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Hindsight Is A Word That Can Derail Our Sense Of Future If We Are Not Careful

February 19, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Workplace Educator at Lennick Aberman Group (Please check out my latest work and life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

The word, “hindsight,” is used a lot by many of us who think we could have done something differently (usually better) in life or at work. Then, of course, circumstances would have been more advantageous for us, or at least something should have happened differently we think would have benefited us just a little more. Right? Well…

Like me, I am sure you can think of at least a few hindsight examples in your own life and career that you might have done differently. This, however, can lead you down a slippery road.

I’ve been thinking about such “woulda, coulda, shouldas” recently as my health has turned south just a bit to where a couple back operations will be needed in the next few months to allow me to be close to “Steve normal” again.

Should I have had similar operations 10 years ago? Would the right foot orthotic I am wearing now made a significant difference if only I had got it earlier in life? Could I have been better to myself?

I wrote an article a couple years back that explored the “W,C, S” in all of us. Have you ever thought in your career or life: “What could I have accomplished in my life if only…,” or, “I should have taken this direction but didn’t,” or, “If only I would have made this decision, my career and life might be different. 

All of us face these “woulda, coulda, shouldas” throughout our lives. There are decisions I have made that I sometimes regret and opportunities missed because I did not see them. But I have never let those moments –  including my momentary health issues now – define me. There have been countless other times I have made the right calls in my life and career and benefited immensely from them.

Hindsight is really about how we behave – with ourselves. We did what we thought best at the time and we can’t look back. If we do, our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth might travel down that windy road of “woulda, coulda, shouldas.”

 I’ve been able to jump over these obstacles in the road because I try very hard to stay in the present and not look back. A friend of mine said of himself: “Looking back has always been a challenge for me because I nearly always paint myself in less resilient light and see more negativity than not.”

As I’ve talked with thousands of good folks like you each week, I sense that many of you also sometimes focus on such life challenges or negatives.  Let’s face it: We all do at some points in our lives. 

The key I have found is not letting these past moments torment you moving forward. Instead, all of us should celebrate the wonderful resilience that makes us very successful and worthwhile to all those within our orbit.

 Staying resilient, especially during challenging times personally or professionally, can be very hard 

Like me, you might be going through a health issue, possibly a career challenge, or know someone very dear who is fighting through life’s ups and downs.

For me, and maybe you, such challenges affect how we like ourselves, and the confidence to look past those inevitable obstacles. Whether we are struggling with our health, at our jobs, or continue trying to be successful in our personal relationships, the past can sometimes affect how we react to our future.

On a personal level, I’ve had to deal with a life-long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), and it has caused me to lose confidence many times in my life. While I don’t see my disability now as an insurmountable negative, it can challenge how I view myself if I am not careful.

Especially during these winter months and my current health obstacles, I just have to be very disciplined when walking on snow or ice or I may lose my balance and fall.

 All of us have our own set of unique circumstances, and I don’t talk about my disability to seek your empathy. I do bring my life up because it shows we need to balance our perceived negatives in a way that allows us an avenue to be successful – not dwelling on the “woulda, coulda, shouldas” too often.

 One life strategy I have found to overcome such life or career obstacles is to compartmentalize my difficult moments. 

This might work in your own unique life situations. You may want to try shutting/locking a particular compartment door in your mind for awhile if a perceived negative or past burden becomes too much to handle. You can’t avoid the door again but you can compensate by finding another part of my life going well – whether it is life or career related.

One way I am overcoming in addition to my fantastic family’s support: I’ve joined this terrific behavioral advice firm, Lennick Aberman Group – www.lennickaberman.com. This is allowing me to see such a bright and wonderful future in offering more of my resilient programming/messaging worldwide.

Such “other compartments” have helped build my confidence back up again where I can deal with that troubling health door. Unduly losing confidence in my future because of this health occurrence has been a creaky door that I’ve dead bolted these days.

What about you? Finding your new or existing “doors” to prop open might be the best resilient gift you can give yourself. Such pathways like sharing a quiet and gentle moment your wonderful spouse or significant other, or prying open that stubborn door of finding something to do in common with your teenager…this list can go on and on.

Then, 10 years from now, you won’t be kicking yourself because you could have done this or should have done that.

I’m having a great life, and I am not kicking myself that I could have done this or should have done this with my health. If I would have done something earlier, it might have potentially worked out less promising than my upcoming procedures this year.

There are no guarantees that the “wouldas” would have been any better for any of us.

The piece I also have learned and I hope you see for yourself, too… Never look back and I say, “I should have done this.” Instead, look forward and say, “I believe the best is yet to come in my life.”

This gives you – and me – the sense of hope that the “W, C. S” can never take away!

Thanks so much for your continued readership! Please, again, check out my latest work and life e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By: j doso

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hindsight is really about how we behave – with ourselves. We did what we thought best at the time and we can’t look back. If we do, our self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth might travel down that windy road of “woulda, coulda, shouldas.”

 

I’ve been able to jump over these obstacles in the road because I try very hard to stay in the present and not look back. A friend of mine said of himself: “Looking back has always been a challenge for me because I nearly always paint myself in less resilient light and see more negativity than not.”

