – http://www.epcoachtom.com/blog/

I want you to take a moment and decide for yourself what the word “certainty” means to you. Go ahead. I am not looking for a dictionary definition. I want you to discover YOUR definition.

When I think of certainty, I think of clarity. I think of purpose. I think of confidence. I think of confirmation and affirmation. I think of a validation of truth. I think of positivity of conviction.

In my a couple of my recent posts, I have mentioned the “Saboteur.” I have also mentioned I am reading about kabbalah. As I describe the Saboteur, kabbalah also references the voice that speaks to us in our head and calls it the Opponent. It also refers to the Opponent as Satan, (pronounced seh-TAHN), which is probably the precursor or the origin of the Judeo-Christian, Satan, (SAY-ten).

So, what does all of this have to do with certainty? Whenever we hear that voice, be it the Saboteur or the Opponent or Satan or Satan, it usually causes us to hesitate, to think twice, and to second-guess ourselves. These are not very “certain” responses. When we hesitate, we are not trusting. We are not flowing.

We are also told that he/she who hesitates is lost. Strike while the iron is hot. This is about making quick, immediate and certain decisions. This is about a confidence and a trust in us. It is about certainty.

But what if we make a “mistake?” What if we make a bad decision? What if I would suggest you could not make a mistake? What if I would suggest you could not make a bad decision?

That is exactly what Byron Katie suggests is possible in her book, Loving What Is. (And yes, she does look like Liz Taylor!) She not only suggests it is possible, she goes as far as to say you never have and never will make a bad decision in your life! Now, you may think that sounds kind of crazy, but it is definitely a new way of looking at your life and definitely worth exploring.

Here is a test: Are you alive? (I will assume that if you are reading this, your answer is “yes,” if not, I welcome all of my apparitional readers). If you have answered “yes”, you have never made a bad decision in your life. Every single decision you ever made has been a part of making you the person who you are and has brought you to my website to read these words right now.

You survived! You’ve done good! And what about every other decision you will ever make for the rest of your life? You will survive them, too! (Or, you will survive at least long enough to make them!)

Congratulations! Good job! Has it been challenging? Has it been painful? Has it been unpleasant? Most likely, you are saying, “yes” to those questions, but still, it is all a part of who you are right now! And that person is PERFECT!

I know, I know, “I wish I wouldn’t have done that,” “I wish I would have taken that chance when I had it,” “I regret this, that and the other thing.” Believe me, I hear you and I understand! The point is, if you had done anything differently, you would not be the magnificent person that you are today; the magnificent person you are MEANT to be!

The magnificent person that people need to have in their lives! Having made different decisions, you would be a different person and you are perfect exactly as you are! Any “bad decision” you will ever make is all just part of you creating for yourself the person you are meant to be! (That means it is not really a bad decision!)

That may be a little much for some of us who like to hang on to our regrets and our worries, especially if you are one of those people with a seemingly never-ending supply of “yeah, buts.”

Trust me, it feels better if you can let that all go. This way of thinking may take some getting used to, because it is not how we naturally think, nor is it how our society treats us or wants us to think. We get plenty of messages about what it will “mean” if we make a bad decision.

So how would your decision-making process change if you believed in your heart-of-hearts that you could not make a bad decision? You could not make a wrong choice? (Yes, even a “bad choice” at the racetrack offers us an opportunity to learn and to grow!) How would that free you up? What “chances” might you take if you believed in yourself that much?

I encourage you to act. I encourage you to take action. I encourage you to respond with certainty, knowing you can really do no wrong; you can handle any results of any decision you make. Try it out for a day.

Try it out for a few minutes. Just try it! With that kind of trust, there really is no point in listening to that old Saboteur, is there? It just gets in the way of us becoming who we are meant to be.

Be certain today! Act! Don’t RE-act! Be purposeful and at peace…with yourself.

Tom is a very resilient person, and he makes some persuasive points about the Saboteur. I think there is a little Saboteur in all of us. Being certain all the time would mean we are perfect. Since that is not possible for any of us, I suggest starting with one area you don’t feel confident more times than not. Don’t worry about your past mistakes. Resiliently focus on what is yet to happen.

For me, it might be understanding I might need a motorized scooter chair to “walk” longer distances some day. But also realizing how successful I have been in the past in adapting to inevitable challenges without looking back too often.