 

As I’ve talked with thousands of good folks like you each week, I sense that many of you also sometimes focus on such life challenges or negatives.  Let’s face it: We all do at some points in our lives.

 

The key I have found is not letting these past moments torment you moving forward. Instead, all of us should celebrate the wonderful resilience that makes us very successful and worthwhile to all those within our orbit.

 

Staying resilient, especially during challenging times personally or professionally, can be very hard.

 

Like me, you might be going through a health issue, possibly a career challenge, or know someone very dear who is fighting through life’s ups and downs.

 

For me, and maybe you, such challenges affect how we like ourselves, and the confidence to look past those inevitable obstacles. Whether we are struggling with our health, at our jobs, or continue trying to be successful in our personal relationships, the past can sometimes affect how we react to our future.

 

On a personal level, I’ve had to deal with a life-long physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), and it has caused me to lose confidence many times in my life. While I don’t see my disability now as an insurmountable negative, it can challenge how I view myself if I am not careful.

 

Especially during these winter months and my current health obstacles, I just have to be very disciplined when walking on snow or ice or I may lose my balance and fall.

 

All of us have our own set of unique circumstances, and I don’t talk about my disability to seek your empathy. I do bring my life up because it shows we need to balance our perceived negatives in a way that allows us an avenue to be successful – not dwelling on the “woulda, coulda, shouldas” too often.

 

One life strategy I have found to overcome such life or career obstacles is to compartmentalize my difficult moments.

 

This might work in your own unique life situations. You may want to try shutting/locking a particular compartment door in your mind for awhile if a perceived negative or past burden becomes too much to handle. You can’t avoid the door again but you can compensate by finding another part of my life going well – whether it is life or career related.

 

One way I am overcoming in addition to my fantastic family’s support: I’ve joined this terrific behavioral advice firm, Lennick Aberman Group – www.lennickaberman.com. This is allowing me to see such a bright and wonderful future in offering more of my resilient programming/messaging worldwide.

 

Such “other compartments” have helped build my confidence back up again where I can deal with that troubling health door. Unduly losing confidence in my future because of this health occurrence has been a creaky door that I’ve dead bolted these days.

 

What about you? Finding your new or existing “doors” to prop open might be the best resilient gift you can give yourself. Such pathways like sharing a quiet and gentle moment your wonderful spouse or significant other, or prying open that stubborn door of finding something to do in common with your teenager…this list can go on and on.

 

Then, 10 years from now, you won’t be kicking yourself because you could have done this or should have done that.

 

I’m having a great life, and I am not kicking myself that I could have done this or should have done this with my health. If I would have done something earlier, it might have potentially worked out less promising than my upcoming procedures this year.

 

There are no guarantees that the “wouldas” would have been any better for any of us.

 

The piece I also have learned and I hope you see for yourself, too… Never look back and I say, “I should have done this.” Instead, look forward and say, “I believe the best is yet to come in my life.”

 

This gives you – and me – the sense of hope that the “W, C. S” can never take away!

 

Thanks so much for your continued readership! Please, again, check out my latest work and life e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

 

Are You Living Up To the Resilient Life and Work Expectations Of #1?

February 13, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Workplace Educator, Lennick Aberman Group (Please check out my newest resiliency at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

Too often, we worry unnecessarily about living up to expectations of others. What type of job do we have, house we own, car we drive, and vacation we have taken lately…the list can go on and on These are the type of status symbols society identifies as ways “we have made it.”

But have we really? Most importantly, are we living up to the resilient expectations of ourselves?

Do we believe in ourselves? Are we happy with who we are? Can we overcome life challenges without sliding down the slippery slope of despair, lost hope and even destructive actions to ourselves? Those of us who can answer these types of resilient questions in a positive and resilient way are the ones who have truly made it.

I was thinking about these questions after I heard of the unfortunate, tragic death of Pop music icon Whitney Houston over the weekend.

On the surface, she had everything. Fame, fortune and a wonderful singing voice that could only compare to the likes of Barbra Streisand. Yet, there seemed to be something missing inside that led her to drugs and other destructive behavior…and probably not living up to her own expectations.

Whitney was a shining star…gone far, far too soon.

But it doesn’t matter if you are Whitney Houston, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or some like you or me. Why can’t we sit down and smell the roses once in a while and realize what a wonderful life we have?

Not doing this once in awhile, as I have found recently, leads to unnecessary stress and thinking much less about our health, well-being or what’s truly best for us inside. Instead, we worry too much about, “How can I make more money?” “What can I buy next?” or “How can I please someone else?” These questions seem to dominate, at least, American culture these days.

Here’s the kicker and what we/you should be thinking about: Do you truly appreciate what you have? Do you like yourself? Do you believe in yourself? Do you listen to your inner voice as it tries to say, “Stop focusing always on the external world…focus on what is best for you…”?

While I have a lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy), I have not always appreciated what I have inside me… always trying to be as normal as can be no matter what. The resiliency of my adaptability, my perseverance, my persistence, my patience and my ability to overcome are sometimes taken for granted by me. If I lose my balance and fall, for example, I just get up, dust myself off and start walking again without listening to my inner voice. My inner voice that says, “What is happening and why are you falling more?”