What about you? How can you keep “your” Saboteur from rearing its ugly head? This much for certain: Like Tom, I suggest the answer might help determine your future success as you define it in life or career.

Stay resilient, my friends! Look for my new resiliency e-book – on personal branding – next week on my web site (http://resiliencyfirst.com.)

 

So How Have You Overcome Your Challenges Lately?

July 5, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

There are so many inspiring resilient stories in our world. I read one recently that truly motivated me. As some of you may know, I have resiliently adapted and overcome a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) since birth. Through my 51 years, it has caused me to be very persistent, patient and persevere to be happy and successful in my life/career.

But, as I’ve said many times, many of you are far more resilient and adaptive in your own unique way then me. I’m very humbly seen as a resiliency and bullying expert worldwide, but there are so many of you that have overcome much than the cards dealt to me.

Author Linda McLean highlights one of those folks below. The article was very inspiring to me, and I know it will give you a pause for thought. I will have a few resiliency comments at the end to show how such a story can directly relate to you…

Scotland’s James Shand Sivewright (known as Shand) was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 11. By his mid-forties, he was as physically disabled as it was possible to be.

He had lost the use of his legs, and his hands and arms could not be raised. He could make little flipper like movements, but for anything practical like feeding himself, scratching his moustache – forget it.

If the belt was loosened that held him in place in his wheelchair, he would simply fall forward, even his balance now badly affected. He no longer had freedom of movement, but he possessed determination in spades. He served on many committees and gave his time and imagination to improving the lot of disabled people.

He went to America to access the technology, which would allow him some element of freedom. And he drove. He brought back to Scotland the first computerized car – now in Glasgow Museum of Transport.

The continual badgering until he broke down the barriers, and refusal to accept no as an answer was what made the Shand so unique. He was physically helpless, but he could and would prove to the world that he had a mentality of steel.

He met a nurse who shared his ideals and his vision. Together, over many years and into his fifties, they forged a path through bureaucracy, Social Work and the National Health System in Scotland. He was the first person in Scotland on direct payments – he started a pilot project in 1989.

Shand and the nurse soon realized that as his condition worsened, they were going to require help. What to do, now that he was on a ventilator? Who would be able to work with such things, and accept the responsibility?

The plan was formed. She would buy a house, and provide him with care and accommodation.  He would rent the necessary accommodation from her.

They would advertise for staff and she would train them in all things pertinent.

He would, as always, direct operations when it came to his environment.

They found an 1870-circa bungalow, which would allow conversion without too much difficulty. They planned the conversion, and recruited staff ranging from students to unemployed single mothers.

None had a nursing background. Many had been long-term unemployed. They all required tuition and training.

Every last one of them said, at the end, “It was the best job I ever had.”

So Many Winners

The house’s architect spent a great deal of time on research. He befriended Shand to bring about the right design. Social workers learnt a great deal about independent living.

Shand gained because he was in control of his situation. All staff were interviewed, chosen by and under contract to him. He could reprimand them if necessary, and dismiss them if required. It was a challenge for him to slot the correct person into the right job. He gained socially, as there was always an escort to take him to meetings, shopping, hospital appointments, etc. It allowed full social integration, as he enjoyed the freedom to attend dinner parties or barbeques with his friends.

The staff gained, because they learnt a huge array of skills. With no nursing background, they required intensive training on delivering care and being a personal assistant.  Shand taught them of the difficulties that society created and they became much more aware of the disabled individual. Gradually, issues were taken on board, and if it was important to Shand, it became important to them. He taught them to cut grass, hedges, maintain his pond. They glistened with their new-found confidence.

The National Health Service gained through a patient was being looked after in the community at a fraction of the cost of his care in a nursing home or high dependency unit, and there was no bed blocking.

The community nurses gained from having a patient in the community, who was being looked after without any strain on their service. They had a patient who could teach them how community care could be done.

His nurse developed a vision of how things could be. She could use all of her skills and also teach procedures and methods, while Shand had his own area of responsibility – if it was just kept simple.  There was no need for grandiose words, case conferences and other initiatives. You simply dealt with what was required, in the manner Shand wanted it done. Nothing could be simpler.

It is important to realize that in creating such a model, there is investment not only in employment and education but also in health and social work. A skilled band of people will emerge, who are capable of learning a tremendous amount, alleviating stress and supporting in many complex ways.

After reading Linda’s article several months ago, I decided to look at the doubts I had in life and my career. While moments still challenge me, I make mistakes and sometimes doubt myself, Shand’s story taught me to be even more persistent, patient and determined to allow me to believe in myself.

What about you? What events or people have prevented you from fully realizing your potential, hope and dreams. Shand had a lot to overcome.

All of us can do it to if we only believe in ourselves more consistently and continue to dream – instead of making excuses and settling for what we think can only be…

Thank you Shand for showing us a different road.

I’ll be adding my second resiliency e-book on my sight in the next week or so, and a couple national radio show interviews on resiliency. I look forward to continue talking with you and thanks for your continued support!

Photo By: JaviC

Dusting Yourself Off Key To Overcoming Life’s Doubts And Setbacks

June 27, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Why do we doubt ourselves? Why do we let setbacks overly influence our future actions? Why do we let other people sometimes ruin our day? Why is it sometimes hard to dust ourselves off and get back in the game?

Well, for one thing, we are human. Our confidence in ourselves sometimes wavers no matter if we are the most successful CEO in the world, or someone looking for their next great work adventure.

But, more succinctly, all of us have hopes, dreams and expectations for ourselves that are met many times in life but then there are those moments you throw up your hands and wonder why…

More than not, our true resilient success depends on how we react to those few significant wavering moments allowing us to feel good about ourselves even during the most challenging moments.

Examples:

You are about to close on this multi-million dollar account cementing your increased status at company XYZ. A friend finished a fantastic job interview that could not have gone any better that day. Another friend just completed a month-long work assignment feeling confident and refreshed. The three of you stop at the local pub and have a cool one to share the moment.

Managing Expectations

- You meet the next day with the client ready to sign the deal but unexpected complications come up possibly jeopardizing what you’ve worked so hard for.

- Your friend meets with his supervisors but doesn’t get the terrific response he thought about the project he just completed. He comes out of the meeting a bit mystified that a project potentially saving the company a lot of money was treated matter-of-factly

- Your other friend waits for the company to call for the next interview, which it said for sure would happen in a couple of days. She write a very gracious “thank you” e-mail to the interviewers but nothing happens that day…the next day…or three weeks out even after politely e-mailing them a second time for an update. Then, finally, they called back and said another candidate was a “better fit.” Her world comes crashing down…at least for the moment.

All of us have been in similar situations in life…been there, done that. From personal experience, the key for you and your friends is to truly know how to manage your expectations…

You and your friends should have received better. What could all three of you done differently or better? Absolutely Nothing!!!

Most of us believe that – if we work hard enough – we are ultimately in control of our own fate. Partially, this is, of course, true. Hard work, determination, grit and adaptability will allow all of us to go far in our careers and lives.

But I submit there are only three things you can totally control in your lives. They are your attitude, your values and how you relate to people. That’s it!

This, by no means, should be taken as a downer. Those three encompass the fabric of our lives…

I will get off my “soap box” but the point is you cannot control the actions of others. You can control how you manage your own thought process and getting too concerned over the semantics of life. Yes, the companies in all circumstances should have responded differently…but they did not.

The point is to move on and not dwell on the things out of your control.

A personal example is how I react to my lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy). I could submit to the challenges of walking and doing the normal things all of us do – especially as I go further into my 50s.

I could sit and do northing and blame the world for hardships as you have had in your own unique circumstances. But I don’t. Sure, I may get mad that I can’t walk 10 miles anymore, or that my back is a piece of work. Can I truly and ultimately control such challenges? Absolutely not. Can I dust myself off and continue to play the game of life? You bet!

So, the next time work does not go quite right that day, your significant other bugs you for some reason, or your confidence goes in the tank, please remember: Your attitude, values and how you relate to people are your keys to stop from slipping into the black hole of despair.

Please stay strong my friends. Until next time, take care!

 

 

Tapping Into Your Personal Brand Allows Sustained Success At Work and Life

June 20, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

As I launch my second resiliency e-book, “Join the Likes of Bill Gates and Donald Trump as To Successfully Branding Your Work And Life Talents” very soon, I wanted to give you a sample excerpt. Check out my books at http://resiliencyfirst.com. Thanks for already making my first resiliency book a success.