I have been far more concerned about my next appointment, growing my business, or making sure my wonderful family can afford what they want in life. Never slow down…just keep forging ahead. Doesn’t sound so thoughtfully resilient, does it?

Sound familiar in your life? Be honest. Many of you have gone down the same path whether you have physical challenges like me or not.

What are you doing about your life and career to stay healthy emotionally and possibly physically?

My physical health has taken a beating now because of my attitude…especially as I head into my mid-50s.

I have been lucky in a sense…and probably more fortunate than Whitney and maybe some of you. Over the last two months, I was given a number of quite grave warning signs that forced me to listen to my inner voice and focus on me. Yes, me…not expectations of society or others. My falls (from walking) have increased dramatically since December, which has led to concussions and momentary paralysis. Could I fall and accidentally kill myself?

You have your own unique life challenges, but these increased falls really woke me up. I’m now going to have spinal surgeries to help eliminate the possibilities of paralysis and other more life-changing consequences. Still serious stuff, but I am listening and focusing in on what’s best for me.

I’m not suggesting you be self-centered or stop listening the expectations of others. As probably Whitney didn’t, please listen to your inner voice and make sure your life and work actions are best and most healthy for you.

Now, that’s a great and healthy expectation for yourself! As I have, I suggest you try it for a test drive…

Thanks, again, for your readership of my resiliency pieces. My newest e-book on anti-bullying will be on my web site – www.resiliencyfirst.com. Please also check out my other books, articles and videos.

I hope you are having a resilient day!

Photo By: Digger Digger Dogsta

All of Us Can Have Our Own Super Bowl Resiliency Moments…

February 6, 2012

 By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency and Worklife Educator at Lennick Aberman Group. (Check out my newest resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.)

As I was watching the Super Bowl last night, I was reminded again how football and sports in general are all about R-E-S-I-L-I-E-N-C-Y. Although Aretha Franklin is not singing this one, the game mirrored the ups and downs all of us have in our lives and careers.

One moment we see things very clearly and nobody can stop us from scoring a “touchdown” at work or in life. Then, we sometimes are overtaken by circumstances and start not making as many first downs.

Last night, the New England Patriots were probably sizing their Super Bowl rings until a finger-tip catch by a mostly unknown New York Giants wide receiver – Mario Manningham in the last two minutes spoiled their hopes Then in the next few minutes Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was throwing a desperation hail Mary pass that was not caught and time ran out. Giants win.

I was not particularly rooting for the Patriots or Giants…I’m actually a long-suffering Minnesota Vikings fan. The Vikings are O–4 in their Super Bowls…need I say more. I congratulate both teams and particularly the Giants for finding a way to win.

The workplace and life point is: All of us must deal with our own unique highs and lows as we navigate through the defensive to cross the goal line for “our touchdowns” as we define them.

That is why to effectively deal with my career and life touchdowns and interceptions, I periodically ask myself this resiliency question: What makes me the happiest about myself for that particular moment?

You know the Super Bowl MVP quarterback Eli Manning and the other Giants can answer that question quite emphatically. Even in the aftermath of a loss, though, Tom Brady and his teammates need to dig down deep and be happy they played a very good game and tried their best.

This is where the resilient strategies of adaptability, not dwelling on perceived negatives, perseverance and patience can come in quite handy.

Most of us won’t have a career as a Super Bowl quarterback, running back or coach. But I suggest all us focus on the same type of goals:

 -      To be the absolutely the best person you can be at work and in life. For us that would mean being a thoughtful work team member, a wonderful friend, a compassionate spouse, a person of character…the list goes on and on.

-      To be a person of integrity and be there when other need you.

-      To be empathetic to others and especially yourself. The Patriots are probably not happy with themselves right now. This is where the resiliency strategies I mentioned above can help so much.

None of us have to be involved in the Super Bowl to be that person people look up to, seek for advise, or just have folks think, “You are just a terrific person to be around.” But first – and I have had doubts in my life over this hurdle – you must see yourself as a fantastic person.

When I get into a funk, I ask these simple questions of myself:

- How have I truly helped be a memorable teammate at work?

- Have I been keeping my health and family first understanding that my diligence will offer me consistent self-worth and happiness?

- Have I been giving all my efforts to be there for someone who may need me?

- How have I been able to teach my teenage daughter the values that I think are important in life?

- Have I been patient and kind to myself despite, for example, my body breaking down a bit?

- What is one inspiration action someone has done today that I have learned from?

 As I overcome some significant health challenges that have reared their head recently, such questions make me focus and stay grounded. What are your questions that keep you on the right path?

I suggest it is important for you to think of those because sometimes we might figuratively or literally “lose a big game,” and have to face ourselves in the mirror the next day. And find the smaller resilient things inside that can make us get back in that life game successfully tomorrow.

Because you see: I have found work and life resiliency is more than just dealing with the big things in life – a death of a family member, securing that $1 million deal, losing one’s job, or even a Super Bowl win or loss.

It is more about those smaller things we do everyday that make us feel resiliently good about ourselves and able to adapt successfully when great things occur or unforeseen/unwanted events happen. 

My resiliency challenge for you this week is to do one thing that makes you happy, which has been off your radar screen for awhile. Maybe it is kissing your spouse or actually having a meaningful conversation with one or all of your children. Or, it may be helping a co-worker with a work project even though you are not assigned to do it. These are actions within your control and are easily doable if only you give a small portion of your time. It might mean a big difference for you!