————————————————–

Performing a job to make enough money to buy a house that is too big, a car that is too fancy, or just to truly enjoy that much-deserved vacation. All of us make money for different reasons. What many of us also have in common is that making money is sometimes more important than the passion we have for our current job or career. We have all been there.

I’ve always wondered: Why can’t we have a job that we love and make the amount of money we need at the same time? Well, you know what? We can.

All of us have unique talents and capabilities that set us apart from anyone else in the world. Like a fingerprint, these personal brand components identify and define us in all facets of our lives.

It takes the confidence, determination and passion to understand your personal brand and how to use it to your advantage. I am the first one to admit that my life confidence wavers sometimes. As a person who grew up with a physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) I was relentlessly teased by kids because of my differences. Even at age 51, some of those scars can still rear their ugly marks and cause me to periodically lose my confidence in some situations.

No matter my issues, though, I always have to take hold of my life and career confidently or I will not succeed. Whether I am passive or proactive, I do my best to find work that I can be truly passionate.

Sometimes, it is easier said than done. As you assess your personal brand, please think through the following suggestions and try to apply each to your work (or even personal) situation.

Having Confidence To Do You Really Want?

- Personal branding truly means having consistent confidence in you. In my 25+-year work career, I’ve had countless successes and a few challenges along the way. When I’ve had challenges with my physical disability, career and/or life, I have found the most important key is to have trust in myself.

This unyielding confidence to successfully pull through any situation has been important for me – whether I have smacked my head against a granite floor after tripping, or had a huge success with a work situation.

- As I said, maintaining at least a baseline of confidence in good and not so good times is THE most important resiliency/adaptability factor that allows me to continue my work and life everyday.

- Life has had its moments where I’ve wanted to shut the world out because I’ve momentarily lacked the confidence in myself. This may have been because I had just tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and fallen. (My balance is sometimes affected by my physical disability – Cerebral Palsy.) Or, I just had a conversation with my daughter that I knew could have gone better. Or, I had just recently been laid of from a wonderful job I truly loved.

- All of us have such issues – great and small – we face everyday. They can truly affect the confidence in us. To help maintain resilience, I have highlighted below a few of my successful confidence strategies that you may want to apply to your everyday needs.

I’d suggest you think about the following, and try at least one strategy soon to help stay resilient and confident. Because remember: Your most important personal brand asset is you.

- Finding one positive about you each day. O.K., I am not positive about myself all the time. I’d almost have to be robotic and be programmed. But, every day, I try to find at least one thing I did very well the previous day. This may be helping a colleague network to find a better job, knowing I treated my daughter fairly in a conversation about improving her grades, or (simply) that I exercised and liked the way my body reacted. What is one simple or complex action yesterday that you felt confident about in your life?

- Stop sweating the small stuff. I try to avoid sweating the daily small stuff that may lead me to lose a bit of confidence in myself. Whether that may be not worrying I am a couple minutes late for a meeting because I hurt my back getting out of the car, not getting one of my Top Five list of things done I promised myself, or forgetting to pet my wonderful dogs as I leave for work. Developing an effective personal brand also means knowing what you can truly control. Without this understanding, you will not get mission-critical items accomplished and people will see you in a lesser light. What small stuff will you try to avoid to keep your confidence on the right level each day?

- Liking You. I am the first one to admit that I don’t always like myself every minute of every day. I make mistakes I regret, I don’t always see possibilities when they are in front of my face, or I am just having a bad hair day. Maintaining a consistent personal brand does not mean that we need to be perfect.

No matter what happens, though, I always remember what is truly important in my life – loving my beautiful wife, teaching my wonderful daughter the values she will carry throughout her life, or talking with the great friends I have had for so many years. Such examples are keys to being happy with myself and successfully getting past certain times where I don’t always see myself in the best light. Thus, I am building and maintaining the inner workings of my individual resiliency and personal brand.

- What do you like about yourself? I suggest thinking through such questions, and trying to maintain the right amount of confidence in all parts of your life. There will always be days where your confidence wanes and your resiliency disappears. But just remember the love and emotional value of your family and friends, and the good that you do at work and throughout your life. Your personal brand depends on it!

A famous philosopher once said: “Maintaining one’s confidence and finding your true passions are ultimately the gift of liking yourself no matter what external factors get in the way.”

Especially at work, finding your niche or passion may mean staying happy and successful in a job while making enough money to enjoy the important things in life. Knowing this will help you define your “spot on” personal brand that can increase your resiliency in so many positive ways.

So, what is your passion or niche? Your personal brand can help you define your unique niche…

Please, again, take a look at my newest resiliency book at http://resiliencyfirst.com. Thanks for your support and tune in next week when my newest book will most likely be coming out.

Photo By: stefano principato

 

Minimizing “Too Oftens” Helps Your Resiliency Overcome Second-Guess Career/Life Moments

June 13, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Ed. Note: Before I highlight my “too often” resiliency article this week, please click on my brand new resiliency book, A Healthy Blend Of Managing Your Life/Career Despite 66 Things That Get In The Way at http://resiliencyfirst.com.

——————————————————————————–

Too often, many of us second-guess ourselves without really knowing why. Is it because we don’t have confidence in our decisions, others intercede to point out the negatives rather than the positives of a decision, we have not thought through the situation enough, so we don’t believe we have made the “right” move? The list goes on…

Whatever the factors, typically our resilience can become less or at least sidetracked when we don’t believe in ourselves. Yes, most of us can become discouraged…

We have all been there. Sometimes we are reminded that life is not always a bowl of cherries and a winning lottery ticket. Or in the real world, a personal relationship has gone south, your child is tragically walking down the wrong path, or your work situation is just not where you want it to be right now.

All of us get discouraged once in awhile…it’s only human. A particular day also might not be going well because you had a challenging conversation with your spouse, children, your boss, or just your biorhythms are a bit out of whack.

I believe the resilient key is to not let such discouragement become a pattern that you can’t seem to escape. Rarely let the “too oftens” become to often.

It is definitely hard internally and then you see the headlines about those brave folks recovering from the horrible tornados in the south and Midwest, you see foreign government indiscriminately killing their own citizens, or friends falling through the cracks still hoping for a better tomorrow. And we ask why? Whether they are caused by us or some outside factors, life is not always fair.

That’s where our own unique resiliency strategies kick into high gear. All of us have them. You know the ones I mean: Adaptability, not focusing on negatives, perseverance, persistence and patience. There are many, many more each of us use every day.

But we still ask “why?” and then we start driving down the “too often” path. I wish I had weegie board and I could give you an answer for such saddening tragedies. But say this from experience: Getting too discouraged about you or external factors can creep up slowly without obvious signs and truly level you with one big swoop.

An example of mine: Because of my physical disability (Cerebral Palsy) I have to be very careful that my creaky body does not lead me to falling or otherwise “hurting” myself in some other way. This can become very discouraging if I don’t maintain my resilience. In a previous article, I mentioned my inner resiliency voice that has helped me pull through such discouraging life moments – such as smacking my head on a marble floor after a fall in front of work colleagues, or needing stitches after a similar spill many years ago.

How do you deal with discouraging or the “too often” moments in your life and career? Do you too often let it affect all parts of your day thus perpetuating the discouragement into something less healthy? I truly hope not. If you do, then other parts of my day don’t seem to go as planned, and the discouragement and apprehensiveness will grow.

To minimize such tendencies, I began several years ago to become much more “compartmentalized.” If one part of my day did not go particularly well, I’d quite literally shut the door to that compartment for awhile and open another resilient door I am dealing with currently.

This is how I deal with me and external craziness like the Arizona shootings…

I found, of course, it is definitely easier said than done. I’m still not perfect at it, and sometimes a creaky door or two doesn’t firmly shut. But having this mindset allows me to have a life/career strategy that is more healthy and resilient for me. What are your strategies to stop dwelling on things sometimes out of your control?

What I’ve learned, which I suggest you think about, is don’t lump all your worries, challenges and discouraging thoughts into one overwhelming “too often” compartment, Instead, find ways to break up these moments into smaller, more manageable subsets that you can deal with individually and not as a collective whole.

Instead of dwelling on things, you may want to think about what I’ve done in times of sadness: I used my compartmentalization model to get successfully through such “too often” moments. I did this when I was laid off two years ago because of the economy, and it helped me start a humbly successful resiliency business that is helping great folks like you look at themselves a bit more resiliently.