Tom Brady might want to go out to a local playground today and see the smiles in kids faces as he greets them. While maybe not on the same level as a Super Bowl win, it will show him how much he has positively affected kids’ lives (that actually may be more important than a Super Bowl win.:)) 

For us, most importantly, we need to be a bit kinder, gentler and more humble with ourselves in “Super Bowl-type” situations we may face everyday. The may not be exactly a 4th and goal intensity, but they can affect our life’s happiness just the same…

Over time, as I have found, such actions will help build the resiliency and inner-feeling of good inside you when dealing with things not always within your control. This may be the unreasonable request from your boss, the 10-item “To Do” list at home that you never have time to do, or your car is going nuts as you need to go to an important event. This list can be long…

Such resiliency inside you, however, will allow your “Super Bowls” to not be so daunting or scary anymore…

Look forward to your comments again next week, and please check out my resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By: Collectible Legends

 

Managing Six Inches Between The Ears Is Key In Showing Our Many Strengths…

January 30, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Doctor of Life Resiliency at Lennick Aberman Group. (Check out my latest resiliency e-books on www.resiliencyfirst.com

All of us have tremendous personal and professional strengths – with a few weaknesses sprinkled in along the way. It’s how we handle both that allows us to fulfill life’s potential with our unique talents or less so…

 It really starts with those six inches or so between our ears. Instead of spending 80 percent of our time trying to improve our strengths, most of us typically spend an unhealthy percentage trying to “scale Mt. Everest…”

One of my fantastic colleagues, Doug Lennick, highlighted some very enlightened research Kim Cameron, a professor at the University of Michigan, has completed.  Professor Cameron’s “Positive Leadership: Strategies for Extraordinary Performance” book, which I suggest all of you should read for professional and personal purposes, highlights many possible life-changing findings and breakthrough strategies.

Among them, are his four Ps – positive climate, positive relationships, positive communications and positive meanings.

Each one relates to how successful we see ourselves, and how others see us. This research definitely has synergy with my resiliency control and strengths models I’ve talked about many times before. That is, the three life actions we can truly control in our lives – our attitude, our values and how we relate to people.

Over the next few months, I will occasionally write articles about his four Ps as they relate to our career and life resiliency.

Let’s start out with focusing on our strengths to nurture positive (and resilient) relationships at work and in life.

As I mentioned, one of our life actions we can ultimately control is the way we treat others and the strengths we show. And this is where Professor Cameron’s “”Positive Relationships” of building energy networks and reinforcing strengths definitely come to the forefront 

As very conscientious individuals in work and in life, we want to feel great about ourselves without waiting for the next crisis to hit.

A study has shown that we can improve our strengths by up to 30 percent. If we use the same amount of time to improve their weaknesses, we can only get less than a 10 percent improvement rate.

I have found my greatest life and work success in the corporate world and life in general to focus on what I do best. I know that is easier said than done with expectations of others.

When I was asked a few years ago to create layoff communications plans that would affect my work friends – and ultimately me – the first draft was not seen as not “hard enough.”

I took the critique and used my resilient strengths of adaptability and patience to re-craft a more direct yet sensitive plan that was implemented.

The workplace and life point: Unless you lack some core skills, I suggest not worrying as much your weaknesses. Especially in your working world, I suggest spending at least 80 percent of the time demonstrating and improving your strengths. 

It also is much easier to keep focusing on your strengths if you have very resilient and positive energy networks (as Dr. Cameron highlights) around you. As far as your resilience, this means trying to avoid as much as possible those folks who may see the glass half empty and more than not, have reasons why something won’t work.

Sounds easier to say than do. By establishing, though, positive relationships with others, you can weed out those who are probably not healthy for you to stick around – unless absolutely necessary.

A fantastic business example has happened to me very recently as I have been overcoming some fairly significant health issues stemming from my lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy).

To increase my resiliency programming reach around the world even more, I recently joined Lennick Aberman Group (LAG), a worldwide leader in corporate services for behavioral advice, emotional intelligence and moral intelligence – www.lennickaberman.com.

Unfortunately, right after joining, my highly arthritic back went nuts on me. I had several significant falls leaving me with concussions and being paralyzed for a short time.

My great friends at LAG, which is one of my positive energy networks, came through to say time after time “focus on yourself and don’t worry about anything at work…we are 100 percent behind you.” And they meant it!

In addition to my wonderful family and friends, such a positive energy network at work has allowed me to continue using my creative strengths with resiliency such as this article example. If I had a less compassionate and enthusiastic energy around me, my creativity would have been stalled because of worry (a weakness of mine) about what’s next.

As I have tried to do, I’d suggest that you redouble your efforts to establish further “energy networks” around you. You, then, can focus most of your efforts on making your life and work strengths even greater knowing there is such positive and resilient support around you. 

This will make you more content, your family happier, and show work colleagues your tremendous and unique strengths on all fronts. Such is managing those six inches the best way for you…J 

It’s such a resilient pleasure talking with you again this week. Please visit my web site for my latest resiliency e-books for your work and personal lives – www.resiliencyfirst.com. I hope you are having a resilient day!