I also have shut my physically-disabled door as much as I know how to do with all of its musty and creaky hinges and truly make a difference in this world with my writings, presentations, videos and web site – http://resiliencyfirst.com attracting nearly 3 million folks worldwide so far. Like you, discouragement still happens once in awhile, but they don’t usually dominate me as they once did.

My advice is don’t let discouraging moments overwhelm you. Try to find ways to separate those moments from the other terrific parts of your life. My very dear father died a number of years ago but I kept on – albeit more lonely.

I also have been able to bounce back from – what seems like – hundreds of other discouraging moments in life to be wonderfully married for nearly 27 years to a beautiful able-bodied wife. And I have a 15 year old (sometimes drama queen) daughter who has also brought so many great things into my life.

What are some terrific things in your life? Rely on these when those inevitable discouraging “too often” moments happen. Because, whether you are Bill Gates or Steve Beseke, they do happen.

Never feel too discouraged. You bring a unique and marvelous perspective to our world, and you deserve to stay resilient no matter what life holds for you!

Stay strong my friends and believe in yourself! Thanks for all your support – http://resiliencyfirst.com.

 

 

Our Resiliency Works Best When Focusing on Strengths Instead of Weaknesses

June 6, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Like my career and life resiliency articles? Check out my most recent e-book: “A Healthy Blend Of Managing Your Life And Career Despite 66 Things That Get In The Way” on this site – http://resiliencyfirst.com.

Many of us spend far too much time on what we could have done, or thinking about our perceived personal and professional weaknesses.

To stay resilient in these challenging times, all of us need to focus on our strengths as a person, spouse, parent, friend and co-worker. This is especially true for many of us who have had to re-brand ourselves because of the recession since 2009, which hopefully is losing steam just a bit.

Adapting to new challenges always means looking at ways we can be a better person. But focusing on the past and any weakness(es) you see in yourself will diminish the fantastic person that you are everyday.

All of us have tremendous personal and professional strengths – and, of course, a few weaknesses sprinkled in along the way.

As hard working employees and terrific people in life, we want to feel great about our work without waiting for the next crisis to hit.

A study has shown workers can improve their strengths by up to 30 percent. If they use the same amount of time to improve their weaknesses, they can only get less than a 10 percent improvement rate.

I have found my greatest work success in the corporate world when I focus on what I do best. I know that is easier said than done with client expectations.

When I was asked many years ago to create layoff communications plan that would affect my work friends – and ultimately me – the first draft was not seen as not “hard enough.”

I took the critique and used my strengths of adaptability to re-craft a more direct yet sensitive plan that was implemented.

The workplace and life point: Unless you lack some core skills, I suggest not worrying as much your weaknesses. Spend at least 80 percent of the time demonstrating your strengths to your working world.

Finding common ground should also be one of our strengths as a person and co-worker.

Sounds easy, doesn’t it? All of us should be on the same page especially at work. It only makes sense…

Are you and your company truly on the same page? Do you understand what your supervisors expect from you? These trigger points can break down our strengths of accomplishment, happiness and content we need in our jobs – and, more importantly, in life.

On a personal level, I’ve had to be very strong in the common ground department in my life – especially as I was growing up.

Just a little background about me: Through the second grade, I was enrolled in a very nice crippled school for children in southeast Minneapolis. Back in the 60s, that is what they called such schools. It taught me a lot but the school softened many of the blows in life. My parents, however, wanted me to achieve my potential whatever that may be.

So, they mainstreamed me into a “normal” elementary school in the third grade and I went through years of tremendous emotional teasing like, “Why do you walk so funny,” or, “You should go back where you came from” and much worse.

Although I cried myself to sleep many nights and my parents were always there for me, I remember – even at that age – thinking that I was not going to let this emotional bullying destroy my inner-strength as a person. I had to find some common ground in my approach to kids. My solution: I stood up for myself but I never got into fights even though my left side of my body was very, very strong.

I became tougher and used such strengths to overcome life obstacles myself because of it, which helped in high school and my humbly successful career as a corporate communications executive for nearly 30 years. And now as an international speaker and writer on resiliency.

In high school, particularly, I was dating a very pretty able-bodied girl. What she saw in me I was not sure.:~) But I took her to a movie one evening. (I don’t remember the movie because I was focused on her.)