Photo By: Spracks

 

 

Our Self-Confidence Depends On Valuing And Believing In “What’s Next”

January 24, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Consultant and Doctor of Life Resiliency at Lennick Aberman Group. (Check out my new work/life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

Having a resilient plan to determine “What’s Next” in your life and career is doubly important these days as our world continues recovering from the economic recession of the last three years.

But looking at “What’s Next” should not be confined only to our challenging moments as an employee, co-worker, supervisor, parent or friend. More importantly, it should be focused on ourselves.

In good times, it is really easy to say we can adapt to nearly all future situations. We are running on all cylinders as we recently signed the deal with three new worldwide clients. That we are flying high after our spouses received a special surprise gift from us they loved. Or, we look in the mirror on a particular day and simply say to ourselves, “life is truly a blessing and I am making a valued difference in this world.”

In my 30+ year working career and 52-year life, I’ve humbly had countless successes and wonderful times like these. Like you, it’s not hard to hope such moments will keep on coming if we see ourselves as a person of character, and a very terrific and diligent parent or worker…

Then, a few not-so-terrific life issues happen, and our self-confidence becomes shaken. And even more serious ones rear their ugly head. You wonder: Will there be truly good times again and really what is next?

We may not get that deserved raise. Or, we were laid off because our companies are downsizing. Or, possibly, we can’t seem to have a meaningful conversation with our teenagers…join the club.:) Or, most seriously, our health takes a turn for the worse and we don’t know if life will ever be the same again.

I’ve been facing the last one recently with the effects of my physical disability going nuts. Falling nearly 10 times in the last month causing paralysis for a short time, stitches, bruises and a lot of scary “What’s Next” moments has got my attention.

While my self-confidence went into the tank for a short time, I found something inside myself that all of us should take to heart the next time life seemingly gets in the way.

I’m sure you’ve been there in some way…

I gathered myself and seriously asked, “What Do I Truly Want”? How was I going to get through such – for me – mountainous obstacles to get back to as close to “Steve normal” as possible? Then, a light bulb switched on: I started not to worry so much about what was but plans on what could be.

After talking with my doctors, family and friends, I developed/aligned a personal life plan going forward, looked at my personal brand very hard and thought about what Ghandi called “the change we want to make.”

Or, as my partners and good friends at Lennick Aberman Group, more succinctly highlight in the 4 Rs of behavior in life and at work:

► Recognize

► Reflect

► Reframe

► Respond

You can use this model in all your work or life challenges to figure out the best next steps for you. Check on our web site – www.lennickaberman.com – to see more about behavioral advice, emotional intelligence, moral intelligence, resiliency and much more.

Recognize: With my health, I had to recognize the resiliency and adaptability strategies I’ve always used to be very successful and happy in my life and work were not cutting it fully anymore. I had to find ways – more commitment to a cane and electric scooter, listening to doctors about possible surgeries, etc., which will enable me to stay in more control of my “What’s Next.”

Too often, each of us don’t give ourselves the opportunity to recognize what is really going on and our options in different situations. We are just too mad at others, ourselves or the world to recognize the next important steps to successfully move us past the bumps in our personal or professional roads.

Reflect: No matter how serious, reflect on the entire “event” and understand you can’t change the past. For me, it’s how I react to those less-than-perfect moments (like falling) that ultimately will determine my fate and self-confidence.

Reflecting doesn’t necessarily mean thinking that you could have done anything differently to change what’s happened – whether it is a mistake at work or a personal life challenge. My disability, for example, has its own mind. It’s what I do from this moment that will keep me walking well into my elderly years.

Reframe: I don’t look at this fairly serious health setback as only a negative. I have reframed the situation, and learned so much about myself and others as I stay patient with the recovery.

If you have one of those days, weeks or years, I suggest not relying on what others can do or “owe you.” Reframe to ask what you can do for yourself – not matter how challenging.

Responding: There are a lot of typical ways society has taught us on how to respond to good times and not. If something goes well, we of course should be humble and gracious. If something goes awry, we should be seen as “rolling up our sleeves” to overcome the obstacles.

While life and work are rarely that clear cut, I have responded to my health issues as Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ grief model stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

My acceptance, as you should think about the next time life/work grief appears on your doorstop, was about responding in the most productive way to move my health in a very resiliently positive direction That is, find the best solutions to “What’s Next” and never give up no matter the situation.

How will you respond to your next “true” crisis or challenge? I hope you will follow my example and the four Rs of our behavior to overcome and maintain your confidence for the long haul. 

As I did with my next steps, you definitely owe it to yourself…and your self-confidence.

Thanks, again, so much for being one of the millions worldwide who have visited my site – www.resiliencyfirst.com since 2009. Please take a look at my new work/life resiliency e-books for additional ways to overcome and be confident. 

Photo By: dewittrobinson 

So Then Where Do You Go From Here?

January 16, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Consultant and Doctor of Life Resiliency at Lennick Aberman Group. (Please check out my latest work/life resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

 You are typically very resilient in your work and personal lives. You successfully adapt to most situations out of your control quite nicely. You persevere and persist better than many of us when inevitable challenges get in your way. You are patient and gentle with yourself even when you make professional or personal mistakes. 