After the movie, I went into the bathroom where an upper classmate cornered me saying, “ You have no right to be dating this girl…you need to stick to your own kind” – meaning someone with a disability. A couple weeks later his friend came up to me and said, “I see you are taking these advanced classes. You don’t need to do that since your kind only does menial work anyway.”

In both these instances, I could have gone ballistic or shrank like a wilted flower. Instead, I found my strength in applying a common ground approach and confidently standing up for myself. I did not receive any more of these comments, which I hope, in part, was because of the way I strongly and skillfully handled these situations.

The workplace and life point: You may not always get along with someone at work or school. But, for your benefit, you need to find common ground to do what is best for you.

That is why this week I encourage you to think about one strength you see in yourself and how this positively affects your life. In fact, when you wake up in the mornings this week, let’s all try to remember this strength and the good people that we are.

Resiliency and adaptability are sometimes putting the past in perspective and creating a sense of future hope. Identifying your strengths will highlight the terrific assets you bring everyday to yourself, family and friends.

I heard someone say once: “You can’t always fix your weaknesses but you can definitely improve on your strengths.” Focusing too much on weaknesses will expend far more needed resilient energy than continually showing the world your true strengths.

Highlighting these strengths allow each of us to tackle the variety of daily issues we face – and the uncertainty all of us may have in this economic perfect storm.

Thanks so much for your support and I hope you are having a resilient day!

Photo By: Bharfot

 

Your Resilience: Let’s Play…Really?

June 1, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

As I launched my first resiliency e-book, “A Healthy Blend Of Managing Your Life/Career Despite 66 Things That Get In The Way,” last week on this web site (http://resiliencyfirst.com), I reflected on how we apply our life and career resilience. We, of course, use it to overcome obstacles, stay confident and deal with other life challenges that inevitably come up.

Additionally, a great friend reminded me that resiliency is just as much about successfully and humbly handling our good times, including finding time to play. Play, you say? We, as adults, are far too busy to act like a 7-year-old. Right? Well…

Please read my psychologist friend Carolien Moors’ terrific article about “play” below. Her site is http://www.caromoors.blogspot.com/. (This is the first in a series of periodic articles where I partner with colleagues and friends worldwide to highlight unique perspectives on our resilience…)

Carolien writes: Play is often thought of as the domain of children and animals. Playing is good when you’re young, but in our fast-paced, rapidly developing, over-competitive world play is often considered a waste of time. In addition, many think it’s foolish to play and fool around. You just don’t do that.

Well, that’s a real waste of precious activity. Because play is crucial to our lives, our health, our liveliness, our resilience and innovation and so much more. And play is so much. It’s joking, rough-housing, playing sports, playing with the dog, board games, music, theater… You get the picture.

Inspired by a recent lecture on play at the University of Minnesota by Stuart Brown, here are a few characteristics and benefits of play. For more reading I refer you to Brown’s book “Play – How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.”

Play

Ingredient for creativity and innovation, tool to rejuvenate, and a way to let go and have fun.

Play

Is a state of mind, rather than an activity? Sometimes running is play, sometimes it’s not, like when you’re afraid and running to escape, or when you’re running away angrily.

Play

A great way to stumble upon new behaviors, thoughts, strategies, movements, or ways of being.

Play

Frees you from established patterns.

Play

Teaches you to make sound judgments.

Play

Lets you learn about the environment and the rules of engagement with friend and foe.

Play

Lets you imagine and experience situations you have never encountered before and learn from them.

Play

Lets you create possibilities that have never existed but may in the future. You make new cognitive connections that find their way into your everyday life.

Play

Creates an arena for social interaction and learning. It allows you to learn lessons and skills without being directly at risk.

Play

Has you create imaginative new cognitive combinations and in creating those novel combinations you find what works.

Play

Creates new neural connections and tests them.

As Stuart Brown stated so clearly: “If we stop playing, we share the fate of all animals that grow out of play. Our behavior becomes fixed. We are not interested in new and different things. We find fewer opportunities to take pleasure in the world around us.

Wow, Carolien! Resilience is more than just dealing with the grind that sometimes bogs many of us down. Play, in fact, is something special, something good and, most of all, something healthy for all of us in this increasingly complex world.

I need to pet my dogs more, watch some waves lapping against a lakeshore, take a drive in my Mustang GT, dream of Hawaiian retirement, set my iPhone down, or just simply meditating for a few minutes more each day. How about you?

Thanks again for reading my resiliency articles, and please download my newest resiliency book on the front page of my site – http://resiliencyfirst.com.

 

Power And Control At Center Of School And Workplace Bullying

May 22, 2011

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com

Toddlers and babies smile as much as 400 times a day…

Sometimes tragically, being bullied in school or at work can take your smile and life away – very sadly sometimes literally in today’s world.

The heart-wrenching stories you see in the news of those particularly being bullied at school remind me of darker days in my life when kids tried to exert power and control by telling me how funny I walked, that I should go back where I came from and that I don’t belong with “normal” people like them. Or, that I should not date an able-bodied high school girl and stick with my own kind, or even being told by a classmate not to take advanced high school because my kind only does menial work anyway.

We’ve all been teased in our lives, but when I now see kids committing suicide and other kids being charged for their hate – or at least non-understanding – I have to hang my head in shame. Not much has changed since I went to school in the late 60s and early 70s, except access has even increased through the Internet. We find kids being emotionally and physically bullied, online, in school, on the playground and most everywhere else in society.

In painting such a disturbing picture, there is a lot of hope for kids who can maneuver through those sometimes very hurtful mind fields. Whether it is someone not the prettiest or most handsome, those who get teased and bullied because of their weight, others having to dodge the pitiful “hate mail” associated with sexual orientation, or someone like me who has a noticeable physical disability (Cerebral Palsy). The never-ending list can go on and you can fill in other unique examples.

And we all ask, “Why?”

Is it because all these kids are jerks? Of course not. Is it because society teaches us to prey on those with differences? Probably not. Is it because kids get “carefully taught” by their parents or relatives to not associate with those different from them? Possibly so. Is it because there is no ongoing societal value to truly treat people as you want to be treated? More than likely yes. Or, is it overtly or sublimely taught through the actions of others that achieving power and control is the best and easiest way to garner some undefined satisfaction/advantage with others. Absolutely yes.

As I was cornered in that movie bathroom, the real message I got from that upper classmate was he wanted to exert some power and control over me separate from his “don’t date this girl” phrase. If you let them have this power over you, it’s sometimes a very lonely/scary path to try to walk through.

I never let this happen. I am no Ghandi or anything but I confidently stood up for myself in such situations and never let them feel like they had the upper hand. Folks might ask, “Didn’t they push you around?” NO. My attitude since I was 9 was that I was going to stand up for myself…CONFIDENTLY. Once bullies see that they have not achieved that power and control over you, they move on to the next unfortunate person.

Although I was never physically bullied, this type of emotional bullying takes it toll. I definitely had my wonderful parents support, but such bullying did not reduce the hurt many nights when I was nine, 10, 11 or 12 crying myelf to sleep some nights.

For some, the emotional and/or physical abuse tragically becomes too great. I was scared many times but I was not going to let a couple classmates win. I needed to stay strong for myself even though my physical disability did not let me blend in with the crowd

Sadly, such emotional abuse does not end for some when they get out of school. While I have rarely experienced it, bullying at work takes the shape of intimidation and manipulation – the two main components of power and control.

A friend told me once of a boss he had who used intimidation techniques to try to get more output from his staff. He would ridicule staff in meetings and belittle them in front of others. The idea: The more scared they became the harder they’d work for their job survival. For some of you, that probably sounds familiar. The boss was probably a bullier from way back to his school days where he had some success with it.

The folly is that you might get short-term employee results but over time a number of things will happen: Employees productivity will nose dive because of the unbearable stress, they may see through the manipulation, find ways to tune out the flack, or find a better place to work. None of these are good news for the boss or his company!

So, the next time you see someone trying to exert power and control over you unfairly, please just don’t submit. Whether at school or at work, your life is too important for others to define it. Whether you think it or not, you have the ultimate power and control to shape your destiny as you define it.

While I have made many, many life mistakes, proactively dealing with bullying has not one of them. You can also join this resilient journey for yourself, if you only believe…

And then, we can start smiling again!

Stay resilient, my friends and look for my newest resiliency e-book coming out this week on my site!!!

Photo By: by leviandrachel

« Older Posts
Newer Posts »