Then, something in your life blindsides you to the point that shakes your inner-foundation. The core values and ideas you’ve lived by all your life get severely shaken without you having much say-so in the matter… 

So then where do you go from here?

You might have had a recent break up of a long-term and very dear relationship. After 20 years at the same company moving up the ranks, you are now seen as too expensive to be kept any longer. Your child just had a horrific accident playing a sporting event and she most likely will never walk again.

Being resilient, of course, does not mean you are not going to face possible life-changing challenges. Or, that your fine-tuned resilience that usually allows you to find your right footing suddenly is no where in sight – at least at first.

Many of you around the world have told me of some tragic events you’ve lived through and recovered the best you could. A reader in Europe taking care of his beloved mother, who was in the last stages of Alzheimer’s.  The gentleman from middle America who literally stayed in bed for six months because of his depression of not finding a job for more than a year. The woman from Middle East whose husband had not been seen for month’s because of his political dissent.

Then, there’s me. Known as the Doctor of Life Resiliency, I should be able to handle most any situation. Right? Folks like you look at me to offer an interesting opinion on successful resiliency strategies to get you through those work and life “moments.”

Yes, usually. But then about a month ago my Cerebral Palsy of a 52-year-old body started throwing (almost literally) “concussion grenades” at my walking and life independence. First, losing my balance and hitting a wall quite hard, then losing my balance crashing into a closet door at home hitting my head, next  losing my balance hitting my head against a wood shelf in my daughter’s room causing momentary paralysis and a lot of fear, and most recently smacking my head against a doctor’s linoleum floor causing many stitches in my forehead.

A month to remember and learn for sure.:) At least two concussions, and a lot to understand and assess for me. I don’t mention these things to gain your empathy. You may be dealing with a life moment even more complex than mine.

It’s how I’m trying to battle through the aftermath is something I hope you can take away when your life momentarily goes awry. 

I, firstly, felt extremely sorry for myself, and had many pity hours and days especially after the first couple of spills. This is when my family, friends and work colleagues reminded me consistently of what I should do next. Focus on a medical solution, don’t give up, and see yourself as one of my colleagues called me an “amazing man.”

I didn’t and haven’t given up or settled. That’s my thought for you when times become ridiculously tough with circumstances you cannot ultimately or even partially control.

While there is nothing wrong in using a wheelchair, this is not the moment in my life to sit down. These bad falls happened, but how can I find a way to reasonably make such falls less likely? Not eliminate falling. I have fallen all my life. Just make it less likely for serious falls and a lot of falls.

Doctors, potential back operations and recovery time are most likely in the near future. I, however, am not quitting the dream of walking comfortably for at least the next 25 years without having to rely on a chair 100% of the time.

The point is, and one I suggest you remember the next time the anvil falls on you, there is always a solution better than what you think. Not one that you have to settle for but one offering you the majority say in how you live personally or professionally.

 It can be done…

My recent physical challenges have forced me to think much more about focusing on me. Not just my career, family, friends and colleagues, but me. I used to just get up, dust myself off and try to forget about the fall. From the last month, I learned that if you don’t deal with yourself in the best way possible way, you can’t be as effective with your loved ones or colleagues at work. Sounds so basic, but many of us discount what certain actions/events ultimately mean to us. We are more worried about the short-term…

The all-mighty has shown me a different path that will make my life/career even better. Are you ready the next time “life” happens to you?

I know you can be…if you only believe you can.

I hope you are having a resilient day, and thanks for your continued readership and comments. I truly appreciate the conversation!

Photo By: Lasse Kristensen

 

Attitude Is Everything As We Dust Off After Unexpected Life/Work Challenges

January 10, 2012

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net, steve.beseke@resiliencyfirst.com, sbeseke@lennickaberman.com (Please take a look at my new resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

Our attitudes about ourselves can mean the difference between being resiliently successful or staying in the “spinning mode” after you take a fall literally and figuratively at work/life.

Sounds like something your mother would say. Well, it probably was – and is. My mother, who is in her 80s, thinks and acts like someone in mid-life. And guess what? She is seen and acts like someone 40 years younger. I, then, know someone who is in her late 40s who thinks and acts like a person much older who thinks that there are not too many good days left.

Now, we all have our inevitable challenges and there are some days this 50 something feels like 80 – and sometimes 35. The difference, which is still being drilled into me by my dear mother and lovely wife, is that I should worry less about things out of my total control. My physical disability is a good example of how my resilient attitude can keep me grounded.

So, why do we doubt ourselves? Why do we let setbacks overly influence our future actions? Why do we let other people sometimes ruin our day? Why is it sometimes hard to dust ourselves off and get back in the game?

Well, for one thing, we are definitely not androids. Our confidence in ourselves sometimes wavers no matter if we are the most successful CEO in the world, or someone looking for their next great work adventure.

But, more succinctly, all of us have hopes, dreams and expectations for ourselves that are met many times in life. But then there are those moments you throw up your hands and wonder why…

More than not, our true resilient spirit depends on how we react to those few significant wavering moments allowing us to feel good about ourselves even during the most challenging moments. That is, our how are we “managing” our attitude…

A few examples I have mentioned in my talks and previous articles:

- You are about to close on this multi-million dollar account cementing your increased status at company XYZ. A friend finished a fantastic job interview that could not have gone any better that day. Another friend just completed a month-long work assignment feeling confident and refreshed. The three of you stop at the local pub and have a cool one to share the moment.

- You meet the next day with the client ready to sign the deal but unexpected complications come up possibly jeopardizing what you’ve worked so hard for.

- Your friend meets with his supervisors but doesn’t get the terrific response he thought about the project he just completed. He comes out of the meeting a bit mystified that a project potentially saving the company a lot of money was treated matter-of-factly

- Your other friend waits for the company to call for the next interview, which it said for sure would happen in a couple of days. She write a very gracious “thank you” e-mail to the interviewers but nothing happens that day…the next day…or three weeks out even after politely e-mailing them a second time for an update. Then, finally, they called back and said another candidate was a “better fit.” Her world comes crashing down…at least for the moment.

- Or, more personally for me recently, I had a couple bad falls where I could have let my attitude about myself and future go in the tank. But I kept believing and having a resilient attitude despite being paralyzed for a few minutes after snapping my head back falling into something. I got all my faculties back after a few minutes where my body went into shock. But it was my attitude that has allowed me to dust off and move forward.

At the office, most of us believe that – if we work hard enough – we are ultimately in control of our own fate. Partially, this is, of course, true. Hard work, determination, grit and adaptability will allow all of us to go far in our careers and lives.

It, however, is our attitude and resilience in those “not so great” moments in work and life that separates those who continue finding paths through the avalanche-ridden mountain passes of life.

So, the next time life/work does not treat you quite right, focus on your attitude to get your ship floating again. You’ll find, as I did, that you will stay more in control and be able to better manage your expectations just a bit better.

Sometimes mothers are right.:)

 Please stay strong my friends. Until next time, take care!

Photo By: syiqi

Cyber Bullying Allows Fewer Sanctuaries For Our Children To Feel Safe

January 3, 2012

By Steve Beseke, Associate and Doctor of Life Resiliency at Lennick Aberman Group. Check out my newest work/life resiliency e-book at www.resiliencyfirst.com)

All of us, including our children, need to be highly resilient in today’s world. Adapting, finding common ground and sometimes persevering through actions of others not within our control are a few ways we do this nearly every day. Particularly, our children are facing the newest form of manipulation and harassment by others in schools and life…that is, cyber bullying.

Our homes have always been resilient sanctuaries where bullied kids could feel safe. Unfortunately, cyber bullying is starting to take that away from our kids, too. (Don’t throw up your hands. Check out 10 parenting tips on cyber-bullying later in this article.)

I knew when I came home from school in the late 60s or early 70s that I was protected from emotional bullying– at least until I walked the school halls the next day having to display my lifelong physical disability (Cerebral Palsy). Protected from the emotional bullying of:

- Being laughed at and called a lot of terrible names in elementary school.

- Being pelted with spitballs after a basketball game in junior high.

- Being told by a classmate not to date a particularly beautiful high school girl and stick with your own kind.

- Being ridiculed by a classmate for taking advanced classes in high school because your kind only does menial work anyway.

 At least I could shut the apartment door. Now, today, our advanced technologies don’t even allow our kids this safe haven.

Typical bullying that most of us experienced in some way growing up is, of course, still there.

Approximately half of US students are impacted by traditional bullying each school day. It happens on buses, in the cafeteria, gym, hallways, playground, and in classrooms. The most frequent form bullying takes is words (the emotions of teasing, taunting, ridiculing, name-calling, and gossip.)

This type of bullying happens in the “physical” world where there are limits.

Cyber-bullying is making school days even more painful for many of our children. This is where bullying has changed so dramatically.

Bullying in cyberspace is not bound by school hours, school days, or facing the intended bully victim. Unfortunately, the perceived anonymous nature of the Internet often insulates the bully from the consequences of their damaging behavior.

I saw a recent TV commercial that really hit home as I have a 16-year-old teenage girl treading through the sometimes challenging emotions of high school. She’s a really good kid like yours. But even good kids are not immune from hurt or hate… 

The commercial shows someone writing an extremely hurtful remark on a social media site describing a particular girl using the “s___” word. The girl comes to high school the next day finding hundreds of posters tacked on the walls with her photo, name and, “You are a “s___.” She is crushed…

An extreme and horrific example, for sure… But not one out of the realm of possibilities given the “anonymous” nature of the web.

As the number of households with Internet access approaches saturation and cell phone ownership expands to the 100 million mark, so do the ways kids bully each other.

Cyber bullying in the form of text messages, emails, photos, website postings can go school-wide in minutes and global in days.

Slanderous information sent out into cyberspace is difficult, if not impossible, to erase. Cyber bullying often takes the form of cyber gossip, where damaging content is based on whim; not facts, and is posted on social networking sites. 

I sometimes cried myself to sleep just wanting to “belong” with the other kids – especially in elementary school. That is, until I learned to stand up to them with most moving to easier victims.

Now, cyber bullying is an even more frightening way to rarely feel safe from the emotional torment. It is so sadfully leading to increased teen suicides and unbearable despair for kids, parents and schools.


Cyber Bullying Getting Bigger: Studies indicate that cyber bullying incidents have at least quadrupled. A 2000 survey reported 6% of young people had experienced some form of cyber bullying.

In 2005, studies of 1500 Internet-using adolescents found that over one-third had been cyber bulled and half of those admitted to cyber bullying others. Another 2005 study revealed that 20% had been cyber-bullying victims.

A 2004 survey of 1556 adolescents also found that 42% had been bullied online. That’s 2004. Inevitably, today, that percentage has most likely gone much higher.

There are so many web outlets and phone outlets for cyber bullying to be generated, including:

- Text or digital imaging messages sent on cell phones

- E-mails

- Instant messaging

- Web pages

- Blogs

- Chat rooms or discussion groups

- Other information communication technologies


Cyber-bullying Perpetrators – It Is A Cycle:

 - A study: Middle school and high school girls were about twice as likely as boys to display cyber-bullying behaviors in the form of email, text, and chat.

- Middle school and high school girls were twice as likely as boys to report receiving email, text messages or chat room messages that teased, taunted, and ridiculed. 

- 62% said that they had been cyber-bullied by another student at school, and 46% had been cyber-bullied by a friend.

- 55% didn’t know who had cyber-bullied them.

 Only 20% of cyber-bullying victims tell their parents about the incident. Victims are most likely to tell a friend (42%).

Our daughter actually mentioned that she and her friends have received photo “requests” on Facebook, etc. Really scary stuff…

Ten Tips: Parents Cyber-Bullying Preemption:

- Consider installing filtering and blocking software, but understand clearly that proactive parents are the only real deterrent and the best resource for bullying preemption. 

- Keep your home computer(s) in easily viewable places, such as a family room or kitchen. 

- Model the behavior you want to see in your child.

- Talk regularly with your child about on-line activities he or she is involved in.

- Set firm guidelines for cell phone use and monitor that behavior.

 - Talk specifically about cyber-bullying. Explain that that it is harmful and unacceptable behavior.

- Outline your expectations for responsible online behavior and clearly explain the consequences for inappropriate behavior

- Encourage your child to tell you immediately if he or she is a victim of cyber-bullying. Tell your child does not respond to the bully.

- Stay calm. Plan in advance how you will calmly receive the news that your child is being bullied and the solution steps you will take. You will want the evidence. Tell your child to save the bullying messages or photo(s).

- Call your child’s school. Ask the principal what measurable, bullying preemption, activity-based programs they have in place today. Offer to serve on the group that expands the school’s behavior policy to include cyber-bullying behavior that disrupts the schools teaching and learning environment. Ask about results. 

Even with cyber bullying, though, parents and schools are only a part of the answer. As I have discussed in previous articles and discussions worldwide, the anti-bullying key I found is to increase our children’s self-confidence and esteem to where they can stand up to the bullies. It might mean a punch in the nose but most of the bullies will find someone more easily victimized and vulnerable.

This starts with parents showing confidence in their children and not trying to solve everything for them. My parents, who were extremely compassionate, caring and always there when needed, also allowed me to fall figuratively and literally. 

I did not rely that they were going to solve all the bullying incidents, which ultimately made me “tougher” to eventually handle most of them myself. Being tough doesn’t necessarily mean your child has to “bulk up.” Tough, for example, is showing – at least outwardly – that whatever is said is not that big of deal.

While cyber bullying is a newer and very hurtful form of hate, it is still about trying to take your child’s power and control away from themselves. Solving such issues is not always easy and straight-forward, but finding ways to overcome may help your children believe in themselves and not always see themselves as victims – now and in the future. 

It has certainly done this for me, and I know it can for your child(ren).

I hope you are having a very resilient day! Thanks, again, for your continued interest and readership, and please check out my resiliency e-books at www.resiliencyfirst.com.

 Photo By: Gusbodr.

Finding Your “Sweet Spot” For A Fantastic New Year!

December 27, 2011

I’m taking off some time over the holidays but just want to thank you for your tremendous support of my resiliency messaging, web site and presentations far and wide. I’ve had more than 3 million viewers on my web site since its 2009 launch and my books are finding an audience with many of you, too.

This year has been a tough one for me physically, but my “sweet spot” has been talking with so many of you about work and life resiliency. I suggest in the New Year to step back and think through my three Ps of resilience in finding your sweet spot(s) in your life next year. Perseverance, Persistence and Patience. 

In doing this, please take a look at my new resiliency e-books on finding happiness, understanding your personal brand, and seeing yourself in the best light. Please click www.resiliencyfirst.com for more info.

Stay Resilient and have a Happy New Year!!!

Smile, Smile And Smile Again This Holiday Season

December 22, 2011

As we head into the heart of the holiday season, I read an article from England about a study that should make us want to keep smiling and be resilient: In part….

Seeing a child’s smile creates as much pleasure as 2,000 chocolate bars—or $25,000 in cash. That was the finding of a British study by Hewlett Packard, using an electromagnetic brain scan machine and heart rate monitor to measure “the mood-boosting value” of various stimuli. 



The study found seeing a loved one’s smile was worth 600 chocolate treats or about $13,000. The lesson: Show some teeth and you’ll be much happier.:)

My newest resiliency e-books will also bring a smile to your face. Please check them out at my web site – www.resiliencyfirst.com.

Photo By:  by carf.

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